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Listen up: ‘Any week in which Honor doesn’t maim another student is a bonus'

Listen up: ‘Any week in which Honor doesn’t maim another student is a bonus'

Sat Jun 06 2015 - 05:00

Listen up: So the kid has a few moves. I take my hat off to him

Sat May 30 2015 - 01:00

‘I had, like, €70 in my pocket to get everything I needed for the week. I literally felt like a homeless person’

Sat May 16 2015 - 05:00

‘I turned my head to see the old dear staring at me from, like, 10 feet away, looking like a drag queen being secretly poisoned to death’

‘Most of these conversations took place while I was in the cor, driving around like the proverbial blue-orsed fly’

Sat May 09 2015 - 05:00
‘A forty-foot fall wouldn’t kill you . . . you’re about 90 per cent rubber from the waist up’

‘A forty-foot fall wouldn’t kill you . . . you’re about 90 per cent rubber from the waist up’

Sat May 02 2015 - 01:00

‘Honor told Niall Horan that it didn’t matter how many limos or private jets he travelled in, he’d always have the whiff of the bog about him’

Sat Apr 25 2015 - 05:45
‘They’re trying to turn this country’s elite schools into young offenders’ institutions, teaching   metalwork and joyriding’

‘They’re trying to turn this country’s elite schools into young offenders’ institutions, teaching metalwork and joyriding’

Sat Apr 18 2015 - 05:45

‘You know what the guy in the bank said about you Ross? “It’s like he doesn’t have feelings, like someone hollowed out his soul”’

Sat Apr 11 2015 - 05:30

‘The boy my daughter has a crush on happens to have a crush on her mother. Like I said, it’s the southside – we have our own ways’

Sat Apr 04 2015 - 05:00

‘The common touch? This is a girl who has to stick on the subtitles every time Imelda May is on the TV’

Sat Mar 28 2015 - 05:00

‘I laugh, even though I’ve no idea what a mirage is. I was on the senior cup team at school – I can’t emphasise that enough’

Sat Mar 21 2015 - 09:29
‘The old dear has set up a Foxrock Chapter of the New Land League to campaign for the Four Fs: a Free House, Fixtures and Fittings and for the banks to Fock Off’

‘The old dear has set up a Foxrock Chapter of the New Land League to campaign for the Four Fs: a Free House, Fixtures and Fittings and for the banks to Fock Off’

Sat Mar 14 2015 - 05:44

‘It’s time for me to act like a proper father... “Your boyfriend has a crush on your mother,” I go. “It’s kind of funny”’

Sat Mar 07 2015 - 05:45
“They’ll be earning £100,000 a week for 13 years, then they’ll be thrown on the scrapheap with nothing to show for it”

“They’ll be earning £100,000 a week for 13 years, then they’ll be thrown on the scrapheap with nothing to show for it”

Sat Feb 21 2015 - 05:30

‘Shopping for a cord the night before Valentine’s Day is a bit like dating in your early 40s – most of what’s left out there is wrecked-looking’

Sat Feb 14 2015 - 06:00

‘You’re not Eliza Doolittle. You’re Eliza Saylittle. In fact, you’re Eliza Sayfockall’

Sat Jan 24 2015 - 06:00

‘My friend is calling over and I don’t want you embarrassing me by being the total and utter knob that you always are’

Sat Jan 17 2015 - 05:00

‘Dude, it’s a pair of a chinos and a Leinster jersey – it’s not a pair of rollerblades and a focking tutu’

Sat Jan 03 2015 - 01:00
‘Sorcha subtly checks out the female guests, trying to decide which staff member I’m most likely to cheat on her with’

‘Sorcha subtly checks out the female guests, trying to decide which staff member I’m most likely to cheat on her with’

Sat Dec 27 2014 - 00:00
‘Honor gets dark moods if she’s asked to travel north of College Green – she’s very much my daughter in that regord’

‘Honor gets dark moods if she’s asked to travel north of College Green – she’s very much my daughter in that regord’

Sat Dec 20 2014 - 06:00

‘My daughter is possibly psychotic, but she’s also terribly funny’

Sat Dec 13 2014 - 06:00
"She’s been parading around Dublin with her ethnically diverse godchildren in tow ..."

"She’s been parading around Dublin with her ethnically diverse godchildren in tow ..."

. . . one black, one Chinese and one a little bit Eastern Europeany’

Sat Dec 06 2014 - 08:04
“This is a woman who stops talking to me for three days if I give the jacks a pre-emptive flush before sitting on it”

“This is a woman who stops talking to me for three days if I give the jacks a pre-emptive flush before sitting on it”

Sat Nov 29 2014 - 06:00

‘If you stare at my old dear for long enough, you can see the evil coming off her’

Sat Nov 22 2014 - 01:00
Are you saying Honor’s behaviour has improved? ‘Oh, no, she’s the most appalling child I’ve ever had the misfortune to teach’

Are you saying Honor’s behaviour has improved? ‘Oh, no, she’s the most appalling child I’ve ever had the misfortune to teach’

Sat Nov 15 2014 - 11:10
‘This doesn’t seem to faze him at all. A 34-year-old man with a 17-year-old son. Then it’s soccer, I suppose. He must see a lot’

‘This doesn’t seem to faze him at all. A 34-year-old man with a 17-year-old son. Then it’s soccer, I suppose. He must see a lot’

Sat Nov 08 2014 - 12:31

‘Seriously. I’d rather spend a night stapling my scrotum to my forehead than having dinner with you’

Sat Nov 01 2014 - 01:00

‘A child minder arrives, full of the joys, only to leave like a soldier who’s just done a tour of, I don’t know, Iran or Iraq or whichever one it is’

Wed Oct 29 2014 - 12:51
‘Don’t you just hate men who raise the bor to unrealistic heights for the rest of us?’

‘Don’t you just hate men who raise the bor to unrealistic heights for the rest of us?’

Sat Oct 25 2014 - 01:00

‘Who’s Wendy Wagoner? Is this yet another donor you’re using to farm fat for your forehead?’

Sat Oct 18 2014 - 01:00

‘It led to Sean McDermott Street being described as “Dublin’s Notting Hill”.’

Sat Oct 04 2014 - 01:00

‘That medal is the most precious thing in the world to me – after you and your sister. Well, it’s possibly more precious than Honor. It’d be a close run thing’

Sat Sept 27 2014 - 01:00

‘He’s like “Know what these people are waiting for?” I’m there, “Er, butter vouchers?” and that’s nothing against the people of Templeogue. It’s just my prejudice’

Sat Sept 20 2014 - 01:00

I’m passing the offices of Hook, Lyon and Sinker and I for some reason stop. It’s like my feet are being controlled by, I don’t know, GPS or something?’

Sat Sept 13 2014 - 01:00

‘I don’t write down anything Honor says for fear of it falling into the hands of a social worker’

Sun Sept 07 2014 - 13:10

‘There are times when even my old man can’t hide his disappointment at how thick I am’

Sat Aug 30 2014 - 01:00

‘Sometimes I have to tell you what you want to hear . . . I’m tempted to say that’s marriage’

Sat Aug 23 2014 - 01:00

‘I’ll say in court I was a model boss, family man, never strayed once in my married life – blah, blah, blah’

Sat Aug 16 2014 - 01:00

‘When you come from Bray, living in a bus shelter would seem like paradise’

Sat Aug 09 2014 - 20:10
‘I’m letting her do all the heavy lifting today, just to prove I’m not a sexist pig’

‘I’m letting her do all the heavy lifting today, just to prove I’m not a sexist pig’

Sat Aug 02 2014 - 01:00

‘I will never, ever understand the game of soccer. And thank God for that’

Sat Jul 26 2014 - 11:21

‘It’s not every day your son goes for a trial at Manchester United. I’m doing well hiding my disappointment’

Sat Jul 19 2014 - 14:40

‘She’s not exactly a looker, but I still would, if you know what I mean. I’m heteroflexible – I’d roide anything’

Tue Jul 15 2014 - 16:39
‘I need to find the biting point between what’s sexual harassment and what’s legitimate chatting-up’

‘I need to find the biting point between what’s sexual harassment and what’s legitimate chatting-up’

Sat Jul 05 2014 - 01:00
He says the words every south Dublin parent must dread: ‘I’ve been ast to go for a thrial at Maddenchester Unirit’

He says the words every south Dublin parent must dread: ‘I’ve been ast to go for a thrial at Maddenchester Unirit’

Sat Jun 28 2014 - 01:00

‘I would walk a mile on my knees on broken glass just to drink a pint of her bathwater’

Sat Jun 21 2014 - 01:00
‘I must be the only transition year student ever to fill in his work experience questionnaire at gunpoint’

‘I must be the only transition year student ever to fill in his work experience questionnaire at gunpoint’

Sat Jun 14 2014 - 01:00
‘I’m convinced you could tackle the world’s birthrate problem by showing everyone in China a 60-second YouTube clip of Honor’

‘I’m convinced you could tackle the world’s birthrate problem by showing everyone in China a 60-second YouTube clip of Honor’

Sat Jun 07 2014 - 01:00

‘Dad asked if I could be Bill Clinton to Sorcha’s Hillary. I suppose the obvious answer to that is, yes’

Sat May 31 2014 - 01:00
‘I’m not sure I like the word torture. . . enhanced interrogation techniques was the phrase we settled on’

‘I’m not sure I like the word torture. . . enhanced interrogation techniques was the phrase we settled on’

Sat May 24 2014 - 01:00
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