You won’t get anything out of me this time O’Leary. Oh no. This time I’m gonna waltz past your surly check-in staff with a smirk on my face. Because today, O’Leary, I am wearing a suitcase coat.

Under your rules, I am allowed 10kg of carry-on luggage plus a jacket or coat. If I want to bring more than that you’re going to hit me with charges aren’t you? But you made a mistake. You left the definition of coat pretty loose didn’t you? Yes, yes you did.

Who’s laughing now, eh? What? Everyone?

I know. I look ridiculous, and with 9 kilos of clothes, toiletries, books, keys, passports and sun cream in the six pockets of my shiny black nylon coat, I am sweating like a drug mule at a Turkish airport, but who cares?

In my suitcase coat I have everything I need for a week in the sun. In pocket one there are three pairs of trousers, two pairs of shoes and swimming trunks. Pocket two is stuffed with flip flops, a hoodie and socks and jocks. In pocket three I have my a toothbrush , deodorant and some hangover remedies.

Pocket four has two books and copies of both Heat and VIP. The two little pockets at the bottom of the jacket have my phone, keys, chewing gun, chocolate – so I don’t have to spend money on sweaty airline sandwiches in their plastic coffins – and my passport.

If my passport is where I think it is, I will be able to pass my coat through security scanners and I’ll be off. This Rufus Roo jacket costs €40 at www.rufusroo.com. After just two trips I’ll be quids in and you, O’Leary, will be the loser.

I’ll just look like one.