Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of’Sorcha is determined to stage a Christmas Day gathering that complies with safety guidelinesSat Dec 19 2020 - 06:00
‘How much moo are we talking – for, like, midnight Mass in, say, Foxrock?’Ronan is making a mint from black market Mass tickets until three wise men arriveSat Dec 12 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘One of your Three Wise Men stuck his middle finger up at me’All of a sudden I’ve got a woman asking me if I find food intolerances funnySat Dec 05 2020 - 06:00
The kitchen smells of rum. Either my old dear is over or Sorcha’s baking a Christmas cakeRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Storting Christmas early could be good for our mental health’Sat Nov 28 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve storted a rumour Matt Damon wants to build a house on Coliemore road’‘I just want him to see what people from Dalkey are really like’Sat Nov 21 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Honor was walking around with the blond wig and Maga sweatshirt’‘It’s like The West Wing when Jed Bortlet had to step down and John Goodman became president’Sat Nov 14 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I pop the boot and go, ‘Get in’I’m not 100% keen on Honor driving, mainly cos she’s 14, and has no licence or insuranceSat Nov 07 2020 - 08:59
I hear Sorcha go, ‘Ross, I’m just popping out!’ I’m like, ‘Oh, fock!’Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘Oh my God,’ she goes, ‘your wife is being so passive-aggressive’Sat Oct 31 2020 - 06:00
I can hear the old dear’s hysterical voice going, ‘Better men than you have eaten my one-pot stews!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘As Sorcha said, I shouldn’t have been throwing the old Gilbert around at her Ulysses fancy dress porty’Sat Oct 24 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Johnny actual Sexton is at the front door’I throw back the duvet, hop out of bed and step into my chinos, all in one fluid movementSat Oct 17 2020 - 06:00
‘Ross,’ the old man goes, ‘I’m afraid I’ve made a dreadful mistake!’Sounds like Sorcha’s old dear is driving the old man cuckoo in their Brittas Bay love nestSat Oct 10 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Oh, right – you’re one of these maskier-than-thou people’‘Talking to strangers on the doorstep is dangerous. Who knows what I might catch?’Sat Oct 03 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve never been much of a conversationalist, but I’m on fire with this woman’It storted with the shooting-of-the-s**t that goes with a doorstep package handoverSat Sept 26 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘They want us to vacate this place so they can use it as a love shack?’Three studenty types refuse to vacate a holiday home for Sorcha's old dear and my old manSat Sept 19 2020 - 06:00
‘I wouldn’t expect an animal to live in that place. And, besides, it’s rented out at the moment’Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The old pair are a bad influence on Honor so the plan was to move them outSat Sept 12 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve seen her drink turpentine and still be sober enough for nine holes in FoxrockIt looks like she’s a cranky drunk – in that way, she does take after her grandmotherSat Sept 05 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: This is still the Vico Road. Pandemic or no pandemicThere are landmork moments in our children’s lives. First day of school. First time you hold their hair back so they can vomit a naggin of vodkaSat Aug 29 2020 - 06:00
‘Your old dear has sticky-out ears and legs like the William Dorgan Bridge’‘Your dad is the leader of a political porty that believes women should have to re-sit their driving test every six months’Sat Aug 22 2020 - 06:00
‘I’m going to ask you something,’ Sorcha goes, ‘Have you two been sleeping together?’Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘I suspected there was something going on. I have a sixth sense for this’Sat Aug 15 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We could be in DeVille’s among people who get where we’re coming from. Literally the Vico Road’The sensible thing to do is to accept defeat early and try to get back on the road before the traffic gets badSat Aug 08 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re not American. This is how people from south Dublin talk?The Dingle restaurant owner thinks Ross’s family are from the US – and things get uglySat Aug 01 2020 - 06:00
‘I know none of us should be travelling - but we just thought, Fock it’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Quinta do Farranfore? I’ve never heard of it’Sat Jul 25 2020 - 06:00
‘We’ll be eating soup in Drizzle Mór while everyone else is sipping pina coladas’Posting a Fáilte Ireland pic on Instagram doesn’t mean you’re actually on a staycationSat Jul 18 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You see, the 50-person limit has made Mass tickets a hot commodity’It seems young Ronan is doing a line in black morket tickets for Masses and church servicesSat Jul 11 2020 - 07:56
‘That’ll teach him to challenge the Rossmeister to a mickey-swinging contest’Time to put Christian in his place – after all, it’s what best friends are forSat Jul 04 2020 - 06:00
‘I’m the same as you. I hate it when other people are good at stuff that I’m not good at’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor plots revenge for Ross after his rugby chat gets hijackedSat Jun 27 2020 - 06:00
‘We give our children everything they ask for, if that makes us bad parents – guilty as chorged’Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: I’m not sure we’re the kind of family who likes funSat Jun 20 2020 - 06:00
She saw a goy in a white coat and shouted, ‘Hero!’ And he was like, ‘Er, I work in Kiehl’s’Honor restorts the economy while Sorcha’s Zoom call proves fatal to Ro’s alibiSat Jun 13 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’re having a fancy dress porty. I’m going as the wife of a philanderer’Despite Sorcha’s warning, Ross may have just made a bad situation worseSat Jun 06 2020 - 06:00
‘Adultery is like getting a dent in a new cor. Once you’ve done it the first time, it becomes easier’Rueful Ross realises the old man may have amorous notions when he spots that missing Greg Norman hatSat May 30 2020 - 06:00
‘It took a global pandemic to get Ross to keep it in his trousers’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘If my orms stretched two metres, I would deck you for that’Sat May 23 2020 - 06:00
‘Dad, you can shove your offer. I’m going to sit the Leaving Cert’The Rossmeister prepares for a third crack at the exams with Honor’s home-schoolingSat May 16 2020 - 06:00
‘I’ve been booking supermorket delivery slots weeks in advance. Then selling them for €70 each’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Welcome to the horsh realities of the free morket, Honor goesSat May 09 2020 - 06:00
‘Ross, how would you like to make love to a woman with grey hair?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: After weeks in lockdown Sorcha’s roots are showingSat May 02 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Sorcha has an – I think it’s a word – alterior motive for the Zoom call’Sorcha is working on her best self and getting the old man and old dear talking againSat Apr 25 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Joe Wicks goes, ‘That’s our warm-up completed.’ I’m already fockedMy Leinster training top is a bit snugger than usual. I may have gone too hord on the chocolateSat Apr 18 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘It’s like a hostage exchange. For focking banana bread’This lockdown is storting to seriously affect me. What has happened to the world?Sat Apr 11 2020 - 06:00
‘We’re fine up here, Ross. I just can’t imagine this thing coming to Foxrock’Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Phoning ‘Mom’ is a sure sign Covid-19 crisis brings out the best in peopleSat Apr 04 2020 - 06:03
‘Ross, from this morning, you’re going to be home-schooling Honor.’ I laugh out loudRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Home-schooling? Me? But I’m a complete focking dunderhead’Sat Mar 28 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’re not going out, Ross. Not bringing Covid-19 into this house!’For five days, I’ve been stuck in the house, thinking ‘God, my family are annoying'Sat Mar 21 2020 - 06:03
‘Ross, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Your mother is on Tinder’Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The old dear is catfishing dudes on Tinder by pretending to be only 58Sat Mar 14 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I recognise the look instantly. One cheater knows another’The old dear was planning to propose to him on Saturday nightSat Mar 07 2020 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m like, Who’s Samuel Beckett?’The old dear is up in arms because the house is being considered for a preservation orderSat Feb 29 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I just shake my head ... The dirty dog. The filthy hypocrite’The triplets tear apart an oil painting of their smiling grandad and make a delightful discoverySat Feb 22 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Sold to the man in the Ireland jersey with a bowtie tied around his neck!’Who wouldn’t spend too much at a charity auction for a horrible portrait?Sat Feb 15 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I want you to flirt with the girl on the reception desk’Sorcha will do literally anything to get Honor into the right Irish collegeSat Feb 08 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I want this to be as big as the Statue of bloody well Liberty!’The old man is ordering a statue of Fr Fehily – with Panzer tanks and hippos, of courseSat Feb 01 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Críost on a rothar. It looks like Chorlie Haughey’The old man has spent some of his hord (slash, crookedly) earned money on a statue of the late, great Fr FehilySat Jan 25 2020 - 06:03
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I hate my father-in-law the same way dogs hate lampposts‘He hasn’t come to kill you, Ross. He’s come to dig up the time capsule we buried in the gorden’Sat Jan 18 2020 - 06:03
‘You’re a camel hair coat away from being your grandfather, Ro’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan admits he threw the race at Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz DaySat Jan 11 2020 - 06:00
