Ross O’Caroll Kelly: ‘The last time JP had his hand on a breast, it came out of a bucket with Colonel Sanders’ face on it’JP’s old man is sitting up in the bed. The dude looks horrendous. He’s as white as Oscars night and you’d find more meat on an eggbeaterSat Mar 26 2016 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I haven’t heard the word pronoun since I sat the Junior Cert’Claire and Garret’s friend Saul wants to be called ‘they’ – are they for real?Sat Mar 19 2016 - 01:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Are you the same guy who first called Mullingar the Gateway to Dublin?’If JP is crazy enough to think he can take the chest-bump out of selling houses, he’s crazy enough to do anythingSat Mar 12 2016 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I make sure to just say it in my mind. Because that’s being a good husband'“You’re too much of an idealist, Sorcha. You look at the world and you think, ‘How can I make it better?’ whereas real leaders look at the world and think, ‘How can I make it pay?’”Sat Mar 05 2016 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Chorles wants to turn Lambay Island into a prison for people who don’t pay their water bills’‘Sorcha reaches for the envelope in front of her. The colour runs out of my old man’s face. He’s from that generation of men who were once aroused by brown envelopes but now live in fear of them.’Sat Feb 27 2016 - 12:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘Look at Hillary. So much of her strength must come from having an amazing husband like Bill’"Once the election is over, the government is planning to come down hord on people who haven’t paid their water bills... I can’t believe you haven’t heard about Aquatraz.”Sat Feb 20 2016 - 01:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Keep your friends close. But make sure you have the means to destroy them’“Once Chorles discovered how highly the porty rated in the opinion polls, he didn’t want to discuss issues in case it alienated the people who were already committed to vote for us. That’s not politics to me, Chris – it’s morkeshing.”Sat Feb 13 2016 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘You run from Donegal with a bicycle on your back, cut your Achilles tendon..'This is getting ridiculous, it's like being on a spa weekend with Sorcha'Sat Feb 06 2016 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: 'He smiles with the same smile he uses when choosing his lobster in Cavistons'“I come from a generation in which, at the end of a meal, the men would repair to the next room with their Romeo y Juliettas to discuss the great issues of the day”Sat Jan 30 2016 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘She’s being re-christened? Okay, is that an actual thing?’ ‘It is if your name is Isis’The poor girl can’t even give her name in Storbucks without having to apologise and launch into this whole spiel about ancient Egyptian religion.Sat Jan 23 2016 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘These apartments will be so small, there won’t be room for two people to break wind’It’s awards time . . . and Ross is first in lineSat Jan 16 2016 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘These are going to be our Family Date Nights’Sorcha’s New Year’s resolution is to get rid of the wifi and the TV and force us to actually talk to each otherSat Jan 09 2016 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s New Year’s resolution is to throw out the telly‘I wouldn’t be one of history’s great thinkers. And, Honor, you don’t have a lot to say either, do you?’Sat Jan 02 2016 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘She throws her orms around me and I’m crying’Our eight-year-old Chinese exchange student Pang has taught me a lot: I’ll miss herThu Dec 24 2015 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I just don’t consider it a sport. It’s like watching CCTV footage of a fight in a fast food restaurant’I turn around and there’s some fat dude wearing a T-shirt with my son’s face on it. He’s there, “You must be veddy prouth.”And I go, “I’m not actually. I’d nearly rather he was in prison. At least there’s rules when people fight in there.”Sat Dec 19 2015 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I actually love women. If that makes me a feminist, then so be it.”Five minutes later, up comes the old dear’s face on the TV. Pang gets a bit of a fright. It’s a 64-inch screen, in fairness to the girl. “Whoa!” she goes. “The woman has a face like a war zone.”Sat Dec 12 2015 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: “You look like something Dr Marie Cassidy should be going at with rubber gloves and a bone saw”The old dear puts on her reading glasses and scrunches up her face. She’s there, “Are you absolutely sure it’s not Honor, Ross, because she certainly sounds like her. Oh, look, you’re right – a little Chinese girl!”Sat Dec 05 2015 - 01:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Christmas is a time of year when, er… you get loads of stuffYou can’t have Christmas without Jesus. He was the one who storted the whole thingSat Nov 28 2015 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I’m the porty spokesperson on Gender Issues’On balance, I’d say it’s a pretty bad day for the human race when I’m the least sexist person at the tableSat Nov 21 2015 - 05:45
“Ross, we need to take Pang to the Beacon – right now!”‘So basically, we cook for her and we bring her to Dundrum Shopping Centre three times a week for light, exercise and mental stimulation. The rest of the time is basically her own. It’s called parenting’Sat Nov 14 2015 - 05:00
'My son’s nickname is Manslaughter. I won’t be mentioning that at Castlerock'‘Dude, I can’t believe that what’s about to happen here is actually legal. It’s basically a bor fight, al fresco’Sat Nov 07 2015 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Women are very important to New Republic, Sorcha”“God, I love Miriam Lord! Sometimes something will happen and I’ll be thinking, ‘Oh, dear, what’s our friend going to make of this tomorrow morning? It’ll be something bloody well priceless”Sat Oct 31 2015 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Ireland won alright. Which means we’re into the semi-finals of the World Cup!”Sorcha isn’t a big believer in lying to children. She says it shatters their faith in adult authority figures. But I’ve always seen it as a very healthy thingSat Oct 24 2015 - 01:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: “A lot of children are just born that way – they’re d**kheads.”Ross needs a new car - it's time to take a trip to see his old manSat Oct 17 2015 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m there, “Pang, give me those cigarettes.” She goes, “Get away from me, you racist!”’Honor’s exchange student says children smoking is part of her cultureSat Oct 10 2015 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll Kelly: When the Tracksuits and Sheepskins collideI don’t think Hennessy was overstating it when he said this was ‘a clash of civilisations’Fri Oct 09 2015 - 18:16
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Conor McGregor has a lot to answer for. Not that I’d say that to his face’To talk Ronan out of mixed mortial orts, I’m going to have to speak his languageSat Oct 03 2015 - 05:27
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘If you bought a gaff in Tenerife, they'd say they bought one in Elevenerife’Honor’s Chinese exchange has a conniption fit in the Villeroy & Boch section of Brown ThomasSat Sept 26 2015 - 05:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I should report you – underfloor heating is a human right’Ability to fake sincerity in any situation is best thing about a south Dublin convent educationSat Sept 19 2015 - 05:45
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I already feel sorry for Honor’s host family in China’‘The birth of my children was the best non-rugby-related thing that ever happened to me. But my daughter moving to the other side of the world for 12 weeks is right up there’Sat Sept 12 2015 - 05:45
RWC 15: Ross O’Carroll Kelly - my life in World CupsThere’s a photo of my old man with Hamilton, who is clearly thinking, ‘Who’s this knob?’Thu Sept 10 2015 - 07:00
Ross does EP (part two): ‘Our daughter . . . is missing . . . at Electric Picnic’We run into the Mindfield area and over to where a humongous crowd is trying to squeeze itself into the tent . . .Mon Sept 07 2015 - 15:49
Ross goes to Electric Picnic: 'I’m not staying in a focking tent'“It’s not camping,” Sorcha tries to go. “It’s what they call glamping!” Honor whips out her phone. “I’m staying in Castle Durrow,” she goes. “It’s what they call five-stor hoteling.”Fri Sept 04 2015 - 12:15
‘People are chanting, “CO’CK for Taoiseach! CO’CK for Taoiseach!” over and over again’Sat Aug 29 2015 - 01:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why don’t you just tell Denis O’Brien’s solicitor that you’ll stop having Denis O’Brien Hair?’“Make it a good letter,” the old man goes. “One of your specials. Lots of forthwiths and hereafters and whatnots. That should wipe the bloody well smile off his face.”Sat Aug 15 2015 - 08:00
‘Whatever you think about two men kicking the humanity out of each other in a cage. . . at least it’s not soccer’Sat Aug 08 2015 - 01:00
Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘I've got to stop thinking about my old man as just an ATM''He’s actually more than that – although I probably will ask him for a couple of grand while I have him.'Sat Aug 01 2015 - 01:00
‘We’ve learned our lesson from the Celtic Tiger. Next time it turns to shit, the next boom is only seven years away’Sat Jul 25 2015 - 05:00
‘Mixed mortial orts? For the first time in my life, I suddenly feel like I’ve failed as a father’Sat Jul 18 2015 - 01:00
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You know that smell. You’ve been to Cavistons with your mother’... ‘Yeah, but a whole town that smells like Cavistons? Er, no thanks!’Sat Jul 11 2015 - 05:40
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’ve genuinely never seen Sorcha so angry . . .. . . for something other than sleeping with her friends'Sat Jul 04 2015 - 08:25
‘When you’re as rich as we are, you can believe in all sorts of rubbish. That’s why we’re all off gluten’Thu Jul 02 2015 - 11:22
‘Mary Lou McDonald talked like you, Sorcha, until Sinn Féin got their hands on her. Now she could sell bloody fireworks on Mary St’Thu Jul 02 2015 - 11:21
‘It’s hord to describe Manchester . . . Imagine if the Ilac Centre was an entire city and you’re about 90% of the way there’Thu Jul 02 2015 - 11:19
‘Why would I want to date you? I’m already married to you. Would that not be a bit, I don’t know, weird?’“I’d be very surprised if she looked well, Babes. I always thought the girl was bet-down. I hope that doesn’t come across as sexist.”Sat Jun 27 2015 - 00:00
Listen up: ‘My old man’s changed since he found that Denis O’Brien wig. Or everyone else has?’Sat Jun 20 2015 - 03:00
Listen up: ‘I suddenly feel like a man of substance, a man not to be trifled with’Sat Jun 13 2015 - 01:00
Listen up: ‘I watched “The Exorcist” thinking, why can’t we have a nice, normal daughter like that?’Fri Jun 12 2015 - 14:29
