Extract from Quacks, the medical journal for Doctors Who Don't Follow The Herd. Issue 17, published May 26th, 2018.
Old dog learns new trick
In news, which has electrified the medical community and given great hope to old dogs everywhere, an old dog has learnt a new trick! The old dog in question, a human female called Morrien Kaze, has apparently just learnt how to apply modern, new, young-person's eyeliner, despite being in advanced middle years. Ms Kaze claims to be 54, although other sources have put her age at closer to 70.
Ms Kaze relates her astonishing tale. “For the past 10 years, I’ve used the YSL BabyDoll liquid eyeliner. The brush was obedient, pliant and reliable. We were so in harmony that I could have put my eyeliner on in the dark.” Kaze denies being stuck in her look, more that she had found her lane and was happy to stay in it.
Then disaster struck – YSL discovered its eyeliner was the linchpin around which Kaze constructed her face. They responded, as all cosmetic companies do in such circumstances, by promptly withdrawing it from the market. (Rumours – unconfirmed admittedly – are rife that several of its senior sales staff were relieved of their duties for taking so long to notice that this product was vital to Kaze’s kit.)
YSL released a new, improved, liquid eyeliner but as is the norm, the new improved version was not as good. Kaze's particular beef is with the brush, which she describes as being as stiff as a twig. Casting about for an eyeliner to fill the gap, she was introduced to the Isadora Precise Roll-On Eyeliner but was daunted to discover the brush wasn't even a brush but a wheel.
She describes it as a very mini-version of those wheely things that cut pizzas. (Only not sharp.) “You roll it along your lash-line like you’re pushing a teeny-tiny wheelbarrow.”
Naturally she had The Fear. She’d come out of a long relationship with a brush and was in a strange new world of Wheely Eyeliners. But needs must. So she tried and discovered it was far easier than she’d expected. In something she calls “jig-time”, she’d got the hang of it. In addition, she found the eyeliner to be highly pigmented, long-lasting, waterproof and very affordable.
Encouraged by her adaptive skills and evident brain plasticity, Kaze has great plans for her future, including, “Trying again with SnapChat”.
