Dear Roe, My boyfriend of nearly 7 years is on a “sex strike” (for a second time) and I’m embarrassed and frustrated. We had been going through a dry patch and following his disappointment and annoyance at me not being sexually adventurous, he called his first strike. The resolution was a “list”, which I had to write, detailing things that I am willing to do sexually and things that I may be willing to do. This list for me meant boundaries but it meant something else for him, I think, and relations have broken down again.
We did a list, but it is hard to put some of the ideas into practice in real life.
He feels frustrated that things didn't improve after the list, which I understand. He wants "concrete proposals" to call-off the new strike, but I have no idea what that means.
I feel lost and confused. He said this is how he felt when the sex list wasn’t adhered to and the ball is firmly in my court. I just want us both to be happy and satisfied.
Let me get this straight. One party wants this relationship to change in very particular ways that are beneficial to them, but is demanding that the other party do all the organising, logistical planning including “concrete proposals”, and enacting; and when that doesn’t happen, the first party is throwing tantrums, blaming the other person for damaging their relationship, and is thus instituting “strikes” that ensure that everyone is left equally miserable, while still managing to play the victim.
Is your relationship . . . Brexit?
Seriously though, I'm slightly alarmed that your reaction to your boyfriend's behaviour is to be "lost and confused" and not "outraged and furious". You seem to be accepting all the blame he has thrown at you and have internalised the idea that because you haven't been his version of "sexually adventurous", you are to blame for the problems in your relationship.
You’re not.
You should not be sexually adventurous with someone who tries to sulk and bully and coerce you into being sexually adventurous. You should not be sexual with someone who withholds and doles out sex in order to make you fall in line with their demands. You should not be with someone who doesn’t recognise this and rectify their behaviour immediately.
In theory, creating a bucket list of sexually adventurous things you want to do with your partner is actually a great idea. When both people are participating enthusiastically, respectfully and thoughtfully, it’s a great way to open up a conversation about turn-ons, boundaries, fantasies, and – importantly – communication.
Being sexual – in ways both adventurous and vanilla – means being vulnerable with someone, trusting them with your body and your emotions
However, your boyfriend did not approach the list in that spirit. He, from what I can gather, didn’t even participate, making it less like a conversation and more like a one-sided contract. He demanded that you list everything you would theoretically want to do, and then threw a tantrum when you didn’t immediately do everything on it. This is all without, seemingly, him putting in any effort to listen to your emotions and needs, or taking steps to make any of the bucket list items a reality himself. His complaint that the list wasn’t “adhered to” is frankly all I need to know about his attitude towards it, and you.
Of course you didn’t do anything from your list with him. Being sexual – in ways both adventurous and vanilla – means being vulnerable with someone, trusting them with your body and your emotions. And you cannot trust someone who is immature, demanding, bullying and coercive. He is being all of the above. It’s also impossible to feel sexy, secure and safe when you are being (unfairly) burdened with the sole responsibility of improving your sex life – when the definition of “improvement” has solely been set by the other person.
Your boyfriend engineered a situation where he demanded to know the most extreme sexual acts you would theoretically enjoy – so the acts where you would most need to feel safe and respected and where communication would be paramount – and then demanded you fulfil them at a time where safety, respect and communication in your relationship was at an all-time low. No one would want to have any kind of sex under those conditions. No one should have any kind of sex under those conditions.
The fact that you two were already in a sexual dry spell is important, and I’m wondering if that was fuelled by all of the issues that this situation is pointing to: the lack of equality, trust, shared communication and mutual respect. And if you’re determined to stay in this relationship, you need to forget about sex and start there: the basics. You and your boyfriend both need to learn how to prioritise you and your feelings and emotions, because your current dynamic is all about him, and it’s not healthy.
If your boyfriend’s view of communication is so warped that he thinks that his actions have been productive, couples’ counselling might be a good idea to make sure that he’s not dominating conversations and can learn what shared, respectful communication looks like.
But honestly – and I never thought I’d write this is in the same column as the word “Brexit” – the best option might be to Leave.
