Question
I feel very angry and compromised by a situation and I’m afraid that if I take action, it could have far-reaching consequences. My grandmother lives in the country and is now needing help but she is still at home. She is slowing down and her mind is definitely not as sharp as it used to be and I think she is being manipulated by a cousin who has turned up from abroad.
None of us grandchildren lives in my grandparents’ hometown and so we have been organising care for her from afar, but most of us (four grandchildren in Ireland) have a type of rota where we visit once a month. Our parents visit more often and so there is a fair level of care.
However, about a month ago, a cousin from abroad came and moved in with my grandmother and is now dictating everything. Her dad, my uncle, has not been home in 30 years and shows no sign of it now. My cousin has no job so is there all the time and I know my grandmother is giving her money and I’m worried that it is actually more than that, I think she may be manipulating my grandmother into putting her into her will so that she can stay in Ireland.
I’ve spoken to my parents about this, but they are weirdly grateful that there is someone living with my grandmother and they do not see what is happening in front of their eyes. Last week, my cousin was wearing a new expensive jumper and I know she does not have the money to pay for that and she is speaking of getting a new kitchen fitted in the house. I feel outraged and amazed that more people can’t see through my cousin’s plan to be the primary recipient of my grandmother’s money. I used to stay overnight on my weekend rota, but now I can’t sleep when I’m there knowing that charlatan is in the room next door.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Pretending to be nice to her in front of my grandmother is also proving to be a huge strain and my friends are all telling me to let it go, but it feels impossible.
Answer
The very positive thing going on here is that your grandmother has such lovely contact with her grandchildren and this must give her so much pleasure. However, if you are now turning up full of anger and resentment, this is not good for either her or you.
You say your grandmother is slowing down mentally, but that she still has the ability to make decisions and this must be fully respected. You are assuming that she is being manipulated but she has a right to decide who lives with her and what she wants to do with her money or her house. I wonder if you have spoken to your grandmother about your concerns, or indeed just asked how she is getting on with your cousin. You can let her know that if she is ever concerned, she can talk confidentially to her GP, public health nurse or local Garda. Citizens’ information has very good listings of what to do in cases of elder abuse and the Health Service Executive has specially trained social workers across the county who can make assessments and interventions where necessary.
However, your parents or other people are not raising the same concern flags that you are and this is worth considering when thinking of taking action. Clearly, your grandmother is much loved so there are a lot of people who have eyes on the situation and none of them agree with you. It seems that your sense of justice and fairness is at play and I wonder if you are also feeling a little rejected by your cousin’s closeness with your grandmother.
You may also be feeling a sense of trepidation as your grandmother declines and you have a sense of impending loss. Some of us demonstrate distress through a lens of anger and if this makes any sense to you, then it is worth investigating. We know that anger hugely affects the bearer, and it is often based on the idea that events are not going the way we want, or that people are not behaving the way we want. If you try accepting what is happening, rather than focusing on what you think should be happening, then you will get some release from the emotions of righteousness and resentment.
Your grandmother would benefit hugely from you having a decent relationship with your cousin, and your gift to her could be your effort to get to know your cousin and to work with her to provide the best care you can for your grandmother while she can appreciate life. Try full acceptance and allow your grandmother the right to make her own decisions, while she can. The more involved you and the extended family are in your grandmother’s life, the safer she will be, so be open to the idea that more is better.
Allow yourself some self-compassion for the sense of future loss you are experiencing and focus on the sadness rather than on the anger which may be masking it.
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