Listen up: ‘I watched “The Exorcist” thinking, why can’t we have a nice, normal daughter like that?’Fri Jun 12 2015 - 14:29
‘I had, like, €70 in my pocket to get everything I needed for the week. I literally felt like a homeless person’Sat May 16 2015 - 05:00
‘I turned my head to see the old dear staring at me from, like, 10 feet away, looking like a drag queen being secretly poisoned to death’‘Most of these conversations took place while I was in the cor, driving around like the proverbial blue-orsed fly’Sat May 09 2015 - 05:00
‘A forty-foot fall wouldn’t kill you . . . you’re about 90 per cent rubber from the waist up’Sat May 02 2015 - 01:00
‘Honor told Niall Horan that it didn’t matter how many limos or private jets he travelled in, he’d always have the whiff of the bog about him’Sat Apr 25 2015 - 05:45
‘They’re trying to turn this country’s elite schools into young offenders’ institutions, teaching metalwork and joyriding’Sat Apr 18 2015 - 05:45
‘You know what the guy in the bank said about you Ross? “It’s like he doesn’t have feelings, like someone hollowed out his soul”’Sat Apr 11 2015 - 05:30
‘The boy my daughter has a crush on happens to have a crush on her mother. Like I said, it’s the southside – we have our own ways’Sat Apr 04 2015 - 05:00
‘The common touch? This is a girl who has to stick on the subtitles every time Imelda May is on the TV’Sat Mar 28 2015 - 05:00
‘I laugh, even though I’ve no idea what a mirage is. I was on the senior cup team at school – I can’t emphasise that enough’Sat Mar 21 2015 - 09:29
‘The old dear has set up a Foxrock Chapter of the New Land League to campaign for the Four Fs: a Free House, Fixtures and Fittings and for the banks to Fock Off’Sat Mar 14 2015 - 05:44
‘It’s time for me to act like a proper father... “Your boyfriend has a crush on your mother,” I go. “It’s kind of funny”’Sat Mar 07 2015 - 05:45
“They’ll be earning £100,000 a week for 13 years, then they’ll be thrown on the scrapheap with nothing to show for it”Sat Feb 21 2015 - 05:30
‘Shopping for a cord the night before Valentine’s Day is a bit like dating in your early 40s – most of what’s left out there is wrecked-looking’Sat Feb 14 2015 - 06:00
‘You’re not Eliza Doolittle. You’re Eliza Saylittle. In fact, you’re Eliza Sayfockall’Sat Jan 24 2015 - 06:00
‘My friend is calling over and I don’t want you embarrassing me by being the total and utter knob that you always are’Sat Jan 17 2015 - 05:00
‘Dude, it’s a pair of a chinos and a Leinster jersey – it’s not a pair of rollerblades and a focking tutu’Sat Jan 03 2015 - 01:00
‘Sorcha subtly checks out the female guests, trying to decide which staff member I’m most likely to cheat on her with’Sat Dec 27 2014 - 00:00
‘Honor gets dark moods if she’s asked to travel north of College Green – she’s very much my daughter in that regord’Sat Dec 20 2014 - 06:00
"She’s been parading around Dublin with her ethnically diverse godchildren in tow ...". . . one black, one Chinese and one a little bit Eastern Europeany’Sat Dec 06 2014 - 08:04
“This is a woman who stops talking to me for three days if I give the jacks a pre-emptive flush before sitting on it”Sat Nov 29 2014 - 06:00
‘If you stare at my old dear for long enough, you can see the evil coming off her’Sat Nov 22 2014 - 01:00
Are you saying Honor’s behaviour has improved? ‘Oh, no, she’s the most appalling child I’ve ever had the misfortune to teach’Sat Nov 15 2014 - 11:10
‘This doesn’t seem to faze him at all. A 34-year-old man with a 17-year-old son. Then it’s soccer, I suppose. He must see a lot’Sat Nov 08 2014 - 12:31
‘Seriously. I’d rather spend a night stapling my scrotum to my forehead than having dinner with you’Sat Nov 01 2014 - 01:00
‘A child minder arrives, full of the joys, only to leave like a soldier who’s just done a tour of, I don’t know, Iran or Iraq or whichever one it is’Wed Oct 29 2014 - 12:51
‘Don’t you just hate men who raise the bor to unrealistic heights for the rest of us?’Sat Oct 25 2014 - 01:00
‘Who’s Wendy Wagoner? Is this yet another donor you’re using to farm fat for your forehead?’Sat Oct 18 2014 - 01:00
‘That medal is the most precious thing in the world to me – after you and your sister. Well, it’s possibly more precious than Honor. It’d be a close run thing’Sat Sept 27 2014 - 01:00
‘He’s like “Know what these people are waiting for?” I’m there, “Er, butter vouchers?” and that’s nothing against the people of Templeogue. It’s just my prejudice’Sat Sept 20 2014 - 01:00
I’m passing the offices of Hook, Lyon and Sinker and I for some reason stop. It’s like my feet are being controlled by, I don’t know, GPS or something?’Sat Sept 13 2014 - 01:00
‘I don’t write down anything Honor says for fear of it falling into the hands of a social worker’Sun Sept 07 2014 - 13:10
‘There are times when even my old man can’t hide his disappointment at how thick I am’Sat Aug 30 2014 - 01:00
‘Sometimes I have to tell you what you want to hear . . . I’m tempted to say that’s marriage’Sat Aug 23 2014 - 01:00
‘I’ll say in court I was a model boss, family man, never strayed once in my married life – blah, blah, blah’Sat Aug 16 2014 - 01:00
‘I’m letting her do all the heavy lifting today, just to prove I’m not a sexist pig’Sat Aug 02 2014 - 01:00
‘It’s not every day your son goes for a trial at Manchester United. I’m doing well hiding my disappointment’Sat Jul 19 2014 - 14:40
‘She’s not exactly a looker, but I still would, if you know what I mean. I’m heteroflexible – I’d roide anything’Tue Jul 15 2014 - 16:39
‘I need to find the biting point between what’s sexual harassment and what’s legitimate chatting-up’Sat Jul 05 2014 - 01:00
He says the words every south Dublin parent must dread: ‘I’ve been ast to go for a thrial at Maddenchester Unirit’Sat Jun 28 2014 - 01:00
‘I would walk a mile on my knees on broken glass just to drink a pint of her bathwater’Sat Jun 21 2014 - 01:00
‘I must be the only transition year student ever to fill in his work experience questionnaire at gunpoint’Sat Jun 14 2014 - 01:00
‘I’m convinced you could tackle the world’s birthrate problem by showing everyone in China a 60-second YouTube clip of Honor’Sat Jun 07 2014 - 01:00
‘Dad asked if I could be Bill Clinton to Sorcha’s Hillary. I suppose the obvious answer to that is, yes’Sat May 31 2014 - 01:00
