‘We cannot stand idly by and let these so-called birds lay claim to our streets!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has called a meeting at the Shelbourne Hotel to take action against the latest scourge on Dublin – the seagullsSat Jul 22 2023 - 05:00
‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The residents of Morlborough Road are out with torches searching for the culpritSat Jul 15 2023 - 05:00Listen to ‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’Listen | 06:48
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in lifeThe old man is too mortified to tell me what really happened to him outside the Shelbourne hotelSat Jul 08 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in lifeListen | 06:27
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’Sorcha has decided she’d rather take the Dort and let her SUV depreciate in the garden than be seen driving it like a hypocriteSat Jul 01 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’Listen | 06:11
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s corThe note on the windscreen reads: ‘Attention! Your gas guzzler kills! You’ll be angry, but don’t take it personally! It’s not you – it’s your cor!’Sat Jun 24 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s corListen | 06:48
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’It’s a big book – who’s to say what Kitty Ricketts did or didn’t do within its 1,000-or-so pages?Sat Jun 17 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’Listen | 06:55
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowingI have to confess to getting a bit carried away, and I stort shouting things like, ‘Eat it up, you pack of losers!’ at the other moms and dadsSat Jun 10 2023 - 10:49
‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor calls me the cool parent and asks if she can get Botox. At the very least, I’ll turn a blind eyeSat Jun 03 2023 - 05:00Listen to ‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’Listen | 06:06
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dearThere’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in BogotáSat May 27 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dearListen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matchesThere’s the big foghorn voice for storters. The way he shouts random stuff like, ‘Stealth, Leinster! Stealth!’ The bullshit opinions on the game. The focking Latin. Oh my God, the focking LatinSat May 20 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matchesListen | 06:18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10Christian’s ex-wife Lauren is asking about the college fund I supposedly set up for my godson, Ross JuniorSat May 13 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10Listen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girlHonor goes, ‘It’s because I’m not good-looking.’ I’m there, ‘Looks aren’t important, Honor,’ and I’ve no idea where I’m pulling these lines fromSat May 06 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girlListen | 05:53
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?This Joshua goy is a ring for Harry Styles – we’re talking way out of Honor’s leagueSat Apr 29 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?Listen | 05:32
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’I’m having this brainwave when the old man shows up, asking for help to dissuade the old dear from applying to present The Late Late ShowSat Apr 22 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’Listen | 06:07
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ contentI know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been betterSat Apr 15 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ contentListen | 06:02
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughtersThe idea of the old dear hosting The Late Late Toy Show is too funny to turn her awaySat Apr 08 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughtersListen | 06:18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding’If everybody is doing something how bad can it be, Ross thinks, as he submits to peer pressure from his daughter and discovers vapingSat Apr 01 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding’Listen | 06:12
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick meRoss gets a call from the old dear. She’s definitely got an – if this is an actual word – alterior motiveSat Mar 25 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick meListen | 06:01
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What a day . . . I’ll just send a quick congrats text to Johnny SextonWinning the Grand Slam is great, but Ross is about to be brought back to earth with a bumpMon Mar 20 2023 - 13:25
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beatenThe big Castlerock College versus Newpork Comprehensive showdown has arrivedSat Mar 18 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beatenListen | 06:52
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself’When his ‘back me or sack me’ move backfires, Ross is left in a mild depression having lost his job as the coach of Castlerock College girls rugby teamSat Mar 11 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself’Listen | 05:48
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talentThe Rossmeister General finds out about the ‘deleterious effect’ rugby is having on academic and behavioural standards among girls at schoolSat Mar 04 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talentListen | 06:24
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve ended up on a poster for adult incontinence treatment on a gable wall in, like, RanelaghOnly the crookedest lawyer in Ireland can get me out of this contract I accidentally signed with a modelling agencySat Feb 25 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve ended up on a poster for adult incontinence treatment on a gable wall in, like, RanelaghListen | 06:10
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myselfJames Lowe’s flying corner try against France last Saturday was, like, ortSat Feb 18 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myselfListen | 05:56
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!’There’s actually a bit of a wobble in my voice? I’m quite emotional this weekSat Feb 11 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!’Listen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stopRoss is getting pictures taken for his first modelling assignment, but Honor thinks he ‘looks like a superhero who’s let himself go’Sun Feb 05 2023 - 15:36Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stopListen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the yearRoss has a treat for the girls’ team: his DVD of the 2009 Six NationsSat Jan 28 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the yearListen | 06:43
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me. I’m in incredible shape’In Cinnamon in Monkstown, Ross is approached with an intriguing job offerSat Jan 21 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me. I’m in incredible shape’Listen | 06:07
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thingNewpork have offered the Castlerock College girls’ team a rematch, and Ross is looking for a captainSat Jan 14 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thingListen | 06:19
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserveDisposing of the tree is traditionally one of my jobs, because if it was left to Sorcha – we wouldn’t have one in the first placeSat Jan 07 2023 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserveListen | 05:58
‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old dear has everyone in tears on Christmas night - and it’s not for the usual reasonsSat Dec 24 2022 - 05:00Listen to ‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’Listen | 06:19
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at onceMy kids are already queuing up with their old dear to see him. Who knows what the little psychopaths might do or saySat Dec 17 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at onceListen | 06:18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plateLeo has a healthy appetite – like a lot of seven-year-old boys – but Reuben O Raghallaigh could eat a rake of mince pies and then probably eat himSat Dec 10 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plateListen | 06:29
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’Ross and Honor plot to distract Sorcha while Buckets of Blood breaks into their houseSat Dec 03 2022 - 04:45Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’Listen | 05:57
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regordRoss O'Carroll-KellySat Nov 26 2022 - 13:33Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regordListen | 06:02
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into MorbellaA visit to their rental in Terenure reveals how far the Stop the Build campaign is willing to goSat Nov 19 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into MorbellaListen | 06:33
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’I can pretty much feel the anger coming off the parents when I step into the room with a big superhero smile on my faceSat Nov 12 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’Listen | 06:04
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Newpork is famous for kids with pierced lips...They don’t even care about rugby’The Castlerock girls’ team has just lost their second match on the trotSat Nov 05 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Newpork is famous for kids with pierced lips...They don’t even care about rugby’Listen | 05:46
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literallyThere’s something terrifying lurking in the kitchen in Terenure, so Sorcha calls in a mediumSat Oct 29 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literallyListen | 06:08
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve been shocked by the change that has come over my daughter since we moved to TerenureRoss and Honor have been driven to desperate lengths to convince Sorcha to move back to KillineySat Oct 22 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve been shocked by the change that has come over my daughter since we moved to TerenureListen | 05:57
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winnersThe Castlerock College girls’ rugby team are about to play their first ever match against – believe it or not – Sion HillSat Oct 15 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winnersListen | 05:51
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any hormThe trauma of the move to Terenure has hit home - Honor and Ross need a plan to get out of Dublin 6wSat Oct 08 2022 - 05:47Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any hormListen | 05:51
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Stort packing. We have permission to knock the house and build aportments’Ross and Honor return from a trip to Dundrum Town Centre to find Sorcha frantically packingSat Oct 01 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Stort packing. We have permission to knock the house and build aportments’Listen | 05:38
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan is a Republican? He’s got the names of the 1915 crew tattooed on his ormSorcha’s friends come round to watch the queen’s funeral, but Honor has invited an unexpected guestSat Sept 24 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan is a Republican? He’s got the names of the 1915 crew tattooed on his ormListen | 05:41
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The girls are staring at me in just, like, awe – they’re ready to learn from the masterIt’s Ross’s first day as Director of Rugby at Castlerock College and his authority is being tested by a group of – yeah, no – 12- and 13-year-old girlsSat Sept 17 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The girls are staring at me in just, like, awe – they’re ready to learn from the masterListen | 06:02
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’Ross’s best friend Christian is missingSat Sept 10 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’Listen | 05:58
‘How much would it mean to the girls storting school here to have the legendary Ross O’Carroll-Kelly teaching them rugby?’Ross and his old man are blocking the gates of Castlerock College in protest at the school’s decision to go co-ed, but the principal has a propositionSat Sept 03 2022 - 05:00Listen to ‘How much would it mean to the girls storting school here to have the legendary Ross O’Carroll-Kelly teaching them rugby?’Listen | 06:59
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the weekend at the end of August when the people of Killiney and Dalkey get together and pretend they don’t eat lobster three times a week, all year roundSat Aug 27 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’Listen | 06:55
‘I don’t like the dude’: Ross O’Carroll-Kelly interviews Paul HowardRoss feels misrepresented by his biographer, so The Irish Times offered him the opportunity to do the interviewing for a changeSat Aug 27 2022 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m by the pool, doing sit-ups with my top off, and Honor goes, ‘Oh, for fock’s sake! Not these two clowns!’Sorcha’s old pair arrive in Quinta do Lago with a requestSat Aug 20 2022 - 05:00Listen to Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m by the pool, doing sit-ups with my top off, and Honor goes, ‘Oh, for fock’s sake! Not these two clowns!’Listen | 07:13
