I’m like, ‘Can this wait, Honor? I’m thinking about rugby’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor’s been dumped and wants to know why. I’m suddenly there, ‘A.I., Honor. A.I. will have the answer.’
‘Oh my God,’ Sorcha goes. ‘Did you lock Brian in the attic?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m doing it for his rugby career. He can thank me when he wins his first cap for Ireland
‘Drop the Carmela Soprano act, Rosser,’ Ronan goes when I ask him if Sorcha’s ring was stolen
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: She’s lost the engagement ring she thinks cost me 50 grand and wants the receipt to claim insurance
Sorcha’s old dear singing sounds like a fox with its head trapped in a gate
Brian is giving up rugby to play the port of Sam Cormichael in Mamma Mia! and I’m actually seething
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’
The bouncers are on us like seagulls on a waffle cone
‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’
Hennessy suddenly smiles at the old man. ‘Damn it,’ the old man goes, ‘you’ve got an idea, haven’t you?’
Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’
I’m there, ‘The security tag is still on it’
‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Foxrock’s new parish priest, Fr JP, is insisting on hearing my Confession
At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children
He was singing the offensive song in the cor this morning. It’s a genuine earworm, in fairness
‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’
We’re trying to lure Bernie from Bray into sending some incriminating texts to me when Hennessy decides to up the ante
‘Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup’
Hennessy goes, 'Yes, now. What are you waiting for, the honeymoon? Come on, get typing, you horny reprobate'
Brian, Johnny and Leo are pulling faces like they’re constipated. ‘They’re looksmaxxing’
Sorcha’s old man tells me I’m the worst father in the world, which is rich coming from him
‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’
‘The woman’s an absolute tonic! An absolute, bloody-well tonic!’ the old man shouted, but he was the only one
‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’
It’s the opening night of Ronan’s new Irish Gangland Museum on Capel Street and the place is packed to the literally rafters
‘Fionnuala had a far more significant impact on Foxrock than Samuel Beckett’
When one of the old dear’s friends rings me up and asks if I’m free for lunch, I end up sitting there for an hour, debating whether to go