Question
My family are fairly typical in that there are three of us and we have been pretty close over the past few years, particularly since our dad died. We support each other and are very conscious of making life good for our mum who struggled a bit after dad’s death.
The grief brought us together and I think we have an understanding of what we mean to each other, even if we don’t say it. Maybe in another very Irish way, we don’t speak about everything openly and things are mostly discussed in a jokey manner. However, me and my sister (we are twins) have a closer relationship and we can talk openly about most things.
The difficulty is our sister-in-law. My brother got married soon after dad died, even though he had not been dating the girl for very long, I think it might have been, partially, a reaction to the grief. However, my sister-in-law is almost rude to us and is certainly ungenerous in all her dealings with us.
They have a baby so it looks like this relationship will not end, but it is putting the rest of us off organising big get-togethers. My sister-in-law will never organise or contribute to any family events, she won’t offer to help in any way and he won’t contribute to family gifts (eg for weekends away for my mum). She seems very standoffish and a bit dismissive of our family’s desire to get together regularly and I think that now my brother is taking her side.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
The fact that my sister-in-law comes from a different culture may be a factor, but she has been in Ireland for more than eight years, so I’m not sure that is an excuse. I’m worried about losing my brother as part of our family, but I’m also upset at the lack of manners of my sister-in-law.
I wish that we could all speak openly about this, but I’d be really worried that this would cause an even bigger rift.
Answer
There are two problems raised in your letter: not speaking about things in your family and the behaviour of your sister-in-law. Not speaking has consequences (particularly for your different culture sister-in-law) and someone needs to break this pattern so that things in the family can be dealt with in a timely and open manner. You and your twin have clearly managed to have a close and honest relationship so you two are in the best position to address this.
Changing the habit of not speaking is a huge thing to do and needs to begin lightly and proceed in stages. For example, you might begin by saying that your family has a tradition of not speaking your minds and inquire what effect this has on everyone. You might then ask if you want this to continue to the next generation. This should get everyone thinking and pave the way for more honest discussions.
The reason you want to challenge this situation is that you do not want to cut your brother off, but you are in danger of doing this if something does not change as a slow estrangement is currently under way. Who is your brother likely to listen to? Can that person be recruited to speak to him? Or can you invite family over to something (like a barbeque) and take any opportunity to inquire about how the family can be adaptable and flexible in times of change. When we feel that our closeness is under threat, the tendency is to hold on tight and protect the group from outside influence but of course in your case, the external person has already arrived, and is no doubt, feeling excluded.
Your say your sister-in-law comes from a different culture so perhaps it is worth discovering more about this. You could ask her how family events happened in her family and country and this might give you a better understanding of her and of how families thrive in her culture.
She may feel very left out of your family and her reaction to this could be to distance herself from you all. Your brother may feel torn between his wife and his family of origin and some sensitivity is needed here. Another possibility is that you put your brother and his wife in charge of organising the next family event and they can decide who should bring what, and who should buy gifts for who – this might help them see that fairness is a very important part of all relationships.
In the end, it is very important that you do not become bitter yourself and acceptance is a good way to free yourself from this. Accept your sister-in-law as part of your family and try to manage the criticism you feel – it will only have the effect of dividing up the family.
We all want to be accepted for who we are, when this happens we might be open to change so work your own attitude first and then see what opportunities arise for connection.
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