Ciara Casaubon is a girl from Fionn’s distant past. She was the first girl he was ever with – as in, in like, with with?– when he was in Trinity, then she reappeared in his life about a year ago when she interviewed for a job as a physics teacher in Castlerock College.
Fionn – just to catch you up on the story – is now the principal of our old, I want to say, alma mater? He landed the job after persuading the board of management that what they needed was a young leader with the vision and courage to continue to do things the way they've been done for the past 138 years.
Fionn's plan all along was to get his size nines under the desk, then bring about – his words – a quiet revolution, knowing that the school's custodians like change the same way they like Gaelic football, which is to say not at all.
Anyway, during his year-and-a-little-bit in chorge of the school, a definite change has come over Fionn. Yeah, no, he's storted wearing aftershave and trendy Jorvis Cocker glasses, and then, just before Christmas, he sort of, like, quietly dropped into the conversation that he and Ciara Casaubon were a couple again after nearly 15 years aport.
‘You lifted the Leinster Schools Senior Cup – does that mean nothing to you now’
‘Goys from Belvo, Gonzaga and Blackrock are mixing like there’s no difference between them’
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Sorcha’s making coddle with a southside twist – venison sausages
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: 'Just because we have money, we can't keep Killiney all to ourselves'
And before you say anything about him being her boss, all of the rules were followed – I mean, he wrote the rules – and all of the correct paperwork was filled in and submitted as their relationship progressed from not-really-a-thing, to sort-of-a-thing, to now-a-serious-thing, so serious that they've invited me and Sorcha to her rented aportment in Cherrywood for dinner.
I don’t want to go, of course, and I make my feelings on the matter clear. I’m like, “Dinner porties? Jesus, we did all of that in our 30s.”
But Sorcha’s there, “Ross, it’s exciting for Fionn. We’ve always said how nice it would be if he met someone.”
"It sounds like the kind of thing you'd say and I'd nod in agreement because I'm not really listening to you."
I hand Fionn the wine and he has the cheek to give the label the once-over, although it's quite possible he recognises it as the same bottle he gave us at Christmas
"And Ciara is such a nice girl. I think it's lovely that they've found each other again after all these years."
“I wonder does she still do that really annoying thing.”
“What really annoying thing?”
“You know what I’m talking about, Sorcha. When you ask her a question, instead of saying yes, she goes, ‘Ten points to Gryffindor!’”
“I don’t remember her doing that.”
“Then you’ve blanked it out. It was so irritating. It was one of the reasons I was delighted when she gave him his cords.”
“She didn’t give him his cords, Ross. She went to America to do her master’s and they decided, mutually, to end it.”
Anyway, the night of the dinner, I throw on a clean shirt, grab a bottle of wine from the kitchen and point the A8 in the direction of – like I said – Cherrywood. I hand Fionn the wine at the door and he has the cheek to give the label the once-over, although it’s quite possible he recognises it as the same bottle he gave us at Christmas.
Ciara hasn't actually changed in terms of looks – she's a bit like Susanna Reid, except originally from Galway – and she gives me an unbelievable welcome. She throws her orms around me and goes, "Oh my God, Ross!" with a slight American twang, "you're exactly as I remember you!" which could be taken either way, except then she adds, "You were the funniest person I ever met!"
I’m like, “Was I?” because, even though this sounds highly likely, the egomaniac in me would like to know more. “In terms of what, Ciara?”
She goes, “Do you remember you used to do impressions of all those rugby jock dudes?”
Sorcha’s like, “Er, I’m not sure they were impressions, Ciara.”
But I’m there, “If Ciara found me hilarious, Sorcha, let’s just leave it at that, okay?”
Anyway, I actually stort to genuinely warm towards the girl from that moment on. We’re eating the – like I said – dinner, which ends up being a cavolo nero, mushroom and fontina strudel, because she’s a vegetarian and I have no issue with that. We’re not that long into it when the talk all of a sudden turns to school.
Twenty per cent students from disadvantaged communities? That sounds like a lot. I mean, how disadvantaged? Are we talking, like, Dublin 6?
Sorcha’s there, “Are you still getting pushback from the board of management on your ideas, Fionn?”
And he goes, “No more than you’d expect, Sorcha. Look, there’s one or two dinosaurs on the board, but most of them I can get around. For instance, the other day, I was pitching them my idea of setting aside 20 per cent of places for students from disadvantaged communities.”
I’m like, “Jesus!”
“What?”
“Twenty per cent? It’s just that sounds like a lot.”
“It is a lot. You know how serious I am about the idea of education for all.”
"Yeah, no, I thought you were just into the idea of it. I mean, how disadvantaged are we talking? Are we talking, like, Dublin 6?"
Ciara laughs.
"Oh my God," she goes, "this is the kind of thing you used to do all the time! So funny!"
Fionn's like, "No, I'm talking about real disadvantage, Ross."
I’m there, “And who’s going to pay for these people to go to Castlerock?”
“Well, I’m proposing an increase in the fees so that the people who can afford to pay will cover the cost of those who can’t.”
“And does that sound fair to you?”
“It sounds completely fair to me – that’s why I’m proposing it.”
Ciara goes, “Oh my God, Ross, my sides are already hurting here.”
Sorcha’s there, “And, Fionn, you were saying before that you wanted to reduce the focus on preparing students for careers in business and law and offer more encouragement to those who are interested in the orts.”
I’m like, “The focking orts? Spare me.”
Fionn’s there, “Yeah, there’s been quite a bit of pushback from the board on that one. But the real battle is going to be around going co-ed.”
I’m like, “Co-ed?”
"Yeah," Ciara goes, "this was actually my idea. I just think it's about time the students of Castlerock College received a more rounded social education as well as, like, an academic one?"
I'm there, "When you say co-ed, do you mean there's going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?"
And she laughs out loud and goes, “Ten points to Gryffindor!”
