No one likes a "toxic" co-worker. But if you were toxic, would you even know it? Is it possible that you're the one wreaking havoc on your team, making everyone less productive and more miserable?

Research shows that there’s little overlap between how others see us and how we think we present ourselves. Here are three ways people inadvertently come across as toxic, and some strategies to avoid them:

You seem cold: We're wired to figure out whether others pose a threat to us. People figure this out by evaluating how warm you seem. Being friendly, attentive and empathetic is taken as evidence that you have good intentions.

When people believe you have their best interests at heart, you get the benefit of the doubt and your actions are interpreted more generously. But this only happens when you’re warm. The problem is that most people see making a good impression as being about competence. In their eagerness to demonstrate their skills, they neglect warmth.

Solution: To turn up your warmth, pay attention to other people. Make eye contact. Resist the urge to look at your mobile phone during meetings. Seem interested. Smile, especially when others do. Above all, focus on what people are saying.

You seem selfish: "But I work my butt off for my colleagues and do more than other people," you might say. That may be true. But how much time do you spend thinking about your colleagues and their perspectives?

If you don’t know much about what drives your co-workers, you might be in trouble. People perceived as toxic often come across as if they think, “it’s my world, and you’re just living in it”. This can happen even if you’re just really focused on your work. While it may feel like you’re a martyr, others might see it as you hoarding work, micromanaging or having trouble collaborating. Because such people don’t spend much time thinking about others, they inadvertently do toxic things such as assigning blame to others, leaving people out of the loop or taking credit for others’ work.

Solution: Put yourself in your colleagues’ shoes and try to understand their perspective. Ask questions to learn more about co-workers you don’t know well. Most importantly, show empathy.

People think of you as the "rule nazi": It's not surprising that in a recent study, toxic co-workers were reliably more overconfident and self-centered than their nontoxic colleagues. What may surprise you, though, is the third common trait they often share: believing that rules must always be followed.

Of course, when rules are ethical or legal, they shouldn’t be broken. But ones that govern how work “should” get done can sometimes be bent for the sake of a larger goal. Rule Nazis don’t see it that way. They make sure everyone follows the rules, even when they don’t make sense or are unproductive.

This strict adherence to rules comes primarily from an excessive prevention focus. Prevention-focused people are generally risk-averse and worry about what might go wrong if they aren’t careful, but their work is also more thorough, accurate and well-planned.

Solution: Make a point of being more flexible, and point out when you are to get credit for it. When you must stick to the rules, don’t assume that other people understand why; explain your thinking, and how following them is good for your team. – Copyright Harvard Business Review 2016

Heidi Grant Halvorson is associate director for the motivation science centre at the Columbia University Business School