Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I genuinely don’t think I’m ready to be a Blackrock dad’Willow Pork is the only school to take the triplets, they’ve been on Joe Duffy too many timesSat Aug 28 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor says she’s not getting the Covid vaccineSorcha’s family conference to discuss registration for teenagers doesn’t quite go to planSat Aug 21 2021 - 06:00
‘You won’t need to microchip your staff if you sign up to Remote Workforce Monitoring’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor pitches her pandemic business idea at the annual borbecueSat Aug 14 2021 - 06:00
'The neighbour is power-washing the patio again, he's supposed to be, like, working from home?'Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: His wife moves the cursor on his work laptop so it doesn’t go to sleepSat Aug 07 2021 - 06:00
‘I want you to, like, Insta-story my Covid test journey’, says SorchaRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha and her ‘symptoms’ want me to tag along for her PCR testSat Jul 31 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Are you suggesting I pretend to have Covid?’ Sorcha goesI end up lying on her behalf to get her out of an unwanted visit to – oh my God – LuskSat Jul 24 2021 - 06:00
‘Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara taught me how to drink a Mortini in three mouthfuls’Ross’ father is determined to make sure a birthday party takes place indoors in the Horseshoe BarSat Jul 17 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Ronan showed me how to light a fire and make it look like an accident’Ross can’t face a week in a mobile home with Garret and Claire, but Honor has a planSat Jul 10 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’d rather rip out my molars with a pliers than holiday in Ireland again’‘So what’s there to see in Ballycanew?’ ‘A Daybreak and a Londis’Sat Jul 03 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’ve massively disimproved with age ... The big, fat rugby head on you’I'm looking at the other 41-year-old men and I’m thinking how well I look by comparisonSat Jun 26 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ll throw on my nudey lady borbecue apron’Sorcha panics during a gathering of friends but Ross is on hand to helpSat Jun 19 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m like Cersei Lannister – refusing to leave the throneFirst day of the Leaving Cert. My hands shake like the old dear’s when I hide the corkscrewsSat Jun 12 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why does everything have to be a major production with this family?’‘I’d rather spend the next 12 months in prison than one night in a limited services hotel’Sat May 29 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Rugby banter is taking a dump in someone’s shoes’Ross is pressured into chopping off Christian’s top knot in the name of ‘rugby banter’Sat May 22 2021 - 06:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘Rugby is not pass the porcel, Morcus’Rugby training is back and Brian, Johnny and Leo are in a loser podSat May 15 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Then she says it – the words all south Dublin parents dreadHonor gets frank with Ross after he fails to see the painful truth about his boys’ rugby abilitiesSat May 08 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘The gords are hunting me down like an animal! You have to let me in!’Three of them chorge into the living room. The old dear tries to escape through a hedgeSat May 01 2021 - 06:00
‘We’re looking for Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly. She absconded from quarantine this morning’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘She’s been living on chicken Kievs and screw-top Sauvignon blanc!’Sat Apr 24 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I just assumed quarantine wouldn’t affect people like us‘I’m being held against my will in this ghastly . . . ghastly place!’Sat Apr 17 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘The old man has promised to stop acting the dick’Ross collects his unrepentant anti-lockdown father from Mountjoy prisonSat Apr 10 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: My opening line in the Irish oral was ‘Bonjour’. I never recoveredHonor devises a rugbaí-based strategy as Ross attempts the exam for the second timeSat Apr 03 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘The judge tells us – in, like, legal language – to shut the fock up’The old man tells the court he broke lockdown and refuses ‘to live under your mortial law!’Sat Mar 27 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’re not a priority for the vaccine.’ ‘Even though we’re rich?’Honor learns money can't buy everything as Ross and Sorcha purge their friend listsSat Mar 20 2021 - 06:00
‘I urge you all – standing here, in the People’s Pork – to remove your masks!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Mask-off in Dún Laoghaire as the old man leads an anti-lockdown marchSat Mar 13 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’d be a lot better off if we’d remained port of Britain’‘Credit where it’s due, they just know how to organise things better than we do’Sat Mar 06 2021 - 06:00
‘We can’t just dump our rubbish in the gorden. It’s the Vico Road – there’ll be meetings’Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘Every single room in this house is haunted by the guilt of my failure’Sat Feb 27 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Wuthering Heights is basically the story of my lifeRoss likens his life to Heathcliff’s – especially when it comes to womenSat Feb 20 2021 - 14:17
‘After a year locked up together, we are sick and tired of the sight of each other’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You asked me the other night was I breathing louder than usual?’Sat Feb 13 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Have you seen the chemtrails over Foxrock this morning?’Sorcha loses it with Ross’s dad on Zoom when he discusses conspiracy theoriesSat Feb 06 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I know every mork on the floor, the walls and the ceiling of this bor’Every – I don’t know – significant thing that ever happened in my life has some association with Kielys of DonnybrookSat Jan 30 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘75? What on earth makes you think I’m 75?’‘They’re using the vaccine to force people to say they’re over 70 when they’d pass for 50’Sat Jan 23 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Honor has been, like, homeschooling me’I’ve never passed an exam in my entire life. I’m still driving on a provisionalSat Jan 16 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘The pressure of being the cool parent ends up being too much’“Ross, I’m in a terrible funk,” the old dear goes. “I can’t pull myself out.” I feel instantly badSat Jan 09 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Do Dry January? That’s crazy talk’No booze, swearing or sweets – Sorcha has new year’s resolutions for all the familySat Jan 02 2021 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of’Sorcha is determined to stage a Christmas Day gathering that complies with safety guidelinesSat Dec 19 2020 - 06:00
‘How much moo are we talking – for, like, midnight Mass in, say, Foxrock?’Ronan is making a mint from black market Mass tickets until three wise men arriveSat Dec 12 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘One of your Three Wise Men stuck his middle finger up at me’All of a sudden I’ve got a woman asking me if I find food intolerances funnySat Dec 05 2020 - 06:00
The kitchen smells of rum. Either my old dear is over or Sorcha’s baking a Christmas cakeRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Storting Christmas early could be good for our mental health’Sat Nov 28 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve storted a rumour Matt Damon wants to build a house on Coliemore road’‘I just want him to see what people from Dalkey are really like’Sat Nov 21 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Honor was walking around with the blond wig and Maga sweatshirt’‘It’s like The West Wing when Jed Bortlet had to step down and John Goodman became president’Sat Nov 14 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I pop the boot and go, ‘Get in’I’m not 100% keen on Honor driving, mainly cos she’s 14, and has no licence or insuranceSat Nov 07 2020 - 08:59
I hear Sorcha go, ‘Ross, I’m just popping out!’ I’m like, ‘Oh, fock!’Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘Oh my God,’ she goes, ‘your wife is being so passive-aggressive’Sat Oct 31 2020 - 06:00
I can hear the old dear’s hysterical voice going, ‘Better men than you have eaten my one-pot stews!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘As Sorcha said, I shouldn’t have been throwing the old Gilbert around at her Ulysses fancy dress porty’Sat Oct 24 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Johnny actual Sexton is at the front door’I throw back the duvet, hop out of bed and step into my chinos, all in one fluid movementSat Oct 17 2020 - 06:00
‘Ross,’ the old man goes, ‘I’m afraid I’ve made a dreadful mistake!’Sounds like Sorcha’s old dear is driving the old man cuckoo in their Brittas Bay love nestSat Oct 10 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Oh, right – you’re one of these maskier-than-thou people’‘Talking to strangers on the doorstep is dangerous. Who knows what I might catch?’Sat Oct 03 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve never been much of a conversationalist, but I’m on fire with this woman’It storted with the shooting-of-the-s**t that goes with a doorstep package handoverSat Sept 26 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘They want us to vacate this place so they can use it as a love shack?’Three studenty types refuse to vacate a holiday home for Sorcha's old dear and my old manSat Sept 19 2020 - 06:00
‘I wouldn’t expect an animal to live in that place. And, besides, it’s rented out at the moment’Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The old pair are a bad influence on Honor so the plan was to move them outSat Sept 12 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve seen her drink turpentine and still be sober enough for nine holes in FoxrockIt looks like she’s a cranky drunk – in that way, she does take after her grandmotherSat Sept 05 2020 - 06:00
