'There’s no denying that something incredible has happened this morning'I’m in genuine shock, the reason being that I’ve never seen our daughter cry beforeSat May 04 2013 - 06:00
‘You want him to die with that knowledge? Castlerock College taking in the unwashed masses’Sat Apr 27 2013 - 05:00
“Non. Fee. Paying. The more you say it, the more you stop even hearing the words?”Sat Apr 20 2013 - 06:00
'I told her I thought I was probably gay'“I ended up having to give it to her straight. That’s right. I told her I thought I was possibly gay.”Sat Apr 13 2013 - 06:00
Bus tour turf war gets serious‘Until that moment, I would have said there was no more terrifying feeling in the world than being shaken awake by a woman, going, “Fock! My husband’s home!” ’Sat Apr 06 2013 - 06:00
'Look at us – being trolled by our daughter across the floor of the BT cafe'I notice that, like, 10 seconds ago, Honor tweeted, “My mother is a sad and hopeless sap”Sat Mar 30 2013 - 06:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly‘I feel my fists immediately tighten, like the way they do whenever I see photographs of Caroline Wozniacki with Rory McIllroy. I just hate injustice’Sat Mar 23 2013 - 06:00
Mother’s Day in a five-star by a slaughterhouseRoss’s daughter drops a bombshellSat Mar 09 2013 - 06:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly'I'm remembering some of the eye broccoli I ended up with when I was unattached. We're talking serious horse-beasts'Sat Feb 23 2013 - 00:00
'Women are a bit like cuckoo clocks - fascinating, fun, but no one really knows how they actually work'I t’s about time the Government declared Brian O’Driscoll’s birthday a national holiday,” I goSat Feb 09 2013 - 00:00
Ross O'Carroll-KellySo there I am, stretched out on the sofa, a Hydrogen in one hand, five more in the fridge, and Ireland versus South Africa about…Sat Nov 17 2012 - 00:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly‘I’m not cutting my old dear’s – I don’t know – girdle off. I’d be sick’Sat Oct 27 2012 - 01:00
‘Don’t underestimate me when it comes to the whole parenting thing . . . ’TINA RINGS ME at, like, nine o’clock or some other ridiculous hour of the morning, roaring down the phone at me, in that Dublin…Sat Sept 08 2012 - 01:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly‘I’m pretty sure rugby was still amateur the last time I went even six weeks without Ant and Decs’Sat Apr 21 2012 - 01:00
Ross O'Carroll-KellyI CALL INTO SORCHA’S gaff during the week and I end up hearing one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever heard? Ronan is in…Sat Nov 12 2011 - 00:00
Ross O'Carroll-KellySIXTY-SOMETHING YEARS on this Earth and the old man still hasn’t learned to tell an actual jokeSat Jul 16 2011 - 01:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly‘I’m not talking about the kind of huge estate that Ronan lives on – where people ride horses to the local shop and children …Sat Jun 25 2011 - 01:00
Ross O'Caroll KellyI mean, I could be sat at home, watching the day’s events from the old Den of N EquitySat Apr 30 2011 - 01:00
Ross O'Carroll-KellyAnd then I sing, “Whoooa-oh-ho – young Sexton’s on fire!”, which is what I was singing when the bouncers focked me out of Krystle…Sat Apr 16 2011 - 01:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly“This ain’t no gourmet food shop any more. It’s a cash-for-gold outlet. Can’t do nothing for youSat Apr 02 2011 - 01:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly“You’ve got, like, two thousand and however many kids – and their teachers, by the way, which really surprised me – running towards…Sat Mar 19 2011 - 00:00
'This isn't doing 120 Ks on the Rock Road, Ross. It's serious'I’m feeling bad about dragging Oisinn home – well, if you owed the banks 70 mil would you come back?Sat Feb 05 2011 - 00:00
'It's Seán FitzPatrick's old BMW. I bought it for you online'I’m a bit scooby dubious about my birthday present – as in, why did it cost only six thousand snots?Sat Jan 29 2011 - 00:00
'Look, I know I've ruined your life. But you'll bounce back, Ro'‘CHRISTMAS DAY, God and St Peter are playing golf,” he goes. “First hole’s a par threeFri Dec 24 2010 - 00:00
'You've been with Dorcas, Martha, Ruth, Sarah, Alice and Liza'“He wanders into the Aldi – because they’ve given it, like, a recession twist? – then asks the checkout bird whether she has …Sat Dec 18 2010 - 00:00
'I've got news, Ross, that'll blow away your Budget-day blues'“I can’t suddenly switch my attentions to one of her mates just because I’ve lost interest in her. This isn’t WesleySat Dec 11 2010 - 00:00
'Need a woord from the woyiz, Rosser. There's this boord . . .'Ronan’s old dear isn’t happy, roysh, but when the boy asks for expert advice on the deadlier of the sexes, what’s a man to do…Sat Nov 27 2010 - 00:00
'I wanted to give you this. Ross, it's my application for a divorce'Me and my big Moët – I thought we’d celebrate Aung San whatsit getting out, but Sorcha wasn’t in the mood to portySat Nov 20 2010 - 00:00
'Fionnuala O'Carroll-Kelly is back! Three exclamation marks!!!'They’re all gushing over the old dear’s new recession novelSat Nov 13 2010 - 00:00
'It was like 'The X Factor', Ross. It's only a job in a clothes shop'Honor’s playdate with Mallorie could end up my playdate with Mallorie’s old dear if I play my cords rightSat Oct 30 2010 - 01:00
'It has to be said that I've turned out to be an amazing father'It’d make any dad proud: Ro’s notched up number three of the ‘Seven Brides’, and her boyfriend is in – yes! – Clongowes…Sat Oct 09 2010 - 01:00
'Where's her degree from? Is it, like, Dumb Blonde School?'Healing through t’ai chi? The only t’ai chi that interests me is the horizontal kind – and not in the focking circus field in…Sat Oct 02 2010 - 01:00
'See, Rosser, she thinks she's me girdle friend. She keeps texting'When Ro starts going soft on the Mounties, it’s time for some fatherly advice and a demonstration of the rugby-tackle method …Sat Sept 25 2010 - 01:00
'How could he be that mullered at half-eight in the morning?'Letting the old man go on the radio after a night on the lash? Even I could tell Sorcha that’s not the best campaign strategy…Sat Sept 18 2010 - 01:00
'I've seen more meat on a snackbox the morning after'My dodgy neighbours are planning to skip off to Spain, so we may have a chance now of actually selling our gaffsSat Sept 11 2010 - 01:00
'One, two, three, four, we want no subs in Dublin 4!'The old dear is rallying the troops against this sambo shop in Donnybrook, and they’re not going to roll over in a hurrySat Aug 28 2010 - 01:00
'What have you done? I can't go to the wedding looking like this'Gotta look the port for Drico’s do – but why does that spray tan look so dork? writes ROSS O'CARROLL-KELLYSat Jul 03 2010 - 01:00
'Now, I don't embarrass easily. I played for UCD, remember'Sorcha’s little sister – Orphelia or Azaria or whatever – obviously has the hots for meSat Jun 19 2010 - 01:00
'I need you to find someone for me. Her name's, like, Daniella'No one makes a fool of the Rosser, roysh. Time to call in the big gunsSat May 22 2010 - 01:00
'Can't you see, Ross? It's finally happened. You're being played.'Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t get her on the iPhone – it must be loveSat May 15 2010 - 01:00
'Look, no offence, but I've never been into post-match chat'This chick is using my best lines – in fact, she could be actual me?Sat May 08 2010 - 01:00
'A flatbed truck and a Hiace van on Shrewsbury Road'So I’m heartless, cold, dead inside? If JP’s dad is trying to flatter me...Sat May 01 2010 - 01:00
'He's arthur putting me on the team for the Maths Olympiad'Tina and McGahy? If my lips weren’t paralysed by Vicks, roysh, I’d give them a piece of my mindSat Apr 17 2010 - 01:00
'You were spotted in Herbert Pork, timing her running laps'Non-competitive sport? No daughter of mine is gonna play that way – time to rewrite historySat Apr 10 2010 - 01:00
'Ronan is an absolute joy to have here at the school'I know McGahy hates rugby, but this has gone too far – and what’s with all the air-kissing?Sat Apr 03 2010 - 01:00
'Ross, you're 30 years of age and still behaving like a teenager'Hey, who wouldn’t want to end up like Johnny Ronan? And why does Sorcha suddenly care?Sat Mar 20 2010 - 00:00
'I'm the one living next door to Skobie O'Gill and the Lidl People'Turns out the old man and the New Westies are mates from the Gladiator Academy daysSat Mar 13 2010 - 00:00
'You got me out of bed to watch you two punk George Lee?'The old man back in public office? He’s right – this city really is going down the toiletSat Feb 13 2010 - 00:00
