The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green.
Sorcha speaks for all of us when she goes, “Do you mean to say that you’re going to do the actual cooking yourselves?”
The old man’s like, “Well, of course! That’s the whole fun of the exercise!”
I’m there, “But you’ve never cooked anything in your entire life. Except the books when you were a so-called businessman.”
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer
The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
He goes, “Stuff and nonsense, Ross! I’ll have you know that I was something of a dab hand in the kitchen when I was in prison!”
Talk about lines you never thought you’d hear one of your parents say.
He’s there, “Young Ronan here’s father-in-law – the famous Kennet – was the head cook on our wing and I was his – inverted commas – first mate!”
Ronan goes, “Er, I doatunt think that phrase means what you think it means, Charlie.”
“Well,” the old man goes, “whatever you call it then! Shadden, I’m sure your father could tell you all about it! Although we didn’t have cuts of beef like this in the ironically nicknamed Joy!”
As he’s saying this, he’s beating a steak with a meat hammer, while Hennessy is standing by with the pepper and salt shakers.
I’m there, “Are you planning to do, like, the onion rings and everything?”
“Everything!” the old man goes. “Prepare to have your taste buds exalted tonight!”
Sorcha looks at me dubiously.
Ronan’s like, “Me uncle Anto, he’s a quadified chef. He’s not woorking at the moment. I could hab a woord wirrum. He’s run big kitchens befower.”
Except the old man is having none of it.
He’s there, “In prison, Kenneth and I cooked dinner for 80 prisoners every day! All fresh meat!”
“Again,” Ronan goes, “Ine not sure you ebber properly understood prison slang, Charlie.”
Sorcha’s there, “I think what Ronan is trying to say, Chorles, is that running a busy restaurant is, like, a specialist skill? And don’t forget, Shanahan’s on the Green has this amazing, amazing reputation.”
The old man goes, “Oh, ye of little faith! Now, Hennessy and I must insist that you leave this kitchen immediately and repair to the diningroom to await the feast! Come on, out you go – you too, Kicker!”
I’m there, “I, em, need to have a private word with you – about something?”
He’s like, “Oh? This is all rather intriguing, isn’t it, Hennessy?”
Sorcha, Ronan and Shadden slip out of the kitchen. The old man tosses a steak into the frying pan and goes, “So what’s with all the cloak and – quote-unquote – dagger, Kicker?”
I’m there, “I don’t want to say it in front of Hennessy!”
“Oh, what rubbish!” he goes. “If you’re in some kind of trouble, Hennessy is the one I’ll be asking to bail you out! He and I have no secrets from each other!”
I’m there, “Fine. The old dear said something to me. Just before Christmas. I went to see her in the nursing home.”
He’s like, “Oh?”
I’m there, “She said she has another kid out there somewhere.”
He goes, “What?” and I watch him steal a sneaky look at Hennessy.
I’m like, “You heard me. She said she had a baby – before she met you.”
He goes, “Ross, your mother isn’t a well woman! Her mind is addled!”
I’m there, “Well, she sounded pretty certain.”
He’s like, “She sounds pretty certain about a great many things, Kicker! I saw her this morning and she was absolutely convinced she was about to embork on a cruise of the Mediterranean.”
I’m there, “For your information, she seemed to be having one of her better days.”
He goes, “Sad and all as it is, Ross, your mother has dementia! You can’t go taking every little thing she says literally!”
I’m there, “What was that dude’s name? She was engaged to him before she met you.”
He looks at Hennessy again.
He’s there, “Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?”
I’m like, “Because I could have another brother or sister out there.”
He goes, “You’re not talking about the famous Conor Hession, are you?”
I’m there, “That was it. Conor Hession.”
He goes, “And you’re suggesting, what, that she had a son or daughter with this chap?”
“Well, is it possible?” I go.
He’s there, “Absolutely not!”
I’m like, “Why do you keep looking at him?”
He goes, “Who?”
I’m there, “Hennessy. Every time I ask you a question, you look at him before you answer.”
“Oh, that’s just force of habit!” he goes. “Kicker, trust me, there’s absolutely nothing in this! And there we shall leave the matter to rest!”
I’m there, “Dude, I’ll find out – if it’s true, I mean.”
He goes, “Oh, I’m sure you will, Ross – with your famous powers of deduction!”
I stare at him for a good 10 seconds, unable to figure out if he’s ripping the piss out of me or not.
All of a sudden, Ronan is standing at the kitchen door. He goes, “Is there sometin burdening?”
The old man’s like, “What?”
“Burdening,” Ronan goes.
The old man’s there, “What’s he trying to say, Ross?”
I’m like, “I’ve no idea. Sometimes it takes me a minute or two for the penny to drop.”
“Burdening,” Ronan goes. “I can smeddle sometin burdening.”
I suddenly cop what he’s saying – because I can smell it too. I turn around and I notice a cloud of thick, black smoke rising from the frying pan.
I’m like, “What the fock?” as I whip the thing off the hob.
Ronan stares at this blackened lump of meat in the pan and goes, “Did you put addy oil in the padden, Charlie?”
The old man goes, “Oil? Good Lord!”
I’m there, “Are you actually serious? You didn’t know that you need oil to cook a steak?”
He goes, “I’m wondering should you and I be more front-of-house, Hennessy? And maybe leave the actual business of cooking to someone who knows what they’re doing? Ronan, could you have a word with the famous Anto for us?”
