Iconic Mastermind music plays on the telly. The darkened studio gradually lightens and the camera pulls back to reveal John Humphreys behind his quiz-master table. Facing him, white-faced and stiff in The Chair of Terror, is me.
JH: Welcome to Celebrity Mastermind. Our first contestant is Marian Keyes and her chosen charity is Pointy Balenciaga Slingbacks For Marian. Marian, your specialist subject is facial sunblocks and your time starts . . . NOW. Which is your favourite sunblock?
Me: Ah, I couldn't pick one, John
JH: Corrrrrr-ect! Why are you so obsessed with sunblock?
Me: It gives me a spurious sense of control, John, a baseless conviction that if I follow the rules, everything will be okay, that my face will never collapse into my lap and I won't get skin cancer. But its codswallop, John because we're all dying, John – you, me . . . everyone.
JH: Corrrrrr-ect! Do you need sunblock in Ireland? Even in winter?
Me: John, this is hard to credit, but latest research shows that if you're exposed to daylight – even through windows – you need sunblock. I read it on Paula's Choice, scared me sideways so it did.
JH: Corrrrrr-ect! I'm guessing you even wear sunblock at night in bed in complete darkness?
Me: Corrrrrr-ect! You can't be too careful.
JH: That was going to be my next question. Corrrrrr-ect! What factor should a person wear?
Me: The higher the better. No lower than 30.
JH: Corrrrrr-ect! What if your moisturiser is 15 SPF and your foundation is 15 SPF, does that count as 30 SPF?
Me: Sadly John, it doesn't work that way. 15 is 15.
JH: Corrrrrr-ect! Name a reasonably priced sunblock that won't make you look like a shiny ghost.
Me: Elave Sensitive Daily Skin Defence. Factor 45. But it's really thick, so you must use it with the moisturiser underneath.
JH: Will the combination make my foundation go all ball-y?
Me: No, John, if you give it a few minutes to sink in, it won't! I know! You want to do the right thing for your clob but the second you put your foundation on over it, the whole sorry mess curdles! Not with this Elave combo, though.
JH: Corrrrrr-ect!
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
Me: Say it John. Say it anyway.
JH: I've started so I'll finish. Nine correct answers and no passes. Enjoy this moment, Keyes, because you'll be a disaster in the general knowledge round.
