Christmas is coming, time to get the decorations out of the attic, order the turkey, send your cards and get the spare room ready for Granny. Ho-hum.
But what if you had free rein to do whatever you wanted with Christmas? If you could give Christmas a complete makeover, what would you do?
We asked three comedy acts to think outside the Selection Box and come up with their alternative Christmas.
PJ Gallagher
The location
“I don’t like Christmas at all. It’s a penance: It’s like doing Croagh Patrick getting through Christmas. I’d prefer to spend Christmas in Thailand, because the Thai people don’t care about Christmas. It’s Christmas every day in Thailand.”
The entertainment
"I'd love to import Christmas television to Thailand, and sit there on the beach, watching Christmas telly. Or my favourite box-sets. I'm totally not the target audience for the box-sets I love. I'm mad into Downton Abbey and The Good Wife. In fact, I'd love to be spending Christmas at Downton Abbey with a cognac."
The shopping
“I’ve turned into an internet Christmas shopper. Okay, so you don’t get to hear all the Christmas songs you hear in the stores, but it’s hard to tune into Shakin’ Stevens when you’re wrestlng with 20 other men who have left it till the last minute, and they’re kicking each other’s asses over the one handbag left in the shop, and it’s not even in a colour that your wife likes. So I do it online and stick on iTunes.”
The guests
“As many people as possible that wouldn’t get on. The late Col Gadafy. Cher and Lady Gaga would have been great. Because when you’re having Christmas dinner you want it to be as confrontational as possible.
“You want fightin and drinkin’ and dancin’. Shane MacGowan – he’s the embodiment of an Irish Christmas. Twink, Michael Flatley, Kim Jong-il if he’s still alive, anyone who’s going to start a good oul’ row, they’re more than welcome.”
Presents
“I’d love a pride of lions that I could keep in the green in Marino. And maybe a rhino. And a horse with a horn on its head to make it look like a unicorn. Why can’t people buy me something like that? Because people are selfish.”
The music
“I want to hear Christmas carols sung by Bob Dylan, or to get Elvis back from the dead. He could do a great Christmas carol, I’d say. Or Fun Lovin’ Criminals.
The look.
“I’d love to do up the house like my favourite Christmas movie. Get Willy Wonka or Wizard of Oz characters all over the house. Put a Tin Man in the corner and stick your presents under him. Or a Scarecrow.
Gladiator and Braveheart are probably considered Christmas movies now, although having a Mel Gibson-themed house at Christmas would probably be a bit scary.”
PJ Gallagher will be on tour in the New Year, and will present Tongue-tied, a documentary on stage fright, as part of RTÉ’s Reality Bites series.
The Nualas
The look
“If it was no expense spared and the sky was the limit we’d go crazy and get Ryan Tubridy instead of a tree. He’d stand nude in the corner with a big fairy on top of his head.”
The presents
“Instead of Santa we’d have a chatty satyr, who first thing Christmas morning would bring us three Bellinis, nine blinis and four ounces of Beluga caviar (each), before unloading his packages: three XXXL Jo Malone hampers (including exclusive samples of their new Christmas scent, Smoked Bacon and Salted Chervil); three cashmere romper suits for lolling around Christmas day; and a load of diamonds just for the bling. And there’s more: 24 waxing vouchers for Flip and Rip in Coolock, and a Jeroboam of Krug (each). Not to forget, finally, the donation for new tyres for a tractor in Eritrea.”
The fare
“Obviously, sophisticated gargle needs sophisticated soakage, so we’d hire in Gordon Ramsey to do a f***ing suckling pig on a spit stuffed with another f***ing smaller pig, drizzled with f***ing trotter jus and truffle shavings, all on a platter with thrice-fried spicy f***ing wedges. Followed by a Stollen selection and glühwein served on a rose petal-strewn altar by the satyr, and fed to us by Ryan Tubridy. Yum.”
The sounds
“We’d go for live, sophisticated, current and easy on the ear. We are of course talking about Linda Martin, lip-syncing to her own cassettes in the conservatory, under a sprig of rosemary.”
The guests
“Number one: Minnie ‘The Fingers’ McCormick, Nuala’s first pipes teacher – an absolute hoot when she gets rolling with stories of when she braved the Shankill Road with her Fenian tunes. Still laughing, even with the wooden arm.
Number two: Nuala’s husband and his girlfriend, for Christmas is a time of forgiveness. Number three: Nuala’s stitch and bitch class – it’s lovely to fill the house with the festive sound of bitching. And finally, Number four: the man himself, Jesus. Sure no Christmas would be complete without the birthday boy.”
The entertainment
“Later, for telly viewing, we’d go for the box-set of best moments from Deal or No Deal. At the end of the night, after a few rounds of festive ‘Pin The Tail on The Donkey’ (Jesus always wins), we bid our guests farewell, take in one last glance of the stunning views of Kilimanjaro, climb under our mosquito nets, snuggle into our hammocks and wish one and all a happy Christmas - or, as they in Swahili, furaha ya Krismasi!”
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Bernard O’Shea
The location
“The one thing I’d like to do differently, I would love to spend Christmas somewhere like Spain. Glorious weather, nice beach.”
The holiday
“My ideal Christmas would be this: you’d have your wedding anniversary, everybody’s birthday, New Year’s Eve, St Patrick’s Day, everything on the 25th of December. Just get it all done in one day. On Christmas Day you’d have a parade, and you’d have a green Santy.”
The fare
“What you would do is get every alcoholic drink in Ireland and put it into a barrel and mix it all up, and make a new drink for the day that has everything in it. I’d open the pubs on Christmas day too, for the parade.”
The presents
“Genuinely, what I really, really want, I want everybody who knows me to give me Mach 3 blades. I don’t want any computers, I don’t want any socks or jumpers, I want Mach 3 blades. Cos they’re just so ridiculously expensive.”
The entertainment
“Everybody should be forced to watch RTÉ on Christmas Day. It has to be live TV, so everybody in RTÉ has to come in, even Ryan Tubridy. And on Stephen’s Day, the whole country is given a pop quiz on what happened on television on Christmas Day.”
The guests
“I’d invite the original cast of Willy Wonka, and the cast of Indiana Jones, and they have to act out the films in front of me. They could also get together and do Willy Wonka and the Temple of Doom.”
The look
“I think for Mass, everyone should have to wear a Halloween outfit. The scarier the better. So you get both uses out of your Halloween outfit. Although you’re not allowed to go dressed as the Devil, for obvious reasons.”
Breakfast Republic is on RTÉ 2FM weekday mornings from 6am to 8.45am.
