‘Fionnuala had a far more significant impact on Foxrock than Samuel Beckett’
When one of the old dear’s friends rings me up and asks if I’m free for lunch, I end up sitting there for an hour, debating whether to go
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought
He's talking about Bernie from Bray, of all places. He’s been shacked up with the woman since May – in actual Bray
He holds up a balaclava, or as it’s known on my side of town, a ski mask
I told his mother not to let him read those Paul Williams books. But no, she knew better
‘Charles has changed since moving to Bray. He turned up in Portmornock Golf Club yesterday – wearing a Dryrobe’
Hennessy tells me the old man is in danger of getting thrown out of the club, which would be his ultimate humiliation
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’
I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws watching, quite literally, a soccer match
‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man
I have a bet on with him that he won’t last the summer in Bray, and I swing by to check on my investment
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’
We’re at Lauren’s barbecue when she ambushes me for the money I said I’d put aside for Ross jnr when he turned 18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind
Sorcha had this distant look and was talking at twice her normal speed, like the time she storted on suppositories to try to fit into her old debs dress
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’
We’re in Bilbao airport and I'm suddenly thinking, how am I going to face Sorcha when I get home? Maybe I'll check into Fitzpatrick's for a few days
‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’
It’s our 21st wedding anniversary and Sorcha has booked Chapter One for a dinner with her parents. But I’ve got a flight to catch
‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las Braygas!’
Chorles has shacked up with Bernie and it’s actually making me sick. He’s all gooey-eyed and she’s hanging off him like a fisherman’s jumper
I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?
I’m there, ‘I hope this doesn’t come across as creepy –' She goes, ‘Uh-oh!’
‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
‘That’s not what you said on September 4th, 2001,’ I remind him
‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’
We’re going on a double date with Honor and her new girlfriend, Nicola – and Sorcha is up to 90