Question
I’m really starting to dislike my husband. We are nearly a decade married and have small children. We have always got on so well – similar sense of humour, seeing the lighter side of life, and our values used to align in terms of raising our children.
I know he’s very unhappy in his job and I have been encouraging him to leave, but he presents with an attitude of, “why should I”. He has become so negative that I am completely drained. He’s bitter and resentful. What is really troubling me and causing me to dislike him is that he has become extremely interested in and angry about immigration/emigration issues. He is constantly sending me videos from dubious sites with the most negative accounts of asylum seekers, many of which I’m sure are fake. He is subscribing to all sorts of conspiracy theories around matters not being reported in the media and the dangers of people seeking international protection.
He also is harbouring all this stuff about male roles and that I emasculated him by not taking a married name. This has never come up before now. We travelled extensively in our 20s, we lived and worked abroad (sometimes illegally). We weren’t fleeing war, we were travelling and improving economic circumstances. He has always loved meeting people of different cultures and travelling.
I don’t agree with his new views on matters, I feel quite strongly about helping others when they need it and being compassionate. He used to feel the same. I know this is a massive topic at present, I just don’t want this topic in my home where I raise my kids. I used to debate with him on this and I’ve given up because I was becoming upset. I have asked him not to bring up his views with me or the children and he has kept to this with the exception of online and when we have company. He enjoys nothing more than sparking a debate when friends and family are over. It is mortifying. A number of my friends have stopped visiting because they find the debates awkward. I should be ashamed to admit, but I’m not that I have blocked my husband off all of my social media because he kept tagging me in ridiculously fake discriminatory tripe.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I am exasperated and I dread spending time with him. I married a gorgeous, funny, kind, adventurous man and over the past two years he has developed into something else. I love him so much and keep drumming into myself that he’s not himself and [is] feeling resentful because he’s unhappy at work. I’m exhausted, I don’t want my children exposed to such views and, honestly, I’m ready to walk out.
How do I get through to him? I can live with agreeing to disagree, I can’t cope with the goading and, to be frank, I find his online presence an embarrassment.
Where is my lovely man gone?
Answer
Your husband is unhappy at work and perhaps his confidence and self worth has suffered as a result. He seems to be finding support and meaning in groups that are blaming others for all the ills of the world and this points to his need for validation and purpose.
We all need this and perhaps he feels very let down by what he believed would provide structure in his life, namely his career. However, it is very hard to live with someone who has very opposite views to you on fundamental issues and two years is a long time for patterns and habits to form and become solid.
Can you ask him to come to couple counselling with you?
He probably agrees with you that your relationship needs attention and you could offer him the option of choosing the therapist you might see (only chose from accredited sites such as the Irish Council for Psychotherapy, the Psychological Society of Ireland or the Irish Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy). He may refuse and, if so, you know that your relationship is in serious trouble.
Your resentment will fuel his protective mechanisms, which at the moment are to identify even more with reactive groups and this will create an even bigger rift in your relationship. Seeking support from your wider system is another option to consider. Could you speak to his family or old friendship group and see if there is anyone he might have respect for and listen to? You may also be able to appeal to his parenting role, ask him how his parents influenced him and which parts he wants to implement in his own parenting. If you are taking this route (of talking), you will need to take all the accusation and bewilderment out of your voice, so that he is not triggered into defensiveness. This is extremely hard to do so you might need your own support system (individual counselling, friends, relatives) to back you up in this endeavour.
You have a long history of connection, love and adventure in this relationship and you might invoke these memories as a stable backdrop to your future together. You might talk about how to source career advice for your husband to see a bigger picture in terms of his career, and this might shift the focus of his attention. If he sees you are genuine in your interest in, and your support for, his future he may be more open to hearing what your concerns are.
However, there may also come a time when nothing can be salvaged and you need to separate. If it comes to this, try to use a mediation service to help you through what is a very difficult process (see Citizens Information for more on these services).
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