Question
My boyfriend and I have been going out for eight years and for the most part it has been good and enjoyable. However, I feel that I have just woken up to a huge problem and I am not sure who to be angry at (myself included).
Soon after we met, my partner’s dad died and, as he was an only child, he was very good in supporting his mum. He would visit her almost every weekend and check in with her on the phone every second day or so. She was very lukewarm with me in those early days, and I understood this to be part of her grief and her sense that I was taking her son’s attention away from her.
I was considerate (I think) and kind and to this day I always support the connection between the two of them. Our relationship has only progressed to living together and I now (in retrospect) put this down to my partner’s grief and loss, but also to his mother’s constant need for attention.
I got a big promotion at work last year, and we decided to do a big holiday and as I’ve always wanted to go to the Caribbean, this is what we have booked – the plan was for three glorious weeks. When my partner’s mother heard about it, she talked so much about how it would be lovely for us and not to worry about her being alone and how she had always wanted to have an exotic holiday, that we eventually invited her to come with us. This was almost the last straw for me but it just got worse – my partner has just told me that his mum is planning for him to stay on with her at the resort (she’ll pay) for an extra two weeks after I go back to work.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
He thinks this is a great idea and is delighted with everything. I am furious and feel that I have been walking around blind to the fact that my partner in life is actually married to his mother and has no intention of separating from her so that we can have a life of our own.
I haven’t been able to talk to him since and feel that this holiday could be a very expensive disaster.
Answer
You feel that your partner has chosen his mother over you, and it is completely understandable that you find this intolerable, in that one of the central aspects of a romantic relationship is that we feel we are number one in our partner’s considerations.
However, your partner may not feel that this is the case at all, and he might struggle to understand why you are so upset when he is merely continuing with a pattern of behaviour that is long established. There is no doubt that an issue has been uncovered that needs urgent attention, but this may take time and commitment and it may not be resolved before the holiday. The holiday is something you have invested in, and it is important that you enjoy it and so some steps need to be in place so that this can happen.
If you are angry and resentful, you will be guaranteed misery, and so you must have a conversation with your partner and gain agreement to a plan of action regarding your relationship. Can you both agree to book in sessions for couple counselling when you return? This would demonstrate a seriousness and a level of commitment to the relationship. If your partner agrees, you can both write down issues as they arise and know that they will be given all the attention they need on your return. Your fury probably stems from the idea that you have been duped, but this may not be the case.
Your partner has shown he has a strong sense of duty and loyalty, and these may well be qualities you enjoy being on the receiving end of. That your relationship has not moved into the marriage area may need to be looked at, but you must also look at your part in what you now see as stagnation.
Your partner is an only child and so he will always have a close relationship with his mother. Can you support him in this, and what boundaries do you need to insist on?
What is your relationship like with his mother, and can you have a standalone relationship with her?
Her insistence on involving herself in the once-in-a-lifetime holiday may mean many things, and if you want to know the truth of it, you will have to create the possibility of her trusting you. A starting point might be for you to offer some honesty around your feelings of abandonment, and this might allow her to reciprocate with some fears of her own. Eight years is a long time to be in a relationship, and you might trust yourself that you did not invest in this in error, and that there is a need for engagement and investigation before assuming deceit.
Speak to your partner, get a session booked with a couples therapist and take any opportunity to be real with your partner’s mother. You have agreed to your partner’s mum going on the holiday, so accept this fully and plan for enjoyment for everyone with some couple space built in.
See familytherapyireland.com for accredited couple therapists
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