So it’s finally here, the day that I meet my brother slash half-brother, and Sorcha has gone into full Fussapalooza mode.
She goes, “And don’t keep bringing the conversation back to rugby.”
I’m there, “Hey, I’m capable of talking about more than just rugby, Sorcha.”
She’s like, “Ross, you literally took out your Leinster Schools Senior Cup medal when we sat down with the priest to talk about getting married.”
It’s finally here, the day that I meet my brother slash half-brother
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor
I’m there, “He asked me what did I have hanging around my neck. He thought it was, like, a cross of some sort.”
“I’m just making the point,” she goes, “that Brett might not want to talk about rugby.”
I’m there, “I wouldn’t blame him. The States didn’t even quality for the last World Cup. The first time it’s happened since 1995.”
She’s like, “See what I mean? You’re incapable of talking about anything else.”
This is us sitting in the cor – on the way to the airport, by the way?
I’m there, “So what else is there then?”
She’s like, “What, to talk about?”
“Yeah, no,” I go. “I’m asking that as someone who has zero interest in anyone who (a) doesn’t like rugby or (b) doesn’t want to sleep with me.”
She smiles and she whips out her phone, suddenly in her element.
She goes, “Oh my God, I wrote a huge piece on conversational etiquette for the Mount Anville Alumni Business Networking Alliance blog last year. It was based on research I did for the Mock Interviews we sat at school.”
I’m there, “Why do I suddenly feel like you were steering the conversation in this direction?”
If you could choose one superpower, what would it be? ‘In my case, I would say the ability to do a one-ormed push-up. Like Heaslip’
“Okay,” she goes, “here are some conversational ice breakers.”
I’m like, “Be quick, Sorcha,” because – yeah, no – I’m just about to take the exit for the airport.
She’s there, “What book are you currently reading, including audiobooks?”
I’m like, “That’s easy. Obsessed by Johnny Sexton – for, like, the third time.”
“I’m not asking you, Ross – this is what you’re going to ask Brett.”
“I’m going to morch up to a brother I didn’t even know existed until a few months ago and I’m going to ask him what book he’s currently reading?”
“Including audiobooks.”
“Doesn’t sound very me, Sorcha.”
“Well, it doesn’t have to be the first question you ask? There’s others here. Your dream dinner porty, for instance. Who’s at the table?”
“Campbell, Ward, O’Gara, Sexton, O’Driscoll, O’Connell, D’Arcy, the two Kearneys, Lowe, Cullen, Furlong, Cheika, O’Brien and Schmidt. Next?”
“Again, it’s a question that you’re going to ask him?”
“Well, I’ll have my answer ready if he goes, ‘And what about you, Ross?’”
“Okay, what’s the most memorable holiday slash vacation you’ve ever taken.”
“That’s a no-brainer in my case. The Rugby World Cup in Australia in 2003. Me and the goys in a camper van.”
“You wouldn’t have said our honeymoon, no?”
“Keep going, Sorcha. We’re at the airport roundabout already.”
“Here’s one – a fun one, if you feel like the conversation is becoming a bit too heavy. If you could choose one superpower, what would it be?”
“In my case, I would say the ability to do a one-ormed push-up. Like Heaslip. Did I say Heaslip when I was talking about my dream dinner porty?”
“Er, I don’t think so.”
“What the fock is wrong with me? You better put Heaslip down. He’d be very hurt if he found out I didn’t invite him. And Zebo! Put Zebo!”
“What was the last film you watched and what did you like slash dislike about it?”
“This dude is going to think I’m a weirdo.”
“Again, these questions are just for if the conversation storts sagging. What’s the most valuable piece of advice you’ve ever been given?”
“Something by Father Denis Fehily. I would have thought that was obvious.”
“But what, Ross?”
“They’re all written in my Rugby Tactics Book. We must never stop learning – because life never stops teaching.”
“I like that one.”
“Hord work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hord. I could rattle off 30 or 40 of these just off the top of my head.”
“Well, definitely don’t do that.”
“I only will if he asks me to.”
I pull into the short-term cor pork.
As we’re getting out of the cor, she goes, “Tell me something that’s on your Bucket List.”
I’m like, “Me? I was going to say lift the Webb Ellis trophy – except I did that when me, Christian and Oisinn got pissed and gatecrashed that HSBC corporate fun-day in Corlton House in 2015. Before I was famously wrestled to the ground by a bouncer.”
She goes, “I don’t think you should tell him any stories that end with you being wrestled to the ground by a bouncer. Not this early in the relationship.”
“It actually ended with me telling him that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara was going to take him to the focking cleaners,” I go, “even though the dude was perfectly within his rights to do what he did. If you pushed me for an answer on the Bucket List question, I would say kick a penalty from halfway at the Aviva. Although I did that as well, bear in mind – when it was still Lansdowne Road.”
[ Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreakOpens in new window ]
Ten minutes later, we’re standing there at the arrival gate.
“Okay, this is a random one,” Sorcha goes. “If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?”
And that’s when I suddenly spot the dude, walking through the electric doors, pushing a trolley with two suitcases on it. I recognise him from his photograph on LinkedIn and – yeah, no – the slight resemblance he bears to my old dear, except for the moustache and the thinning hair, neither of which he has.
I’m like, “Hey!” except he doesn’t say shit. He walks straight up to me and he just, like, throws his orms around me and we end up standing there for, like, 60 seconds – randomly, just holding each other. And that’s when I realise that I’m crying.
Behind me, I can hear Sorcha going, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!”
Eventually, I tap out and we end up just holding each other at, like, orm’s length, looking into each other’s eyes. We don’t need any of her Mount Anville Alumni Business Networking Alliance questions. It’s one of those times when words are totally unnecessary.
But because I’m not comfortable with silence, I end up going, “Did you happen to see Leinster make shit of the Glasgow Warriors?”
