‘What about the wheelchair that I arrived home with after Jamie Heaslip’s stag?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha injures her foot while Honor makes a shocking discoverySat Dec 18 2021 - 06:00
Her old man is like, ‘You should have had Ross neutered a long time ago’Whenever the Rossmeister is in trouble, Sorcha’s old pair are the first respondersSat Dec 11 2021 - 06:00
‘If you have to hide a cash incentive inside a food, it’s almost certainly not worth eating’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha wants her mother’s highly guarded ‘family recipe’ for Christmas puddingSat Dec 04 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly in Lapland: Johnny goes, ‘My daddy says we’re going to eat a reindeer’A fair few of the kids burst into tears. And the face on Mrs Claus...Sat Nov 27 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Of course Santa exists – who do you think drinks all the Heineken?Sorcha ends up saying the most unbelievable thing when the boys ask if Santa is realSat Nov 20 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I lead the boys at gunpoint up the Shelbourne Road’It’s a big day. I’m bringing the boys to see Johnny Sexton win his 100th capSat Nov 13 2021 - 08:42
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I can lie – very easily – but not when it comes to rugby’An encounter at rugby training sees Ross making an unexpected connectionSat Nov 06 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor’s like, ‘Dad, can I leave school?’ I’m there ‘I don’t see why not’‘They talk about the Collison brothers, but those chaps have got nothing on you, Honor’Sat Oct 30 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘You are not giving me a combover – I’m a quiff goy’Blinky the borbor in Monkstown suggests a Jude Law or a Matt DamonSat Oct 23 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I can’t go bald. I’m 41 – but I’m, like, a young 41?’Age and male pattern baldness has caught up with RossSat Oct 16 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The hateful things the Blackrock crowd used to shout at meSince the triplets storted school at Willow Pork, it’s been rugby, rugby, rugbySat Oct 09 2021 - 06:00
‘You want to feel like the good guys won and the bad guys lost? Move to focking Sweden’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m there, “That’s exactly what I was thinking – word for word”Sat Oct 02 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m having Vietnam-style flashbacks hereSometimes it’s easier to tell a girl the truth. I’m like, ‘Honor burned down the caravan, Sorcha’Sat Sept 25 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha did Fake Sincerity as an extracurricular subject in Mount AnvilleSorcha samples kalettes and deactivated pecans as Ross gets accused of arsonSat Sept 18 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: First day in Willow Pork for the triplets – the absolute shame of it“I don’t want my children to go here. I’ve said things about this school in the past”Sat Sept 11 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m no Aoibhinn Ní Shúilleabháin but I feel like I have a superpowerThe Leaving Cert results are up online, and my hands are literally shakingSat Sept 04 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I genuinely don’t think I’m ready to be a Blackrock dad’Willow Pork is the only school to take the triplets, they’ve been on Joe Duffy too many timesSat Aug 28 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor says she’s not getting the Covid vaccineSorcha’s family conference to discuss registration for teenagers doesn’t quite go to planSat Aug 21 2021 - 06:00
‘You won’t need to microchip your staff if you sign up to Remote Workforce Monitoring’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor pitches her pandemic business idea at the annual borbecueSat Aug 14 2021 - 06:00
'The neighbour is power-washing the patio again, he's supposed to be, like, working from home?'Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: His wife moves the cursor on his work laptop so it doesn’t go to sleepSat Aug 07 2021 - 06:00
‘I want you to, like, Insta-story my Covid test journey’, says SorchaRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha and her ‘symptoms’ want me to tag along for her PCR testSat Jul 31 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Are you suggesting I pretend to have Covid?’ Sorcha goesI end up lying on her behalf to get her out of an unwanted visit to – oh my God – LuskSat Jul 24 2021 - 06:00
‘Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara taught me how to drink a Mortini in three mouthfuls’Ross’ father is determined to make sure a birthday party takes place indoors in the Horseshoe BarSat Jul 17 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Ronan showed me how to light a fire and make it look like an accident’Ross can’t face a week in a mobile home with Garret and Claire, but Honor has a planSat Jul 10 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’d rather rip out my molars with a pliers than holiday in Ireland again’‘So what’s there to see in Ballycanew?’ ‘A Daybreak and a Londis’Sat Jul 03 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’ve massively disimproved with age ... The big, fat rugby head on you’I'm looking at the other 41-year-old men and I’m thinking how well I look by comparisonSat Jun 26 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ll throw on my nudey lady borbecue apron’Sorcha panics during a gathering of friends but Ross is on hand to helpSat Jun 19 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m like Cersei Lannister – refusing to leave the throneFirst day of the Leaving Cert. My hands shake like the old dear’s when I hide the corkscrewsSat Jun 12 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why does everything have to be a major production with this family?’‘I’d rather spend the next 12 months in prison than one night in a limited services hotel’Sat May 29 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Rugby banter is taking a dump in someone’s shoes’Ross is pressured into chopping off Christian’s top knot in the name of ‘rugby banter’Sat May 22 2021 - 06:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘Rugby is not pass the porcel, Morcus’Rugby training is back and Brian, Johnny and Leo are in a loser podSat May 15 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Then she says it – the words all south Dublin parents dreadHonor gets frank with Ross after he fails to see the painful truth about his boys’ rugby abilitiesSat May 08 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘The gords are hunting me down like an animal! You have to let me in!’Three of them chorge into the living room. The old dear tries to escape through a hedgeSat May 01 2021 - 06:00
‘We’re looking for Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly. She absconded from quarantine this morning’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘She’s been living on chicken Kievs and screw-top Sauvignon blanc!’Sat Apr 24 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I just assumed quarantine wouldn’t affect people like us‘I’m being held against my will in this ghastly . . . ghastly place!’Sat Apr 17 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘The old man has promised to stop acting the dick’Ross collects his unrepentant anti-lockdown father from Mountjoy prisonSat Apr 10 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: My opening line in the Irish oral was ‘Bonjour’. I never recoveredHonor devises a rugbaí-based strategy as Ross attempts the exam for the second timeSat Apr 03 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘The judge tells us – in, like, legal language – to shut the fock up’The old man tells the court he broke lockdown and refuses ‘to live under your mortial law!’Sat Mar 27 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’re not a priority for the vaccine.’ ‘Even though we’re rich?’Honor learns money can't buy everything as Ross and Sorcha purge their friend listsSat Mar 20 2021 - 06:00
‘I urge you all – standing here, in the People’s Pork – to remove your masks!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Mask-off in Dún Laoghaire as the old man leads an anti-lockdown marchSat Mar 13 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’d be a lot better off if we’d remained port of Britain’‘Credit where it’s due, they just know how to organise things better than we do’Sat Mar 06 2021 - 06:00
‘We can’t just dump our rubbish in the gorden. It’s the Vico Road – there’ll be meetings’Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘Every single room in this house is haunted by the guilt of my failure’Sat Feb 27 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Wuthering Heights is basically the story of my lifeRoss likens his life to Heathcliff’s – especially when it comes to womenSat Feb 20 2021 - 14:17
‘After a year locked up together, we are sick and tired of the sight of each other’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You asked me the other night was I breathing louder than usual?’Sat Feb 13 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Have you seen the chemtrails over Foxrock this morning?’Sorcha loses it with Ross’s dad on Zoom when he discusses conspiracy theoriesSat Feb 06 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I know every mork on the floor, the walls and the ceiling of this bor’Every – I don’t know – significant thing that ever happened in my life has some association with Kielys of DonnybrookSat Jan 30 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘75? What on earth makes you think I’m 75?’‘They’re using the vaccine to force people to say they’re over 70 when they’d pass for 50’Sat Jan 23 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Honor has been, like, homeschooling me’I’ve never passed an exam in my entire life. I’m still driving on a provisionalSat Jan 16 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘The pressure of being the cool parent ends up being too much’“Ross, I’m in a terrible funk,” the old dear goes. “I can’t pull myself out.” I feel instantly badSat Jan 09 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Do Dry January? That’s crazy talk’No booze, swearing or sweets – Sorcha has new year’s resolutions for all the familySat Jan 02 2021 - 06:00
