So you want to speak your mind ...
If you want to speak your mind, but it’s stressing you out, it’s probably because you are anticipating a negative reaction. Start by preframing your message, says Brian Colbert, master trainer of neuro-linguistic programming at the Irish Institute of NLP. This means establishing common ground with the other person. “Know who you are talking to and set the conversation up in a way that meets their standards, or that there is a level of agreement somewhere with their values,” says Colbert.
How do I do that?
If there’s a knotty family issue at play, for example sharing care of an older relative, take some time to set the scene before speaking your mind, says Colbert. “You could say, ‘what I hope to achieve today is that we can see each other’s perspective and that we can find a way to work through this’. You are going for the big intention first, rather than the conflict,” he says. “You could say, ‘I’m hoping we can hear one another out. That we can appreciate each other’s position and we can come up with some form of workable arrangement.’”
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And then what?
People generally listen with the intent to respond. They like to feel in control and they don’t like to be told or lectured. Release heat from the discussion upfront by letting the other person say what they think first, says Colbert. “That way, you are releasing that valve of them waiting to respond.” Then ask them how they arrived at their perspective. “That means there is a way to it, which suggests there may also be another way as well.”
Listen without contradicting or challenging and then affirm what they have said, checking that you have understood them correctly.
Then have your say
It’s your turn next. “Say, ‘now I want to offer you my opinion. I can see where you are coming from, there is a part of me that sees it makes a lot of sense, and then there is another part of me that thinks, how can we merge that with looking after Mum as well, because that’s important too. Does any of that make sense to you?’”
Because you have validated and affirmed their views, they are less likely to be argumentative, says Colbert.
“For them to be able to hear, they have to be heard first. For them to feel safe, they have to feel like they are in control. When you hand them back their position as a validation, they feel they are in control and at that point they are open to listening.”
“When you don’t present your idea as a resistance to theirs, they are more likely to be on that ground of actually listening and hearing and you are more likely to get movement,” he says.
It’s about the win-win
Speaking your mind to achieve change is not about throwing grenades. Browbeating or coercing someone won’t lead to a lasting solution either. If they are suspicious of your approach, reassure them, says Colbert. “It’s your right to disagree with me, just like it’s my right to disagree with you. We won’t make a decision until both of us are happy, or equally unhappy. But we might have to find a way through it both of us can agree with. Unless you are on-board too, this is not going to work. This is your position, this is my position and this is our working arrangement.”
