Her palms are disgusting and clammy as the teacher looks around the room for someone to answer the question. She knows the answer but she can’t answer because what if it’s wrong, what if she’s wrong and everyone laughs at her and she gets ignored for the rest of her life, and what if everyone thinks–
As her mind races, the teacher says something. She glances up from her harsh stare at her clenched fists and sees the class looking at her, and only her. She blinks and looks at the teacher. He smiles at her, encouraging her to speak.
“The, um...” she takes a deep breath and almost shouts the answer. She was correct, according to the teacher, but her mind’s already sprinting ahead, overthinking everything. Why did she stutter? Why did she shout? God, she had one job and she messed it up, and she told Mam she would do it today but of course she couldn’t.
The class continues at a snail’s pace as she works on the sums put up on the board for them to answer for classwork and to “complete for homework. I heard that Jack, watch your language!” Her teacher was very observant, she thought. No other teacher could hear Jack muttering under his breath. But does that mean that he can hear her worrying and silently talking to herself, and oh God, what if he thinks she’s crazy and sends her off somewhere and-
A shadow falls on her copybook as she taps her finger on her thigh, waiting for the class to end. Her teacher picks up her copy and reads the answers before looking at her and smiling. “All correct. Well done,” he whispers so as not to disturb the class.
She manages a small, forced smile as she avoids eye contact. She doesn’t want a conversation, she wants him to move on, but of course that doesn’t happen. He pulls a chair over beside her table and taps her copy.
“This is very high quality. Could I show this to the class? Some of the others don’t know how to rule a page, apparently,” he mutters. She sees her life flash before her eyes at the very idea of this. They’d call her a nerd, or worse, and what if her only friends abandoned her and never talked to her again, or what if they all made her do their homework for them?
The teacher nods at her, almost reading her mind. “No worries, someone is bound to have a copy like yours.” Her teacher puts the chair back and claps his hands to get the class’s attention. “Alright, lads, you can get packed up for break!”
He looks over to her again. “If you need to talk about your... your anxiety, my door’s always open.” She nods at him and he walks away to go reprimand Jack again.
She packs up quietly and quickly. The quicker she leaves the class, the further she’d be away from the silent judgment. The bell rings and she almost sprints out of the class to the library. She can just play chess, or something. She technically doesn’t need someone else to play, she can just practice her moves so she can finally beat her older brother.
“I’ve been wondering where you were,” the librarian says as she sets up the chess set for her. “You know, a couple of kids have been asking for you!”
She almost drops her water bottle at this. “Pardon? Someone was asking for... for me?” she asks. The librarian won’t judge her for her anxiety. She trusts the librarian, she’s nice. She plays chess with her sometimes as well.
“Well, you were gone for almost two weeks. They were worried about you. Actually, I have...” she rooted around in her bag and produced a card. “A get well soon card, from your class.”
She looks at the card. There’s so much glitter and pink, it’s almost eye bleeding to look at. She opens the card and a little mint falls on to the table. It’s signed by almost everyone in the class. She looks at the card, and then at the librarian and then back to the card.
“Before you ask, no teacher told them to do this. They made it in their free class and gave it to me.”
She’s on the verge of tears. Her mind decides to work it’s magic : maybe this is to make fun of her, maybe they don’t actually like it. And for once, she shuts it up. She holds the card and puts it into her bag as she blinks away the tears. Maybe they don’t think she’s a freak, or a weirdo.
“Diana!” She turns around to see a couple of people from her class coming towards her table. One sits in front of her and grins. “Let’s play.” He says. It’s Jack, and his mates, the cool people who hate her and she knows that, so stop kidding yourself, this is some stupid dare. She puts her mind on halt...
And she smiles at him back.
Takes a deep breath.
“Let’s, um... let’s play.”
Small steps, she thinks, as she plays her first move. Maybe, she thinks, just maybe, she could actually stop her mind for good one day. The four words she just uttered could change her life, so long as she keeps going.
