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'There’s no denying that something incredible has happened this morning'

'There’s no denying that something incredible has happened this morning'

I’m in genuine shock, the reason being that I’ve never seen our daughter cry before

Sat May 04 2013 - 06:00

‘You want him to die with that knowledge? Castlerock College taking in the unwashed masses’

Sat Apr 27 2013 - 05:00

“Non. Fee. Paying. The more you say it, the more you stop even hearing the words?”

Sat Apr 20 2013 - 06:00
'I told her I thought I was probably gay'

'I told her I thought I was probably gay'

“I ended up having to give it to her straight. That’s right. I told her I thought I was possibly gay.”

Sat Apr 13 2013 - 06:00
Bus tour turf war gets serious

Bus tour turf war gets serious

‘Until that moment, I would have said there was no more terrifying feeling in the world than being shaken awake by a woman, going, “Fock! My husband’s home!” ’

Sat Apr 06 2013 - 06:00
'Look at us – being trolled by our daughter across the floor of the BT cafe'

'Look at us – being trolled by our daughter across the floor of the BT cafe'

I notice that, like, 10 seconds ago, Honor tweeted, “My mother is a sad and hopeless sap”

Sat Mar 30 2013 - 06:00

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly

‘I feel my fists immediately tighten, like the way they do whenever I see photographs of Caroline Wozniacki with Rory McIllroy. I just hate injustice’

Sat Mar 23 2013 - 06:00

It’s war on the Love/Hate bus circuit

Sat Mar 16 2013 - 00:00

Mother’s Day in a five-star by a slaughterhouse

Ross’s daughter drops a bombshell

Sat Mar 09 2013 - 06:00
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

'I'm remembering some of the eye broccoli I ended up with when I was unattached. We're talking serious horse-beasts'

Sat Feb 23 2013 - 00:00
'Women are a bit like cuckoo clocks - fascinating, fun, but no one really knows how they actually work'

'Women are a bit like cuckoo clocks - fascinating, fun, but no one really knows how they actually work'

I t’s about time the Government declared Brian O’Driscoll’s birthday a national holiday,” I go

Sat Feb 09 2013 - 00:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

So there I am, stretched out on the sofa, a Hydrogen in one hand, five more in the fridge, and Ireland versus South Africa about…

Sat Nov 17 2012 - 00:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I’m not cutting my old dear’s – I don’t know – girdle off. I’d be sick’

Sat Oct 27 2012 - 01:00

‘Don’t underestimate me when it comes to the whole parenting thing . . . ’

TINA RINGS ME at, like, nine o’clock or some other ridiculous hour of the morning, roaring down the phone at me, in that Dublin…

Sat Sept 08 2012 - 01:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I’m pretty sure rugby was still amateur the last time I went even six weeks without Ant and Decs’

Sat Apr 21 2012 - 01:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

I CALL INTO SORCHA’S gaff during the week and I end up hearing one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever heard? Ronan is in…

Sat Nov 12 2011 - 00:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

SORCHA AND HONOR are at war at the moment

Sat Sept 03 2011 - 01:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

SIXTY-SOMETHING YEARS on this Earth and the old man still hasn’t learned to tell an actual joke

Sat Jul 16 2011 - 01:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

‘I’m not talking about the kind of huge estate that Ronan lives on – where people ride horses to the local shop and children …

Sat Jun 25 2011 - 01:00

Ross O'Caroll Kelly

I mean, I could be sat at home, watching the day’s events from the old Den of N Equity

Sat Apr 30 2011 - 01:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

And then I sing, “Whoooa-oh-ho – young Sexton’s on fire!”, which is what I was singing when the bouncers focked me out of Krystle…

Sat Apr 16 2011 - 01:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

“This ain’t no gourmet food shop any more. It’s a cash-for-gold outlet. Can’t do nothing for you

Sat Apr 02 2011 - 01:00

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

“You’ve got, like, two thousand and however many kids – and their teachers, by the way, which really surprised me – running towards…

Sat Mar 19 2011 - 00:00

'This isn't doing 120 Ks on the Rock Road, Ross. It's serious'

I’m feeling bad about dragging Oisinn home – well, if you owed the banks 70 mil would you come back?

Sat Feb 05 2011 - 00:00

'It's Seán FitzPatrick's old BMW. I bought it for you online'

I’m a bit scooby dubious about my birthday present – as in, why did it cost only six thousand snots?

Sat Jan 29 2011 - 00:00

'Look, I know I've ruined your life. But you'll bounce back, Ro'

‘CHRISTMAS DAY, God and St Peter are playing golf,” he goes. “First hole’s a par three

Fri Dec 24 2010 - 00:00

'You've been with Dorcas, Martha, Ruth, Sarah, Alice and Liza'

“He wanders into the Aldi – because they’ve given it, like, a recession twist? – then asks the checkout bird whether she has …

Sat Dec 18 2010 - 00:00

'I've got news, Ross, that'll blow away your Budget-day blues'

“I can’t suddenly switch my attentions to one of her mates just because I’ve lost interest in her. This isn’t Wesley

Sat Dec 11 2010 - 00:00

'Need a woord from the woyiz, Rosser. There's this boord . . .'

Ronan’s old dear isn’t happy, roysh, but when the boy asks for expert advice on the deadlier of the sexes, what’s a man to do…

Sat Nov 27 2010 - 00:00

'I wanted to give you this. Ross, it's my application for a divorce'

Me and my big Moët – I thought we’d celebrate Aung San whatsit getting out, but Sorcha wasn’t in the mood to porty

Sat Nov 20 2010 - 00:00

'Fionnuala O'Carroll-Kelly is back! Three exclamation marks!!!'

They’re all gushing over the old dear’s new recession novel

Sat Nov 13 2010 - 00:00

'It was like 'The X Factor', Ross. It's only a job in a clothes shop'

Honor’s playdate with Mallorie could end up my playdate with Mallorie’s old dear if I play my cords right

Sat Oct 30 2010 - 01:00

'It has to be said that I've turned out to be an amazing father'

It’d make any dad proud: Ro’s notched up number three of the ‘Seven Brides’, and her boyfriend is in – yes! – Clongowes…

Sat Oct 09 2010 - 01:00

'Where's her degree from? Is it, like, Dumb Blonde School?'

Healing through t’ai chi? The only t’ai chi that interests me is the horizontal kind – and not in the focking circus field in…

Sat Oct 02 2010 - 01:00

'See, Rosser, she thinks she's me girdle friend. She keeps texting'

When Ro starts going soft on the Mounties, it’s time for some fatherly advice and a demonstration of the rugby-tackle method …

Sat Sept 25 2010 - 01:00

'How could he be that mullered at half-eight in the morning?'

Letting the old man go on the radio after a night on the lash? Even I could tell Sorcha that’s not the best campaign strategy…

Sat Sept 18 2010 - 01:00

'I've seen more meat on a snackbox the morning after'

My dodgy neighbours are planning to skip off to Spain, so we may have a chance now of actually selling our gaffs

Sat Sept 11 2010 - 01:00

'One, two, three, four, we want no subs in Dublin 4!'

The old dear is rallying the troops against this sambo shop in Donnybrook, and they’re not going to roll over in a hurry

Sat Aug 28 2010 - 01:00

'What have you done? I can't go to the wedding looking like this'

Gotta look the port for Drico’s do – but why does that spray tan look so dork? writes ROSS O'CARROLL-KELLY

Sat Jul 03 2010 - 01:00

'Now, I don't embarrass easily. I played for UCD, remember'

Sorcha’s little sister – Orphelia or Azaria or whatever – obviously has the hots for me

Sat Jun 19 2010 - 01:00

'I need you to find someone for me. Her name's, like, Daniella'

No one makes a fool of the Rosser, roysh. Time to call in the big guns

Sat May 22 2010 - 01:00

'Can't you see, Ross? It's finally happened. You're being played.'

Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t get her on the iPhone – it must be love

Sat May 15 2010 - 01:00

'Look, no offence, but I've never been into post-match chat'

This chick is using my best lines – in fact, she could be actual me?

Sat May 08 2010 - 01:00

'A flatbed truck and a Hiace van on Shrewsbury Road'

So I’m heartless, cold, dead inside? If JP’s dad is trying to flatter me...

Sat May 01 2010 - 01:00

'He's arthur putting me on the team for the Maths Olympiad'

Tina and McGahy? If my lips weren’t paralysed by Vicks, roysh, I’d give them a piece of my mind

Sat Apr 17 2010 - 01:00

'You were spotted in Herbert Pork, timing her running laps'

Non-competitive sport? No daughter of mine is gonna play that way – time to rewrite history

Sat Apr 10 2010 - 01:00

'Ronan is an absolute joy to have here at the school'

I know McGahy hates rugby, but this has gone too far – and what’s with all the air-kissing?

Sat Apr 03 2010 - 01:00

'Ross, you're 30 years of age and still behaving like a teenager'

Hey, who wouldn’t want to end up like Johnny Ronan? And why does Sorcha suddenly care?

Sat Mar 20 2010 - 00:00

'I'm the one living next door to Skobie O'Gill and the Lidl People'

Turns out the old man and the New Westies are mates from the Gladiator Academy days

Sat Mar 13 2010 - 00:00

'You got me out of bed to watch you two punk George Lee?'

The old man back in public office? He’s right – this city really is going down the toilet

Sat Feb 13 2010 - 00:00
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