Liam Stebbingvisits the Shelbourne Hotel, Dublin.
'SO," SAYS THE receptionist, "you have booked our romance package. It comes with a bottle of champagne, breakfast tomorrow and dinner tonight in our Saddle Room restaurant. You're in a Heritage room - they're our nicest - so you can also use the Heritage Lounge."
We hope she has been speaking quietly enough for our fellow weekenders not to hear. Being unused to five-star hotels - we didn't hang around to admire the gleaming BMWs and Range Rovers pulled up outside after handing the keys of our dented, mud-covered car to a valet - we're still unsure if booking a package is the done thing. Does it make us bargain-hunters or cheapskates? As for romance and bubbly, well, don't make us blush in front of everyone.
We were last here on our wedding day, a decade or so ago, so we couldn't resist a chance to come back. That night we had a suite. We're not expecting this room to match that standard, but it turns out to be almost as big and just as luxurious, with an enormous bed at one end and a flat-screen TV at the other, the plush expanse between them broken by armchairs. Our bathroom has a double-size shower, a two-thirds-size but very deep bath, and a separate water closet.
The Heritage Lounge turns out to be a quiet, comfortably furnished set of rooms with hot and soft drinks, snacks and newspapers that we can help ourselves to. It was once a hair salon, but, with chandeliers and fabulous views of the green, it had too good a setting to leave that way when the Shelbourne reopened as a Marriott hotel, last year.
The day after we booked our package, a couple of weeks ago, the Saddle Room called to ask what time we'd like to eat. So we don't need to book a table. Instead we nip downstairs for a drink before dinner. The No 27 Bar & Lounge is packed, so we find a corner in the Horseshoe Bar and sip cocktails, feeling incongruous.
When we cross the foyer to the restaurant we're shown to a spacious table in an elegant booth, and a waiter brings us the menus. His name is Bartek and he'll be looking after us tonight. Such phrases are standard at the hotel, which has a reassuringly American approach to service, although the staff's lines also remind us of McDonald's.
The menu would normally make us gulp. Starters come in at about €15 and mains at about €35, and the wines range, at first glance, from €50 to €5,000. Thank heaven the food is part of the package.
Our meal bowls us over, from my starter of fried oysters with a chilli, garlic and buttermilk sauce to my wife's elegant variation on cassoulet, made with saddle of rabbit.
Our red wine, a Nipozzano Frescobaldi Chianti Rufina 2004, is terrific, and good value, given the setting, at €39. (The wine list turns out to include several bottles for less than €50.)
Service is friendly and attentive but not intrusive - impeccable, in other words. But that's as you'd expect with a meal that, for three courses with a bottle and a half of wine, plus water and coffees, comes in at €218.50.
We sign the chit and go back to our room, where our bed has been scattered with rose petals, and two rolled-up towels have been arranged as swans. Pure cheese.
We hardly need to eat the next morning, but we dutifully sample the Irish breakfast (good, but, at €29, not the showcase of artisanal food that it could be) and the Well Being breakfast (€26), a much healthier option of muesli, yogurt, smoothie and fruit.
When we check our bill, before leaving, it includes our €377.50 package and €68.50 for our food. I point out the error to a receptionist, who says the package includes only €40 each in the restaurant. It's a bit late to tell us about the restriction, which appears neither in our reservation confirmation nor anywhere we could spot on the Shelbourne's website - and which, in a hotel where €40 barely buys a steak, is pretty significant.
The receptionist confers with her manager, then apologises and prints our amended bill, which has dropped by €138.50; it no longer includes the €68.50 or the €70 we spent on wine and water at dinner - a generous goodwill gesture, we think.
We leave happy. We'd say the Shelbourne has lost some of its individuality since the last time we were here, but we're content to trade it for a customer-is-always-right approach to service.
Four days later a letter arrives to say that, having re-examined our bill, the hotel is reinstating the €70 water and wine charge. An amended credit-card slip has been included, as proof. We're no longer happy.
We call the Shelbourne to object. It agrees to amend the amendment and refund our cancelled refund.
Are we happy? We had a fabulous stay, and we'd hurry back - but just the one bill would do next time.
WhereThe Shelbourne, 27 St Stephen's Green, Dublin 2, 01-6634500, www.marriott.co.uk.
AmbienceTraditional luxury with American service.
Rooms246, plus 19 suites.
Best rateSummer fun B&B package €199 for two, July 12th-September 7th; romance package for two, with breakfast, dinner and champagne, from €347.
AmenitiesFitness rooms; spa due to open this summer.
Child-friendlinessStaff are welcoming, but wailing toddlers may irritate your more affluent fellow guests.
Food and drinkTwo bars, Saddle Room restaurant, Lord Mayor's and Heritage lounges.
AccessNine wheelchair- accessible bedrooms and three wheelchair-accessible public rooms.
ParkingValet parking €25 for 24 hours.