Dear Roe,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half we’ve never had sex. He’s been really hurt from previous relationships and has completely shut down. In the beginning of our relationship we tried to have sex but he kept losing his erection and he completely gave up in the end, so nothing has happened since. Now, he won’t even let me see him naked, he doesn’t hug me unless I hug him first and when I kiss him on the lips he will only give me a quick kiss back and then wipes his mouth cos he says it’s wet. We get on great together and I really love him. I know he loves me back – he did actually admit it once but never ever does he say I love you! Please help as I’m at my wits end.
People can need time to recover from emotional trauma, and people experience sexual anxiety and/or difficulty, and these things are not necessarily a deterrent to having a healthy relationship. With a supportive partner, self-awareness, open communication and a desire to work through these issues, individuals can absolutely navigate through these challenging times – and even become closer to their partner while doing so.
From your description, your boyfriend has a supportive partner – and that’s it. Everything about this dynamic sounds one-sided, as you accommodate your partner’s issues, but he doesn’t seem to be trying to addressing these problems or taking your feelings into account, at all.
Now, I’m not unsympathetic to your boyfriend. Surviving emotional pain only to experience emotional and sexual insecurities in later relationships must be incredibly disheartening. And feeling uncomfortable with sexual or physical affection but being with a partner who wants those forms of connection must be very difficult.
I wonder about his experience of your attempts to kiss and hug him, and whether he’s just not good at initiating physical affection, or if he actually finds it somewhat traumatising and doesn’t want it at all.
Sex is not defined by the presence of an erection, and there are many forms of sexual activity and intimacy that you could be exploring together
This is an important question to ask him – he may be glad that you sometimes initiate hugging and kissing, or he may not. From your letter, he doesn’t express any form of enthusiastic consent, and so you should stop unless he clearly communicates that he wants you to touch him.
And as you’re asking him what makes him comfortable, I think you really need to ask yourself what makes you comfortable, and what makes you happy. Because you are clearly not getting the very basics of affection and communication from this relationship – and your boyfriend’s refusal to address his issues means that you may never get what you need from him.
His decision to “completely shut down” and “give up” regarding his emotional insecurities and your shared sex life is not tenable. By giving up and refusing to address or indeed work on these issues, he is completely setting the terms of your relationship and ignoring that this pattern of withholding isn’t working for you, emotionally or sexually.
Sex is not defined by the presence of an erection, and there are many forms of sexual activity and intimacy that you could be exploring together – or many ways that he could choose to focus on your sexual pleasure. Refusing to even attempt to create a sense of shared sexuality and intimacy isn’t a symptom of his problems maintaining an erection, it’s a symptom of a lack of effort to connect with you.
This lack of desire or effort is also clear in the disconnect you and your boyfriend have around communicating love and affection. It’s clear that – like most people – being physically and verbally affectionate is important to you, and has probably become even more so given the absence of sex in your relationship.
I know you love him, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Look after yourself
However, his refusal to express his affection – in any way, apparently – is completely ignoring your needs. The giant, neon flashing red flag in your letter is the sentence “I know he loves me back – he did admit it once.” No-one should have to be forced to “admit” that they love you. Nor should you be struggling to see this love in action.
If you’re determined to stay in this relationship, I suggest having a very honest conversation where you express how you are feeling neglected and rejected. Ask your boyfriend what steps he’s willing to take to deal with his issues, which should include visiting a therapist to help him overcome his emotional difficulties, and a GP to explore if his erectile issues are purely psychological or if there could be another underlying reason. If he refuses to take any steps towards improving his mental, emotional and sexual health, you may need to step back from this relationship.
You have a partner who apparently does not and perhaps can not care about your needs. He will not be able to be a loving and considerate partner until he starts loving and taking care of himself. His emotional trauma and erectile issues are not his fault – but tackling them and trying to be a good partner is his responsibility. He has never shown a desire to do so.
I know you love him, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. Look after yourself – and that means allowing yourself to leave a draining and unhealthy relationship if you need to. It may even be the change your boyfriend needs to realise that he needs to take some action. Good luck to you both.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe
