Q: I have always been a good friend to everyone I’m close to. I am now in my 70s and I know how important friends are.
However, sometimes I find that, over the years, some friends have more need of me than I have of them, even though I love them. I have been happily married over 50 years, have a lovely family and engage with lots of people through shared interests.
I like to “be there” for friends and extended family, but I often find that this draws a neediness and desire to have too big a piece of me.
I feel guilty about this.
A: It is interesting that friendship continues to play an important role well into our later stages of life and also that we really don’t have it sorted, even though we’ve spent years thinking about and engaging with friendships.
What your letter highlights is how rich and full your life is and how you are seen as a source of support and wisdom to all those around you. However, it may be time to pull back from active involvement in the supporting role you have occupied so successfully and instead focus on what makes you feel good and vibrant.
You say you feel guilty and that is understandable as your care and concern for others has a long history of involvement and your conscience is prickling. However, if you were to give advice to a friend presenting you with the same problem, no doubt you would say that it is time to reap the benefits of a life well lived and push them to focus on joy and pleasure. Not only would this be good advice but it sets up a great example to others: that self-care, enjoyment and fun can be the attributes of later life and we need to see people enjoying these to the full.
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It is important to set boundaries with friends and family and this will involve you communicating this with clarity. Instead of fudging the response, tell those around you that you are somewhat giving up the role of support person and that you are delegating this to other friends who can take their turn as the person to consult. Not only will this be good for you, but others will get the benefits from helping others and grow in confidence and in kindness.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
You can ask for your friends to support you in this mission; they can help you brainstorm potential pitfalls and get you to practice your responses – in this way they will be on your side in helping you to make changes in your life.
Of course, this does not mean that you never support another person ever again, but we know that if we ourselves are well resourced, relaxed and energetic, then we are much better able to assess a situation and offer the right kind of support. What will resource you is spending lots of time doing activities that you enjoy, engaging with those you love and giving time to stimulating activities.
There is something very liberating about the idea of being free from responsibilities and while this can never be completely the case, there is some truth in arguing that after a lifetime of contributing, you earn the right to let go. Our minds will not easily give up the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” so you might need to learn how to calm it down so that your intelligence can lead you in the right direction.
Mind-calming activities such as yoga, meditation and mindfulness are all well proven to be effective in this regard and have the added advantage of preparing you for life’s unexpected turns and twists. You and your family may well be in a situation in the future where friendship becomes an important resource, so you might consider quality over quantity right now. That is so that when you do meet friends the conversations are meaningful and genuine rather than superficial.
If you find yourself saying to someone “it would be lovely to get together”, then make sure that in your heart you mean it and that your attitude is authentic. Your friends will glow from this type of engagement and will not miss the less impactful check-ins.
You clearly value friendship but need to change the focus to one of mutual understanding and honesty. This is not a selfish act, but one of maturity and insight.
As always, self-development is never a done deal and instigating this change will stretch you as you challenge a lifetime of feeling guilty for putting yourself first.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
