Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is like me before every Ireland squad announcement – in other words, focking delusionalIt’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shopSat Nov 11 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:15
‘When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird’s horrible, leering face’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the old man’s birthday, and Ronan has brought a surprising present to cheer him upSat Nov 04 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:33
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Sorcha, I honestly don’t think we can just saunter in here like nothing has happened’It’s the Mount Anville Past and Present Parents Association’s ‘Prayers and Prosecco Morning’Sat Oct 28 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:00
‘Ross, this is all your fault, you sniggering halfwit - that daughter of yours has been going wrong since the day she was born’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is resigning from the Seanad because of Honor’s actions, and I’m in the firing line with her old pairSat Oct 21 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:32
‘Ross, didn’t you get a present of an All Blacks jersey once and use it to wash the cor?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: There’s something to be said for doing a complete cull of your friends every few years. Keep them around too long and they get to know too much about youSat Oct 14 2023 - 06:02Listen | 06:03
‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I should be in Paris for the Rugby World Cup but, instead, I’m stuck at home with Honor laughing in my faceSat Oct 07 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:13
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve never seen Sorcha so upset - and given my record as a husband, that’s a genuine achievement’‘Our daughter ... is the SUV Avenger!’ she goes – as if saying it over and over again is going to help her understand it better. ‘Our daughter … is the SUV Avenger!’Sat Sept 30 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:27
‘Dad, you need to ask yourself what do you want to be – a rugby fan or a good father?’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The truth is, I want to be a good father. But I have to weigh that up against the fact that it’s Ireland versus South Africa in the literal World CupSat Sept 23 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:11
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of themI wake up in the horrors in the hotel in Nantes to find the old man gone and an unexpected guest on the way to watch Ireland v TongaSat Sept 16 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:01
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’I’ve honestly never seen the old man look so crushedSat Sept 09 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:08
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes If they ever build a new wing of the prison, they’ll probably name it after our familySat Aug 26 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:25
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes ‘People are losing faith in democracy as a means of sorting out society’s problems and these problems include seagulls,’ he tells the judgeSat Aug 19 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:30
Camino Royale: Listen to an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book‘The name’s O’Carroll-Kelly. Ross O’Carroll-Kelly.’Wed Aug 16 2023 - 17:09Listen | 12:36
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’Ronan catches SUV Avenger ‘putting a screwthriver into fruddent passenger tyre of a Subaru Foddester in Glenageerdy’Sat Aug 12 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:37
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagullsWe’re in the old man’s boat in the middle of Dublin Bay, with Hennessy and a sawn-off shotgunSat Aug 05 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:19
Father and son. From the same city. And we might as well be a donkey talking to a parrotRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘How are you fixed for the Oddle … Arelint … football … fidal … on Suddendee?’ asks RonanSat Jul 29 2023 - 05:00Listen | 05:52
‘We cannot stand idly by and let these so-called birds lay claim to our streets!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has called a meeting at the Shelbourne Hotel to take action against the latest scourge on Dublin – the seagullsSat Jul 22 2023 - 05:00
‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The residents of Morlborough Road are out with torches searching for the culpritSat Jul 15 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:48
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: People like us don’t get embarrassed. That’s how we’ve ended up where we are in lifeThe old man is too mortified to tell me what really happened to him outside the Shelbourne hotelSat Jul 08 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:27
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’Sorcha has decided she’d rather take the Dort and let her SUV depreciate in the garden than be seen driving it like a hypocriteSat Jul 01 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:11
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s corThe note on the windscreen reads: ‘Attention! Your gas guzzler kills! You’ll be angry, but don’t take it personally! It’s not you – it’s your cor!’Sat Jun 24 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:48
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Bloomsday is God’s way of telling middle class people they have too much time on their hands’It’s a big book – who’s to say what Kitty Ricketts did or didn’t do within its 1,000-or-so pages?Sat Jun 17 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:55
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: There’s nothing like the school sports day to get the old competitive juices flowingI have to confess to getting a bit carried away, and I stort shouting things like, ‘Eat it up, you pack of losers!’ at the other moms and dadsSat Jun 10 2023 - 10:49
‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor calls me the cool parent and asks if she can get Botox. At the very least, I’ll turn a blind eyeSat Jun 03 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:06
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dearThere’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in BogotáSat May 27 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matchesThere’s the big foghorn voice for storters. The way he shouts random stuff like, ‘Stealth, Leinster! Stealth!’ The bullshit opinions on the game. The focking Latin. Oh my God, the focking LatinSat May 20 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10Christian’s ex-wife Lauren is asking about the college fund I supposedly set up for my godson, Ross JuniorSat May 13 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girlHonor goes, ‘It’s because I’m not good-looking.’ I’m there, ‘Looks aren’t important, Honor,’ and I’ve no idea where I’m pulling these lines fromSat May 06 2023 - 05:00Listen | 05:53
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?This Joshua goy is a ring for Harry Styles – we’re talking way out of Honor’s leagueSat Apr 29 2023 - 05:00Listen | 05:32
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’I’m having this brainwave when the old man shows up, asking for help to dissuade the old dear from applying to present The Late Late ShowSat Apr 22 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:07
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ contentI know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been betterSat Apr 15 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:02
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughtersThe idea of the old dear hosting The Late Late Toy Show is too funny to turn her awaySat Apr 08 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding’If everybody is doing something how bad can it be, Ross thinks, as he submits to peer pressure from his daughter and discovers vapingSat Apr 01 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:12
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick meRoss gets a call from the old dear. She’s definitely got an – if this is an actual word – alterior motiveSat Mar 25 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:01
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What a day . . . I’ll just send a quick congrats text to Johnny SextonWinning the Grand Slam is great, but Ross is about to be brought back to earth with a bumpMon Mar 20 2023 - 13:25
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beatenThe big Castlerock College versus Newpork Comprehensive showdown has arrivedSat Mar 18 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:52
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself’When his ‘back me or sack me’ move backfires, Ross is left in a mild depression having lost his job as the coach of Castlerock College girls rugby teamSat Mar 11 2023 - 05:00Listen | 05:48
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talentThe Rossmeister General finds out about the ‘deleterious effect’ rugby is having on academic and behavioural standards among girls at schoolSat Mar 04 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:24
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve ended up on a poster for adult incontinence treatment on a gable wall in, like, RanelaghOnly the crookedest lawyer in Ireland can get me out of this contract I accidentally signed with a modelling agencySat Feb 25 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:10
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myselfJames Lowe’s flying corner try against France last Saturday was, like, ortSat Feb 18 2023 - 05:00Listen | 05:56
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!’There’s actually a bit of a wobble in my voice? I’m quite emotional this weekSat Feb 11 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stopRoss is getting pictures taken for his first modelling assignment, but Honor thinks he ‘looks like a superhero who’s let himself go’Sun Feb 05 2023 - 15:36Listen | 06:14
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sixmas is what I call the Six Nations Championship – the most wonderful time of the yearRoss has a treat for the girls’ team: his DVD of the 2009 Six NationsSat Jan 28 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:43
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Would I have to take my top off for any of these jobs? That wouldn’t be an issue for me. I’m in incredible shape’In Cinnamon in Monkstown, Ross is approached with an intriguing job offerSat Jan 21 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:07
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: If women’s rugby is ever going to be treated seriously, they’ll have to embrace the whole obnoxiousness thingNewpork have offered the Castlerock College girls’ team a rematch, and Ross is looking for a captainSat Jan 14 2023 - 05:00Listen | 06:19
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I silently curse myself for giving St Michael’s College credit that they don’t deserveDisposing of the tree is traditionally one of my jobs, because if it was left to Sorcha – we wouldn’t have one in the first placeSat Jan 07 2023 - 05:00Listen | 05:58
‘You put the focking Quality Street, the focking Roses and the focking Celebrations in the same bowl!’Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old dear has everyone in tears on Christmas night - and it’s not for the usual reasonsSat Dec 24 2022 - 05:00Listen | 06:19
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at onceMy kids are already queuing up with their old dear to see him. Who knows what the little psychopaths might do or saySat Dec 17 2022 - 05:00Listen | 06:18
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the Castlerock College mince pie-eating contest, and Leo is stepping up to the plateLeo has a healthy appetite – like a lot of seven-year-old boys – but Reuben O Raghallaigh could eat a rake of mince pies and then probably eat himSat Dec 10 2022 - 05:00Listen | 06:29
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’Ross and Honor plot to distract Sorcha while Buckets of Blood breaks into their houseSat Dec 03 2022 - 04:45Listen | 05:57
