Question
I have been married for 18 years and feel I am at my wits end. Six years ago, my husband had an emotional (no sex) affair with a woman in his workplace.
My husband tells me that I have never been emotional, and he felt lonely and uncared for all the time we were together. He did not have a sexual affair (as far as I know) but he was very close to the other woman, and they met and talked intimately over at a period of at least a year. The whole incident came out (I heard from my cousin who is employed in the same workplace).
We live in a small community, and everybody knows and felt they had something to say about it. We had it out and decided to stay together – however, we are constantly fighting and arguing and both of us are exhausted. He left that company, and I believe (sort of) that he is no longer in contact with the other woman.
I know I am putting intimacy demands on my husband and he says he feels as if he is being punished. I feel that I need proof that he is attracted to me, but what I think is happening is that he is uninterested but gives in to get peace.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I am exhausted and frustrated, and my husband is emotionally distant and uncommunicative – all this while he was the very opposite (close and cuddly) with his ex-colleague.
I don’t know how much more I can take of this.
Answer
Strangely, it seems that your husband has become what he once accused you of – emotionally distant and uncommunicative, and you are suffering from this. It seems that both of you want the opposite: closeness and connection, but your patterns of being together are blocking this from happening.
What is interesting is that, in spite of everything, you are both invested in each other. You chose to stay together after a huge rift and instead of becoming distant, you are battling it out together, even if this is in a negative manner. In other words, you haven’t become bored and uncaring but you are channelling all your attention into having it out with each other, and it is not working. You say you perceive your intimacy as a test of attraction on your side, and as punishment on your husband’s side, so this does not act as a source of pleasure or solace for either of you.
[ ‘I think my brother might be controlling his wife and daughter’Opens in new window ]
Perhaps you could both be brave and ask for what you want: to be vulnerable in the care of the other, to trust the other person to put you first and to take the risk of rejection. Nothing else will satisfy either of you but it seems that both of you are waiting for some indication from the other person before you can fully step into trusting this relationship.
You are the person writing for advice, so it is up to you to lead the way. This is really difficult as an emotional affair has all the effects of a sexual betrayal: hurt, rejection, anger, fear and vigilance. If you are to change your relationship with your husband, then you will need to look to yourself for the starting point.
First, settle something in yourself; that you are fully committed to this relationship and that you are going to be unwavering in your position. Then you can communicate this by declaring that you are not leaving and that you are going to work for this relationship by asking for your partner’s thoughts on how the relationship can thrive. This is not giving in or fatalism but offers the full force of your faith in you as a couple.
Furthermore, it allows a lot of leeway for discussion and challenge. It seems you are forcing physical intimacy as a way of keeping tabs on your husband, but instead of this being a balm in the midst of a difficult time it is not a source of pleasure for either of you. Start again, agree no sex until both of you feel it is about mutual enjoyment and then focus on the well-trodden path of wooing: paying attention, dancing, dating, leaving gifts and being curious about each other. You may feel a little silly as you know each other well, but you owe it to each other to be tentative, kind and gentle.
The affair did not split you up, so somehow both of you chose each other, even in the intense focus of a community’s gaze and this is something that you can use now to good effect. If you find it too difficult to shift your patterns, take your courage in your hands and go and see a couples therapist together and be open to asking for help and taking direction.
It only takes one person to change their approach and behaviour to shift the stalemate and right now, you are that person.
- See familytherapyireland.com for fully accredited and registered couple therapists
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
