Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’
Sorcha’s in tears and looking in the window – because the place is, I’m just going to come out and say it, gone
‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
Ross and Sorcha are off on holiday without the kids for a week
‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’
My three sons, who I had to pay to play – a grand each, seeing as you’re asking – are the worst players on the pitch
‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’
I’ve never been more chillaxed approaching a big game
‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’
Would the Rossmeister throw away a 30-year friendship over a `stupid’ rugby match? Just watch me
‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’
‘Giving my ticket to Twickenham to a woman from Bray – that’s preposterous. She wasn’t even watching the match’
‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m considered by some pretty great judges of the game to be the greatest Irish centre no one has ever heard of’
The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’
After a thrashing to Wesley College, Johnny – my own son – says, ‘I don’t think I want to play rugby any more’
‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’
The old man is out on a double-date with Claire’s old dear from Bray of all places, and my inheritance is flashing before my eyes
‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’
Joy Felton goes, ‘I hope you’re planning to move that thing?’ in her famous residents association voice
‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
‘He’s on Tinder. I think he might have gone out on one or two dates with Amie with an -ie’s mother as well’
‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’
Rhys Reddin is my outside-centre and possibly best player and I’m including my own kids in that
‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’
As Sorcha runs through her Christmas gift returns schedule – which she’s put me in charge of – I’m storting to hyperventilate
‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’
Christian goes ‘What are you doing?’ when he sees us out training on New Year’s Day. He’s obviously forgotten about my world-famous intensity
‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’
The Elf has been on a world tour; selfies in Paris with the Eiffel Tower, lying on Copacabana Beach in Rio