Traditional new year’s health resolutions can feel punishing: eat better, drink less, hit the gym. Worthy goals ... but also, kind of a drag.
The good news? Relationships have a big effect on health and happiness, too. So in 2025, why not focus on a different wellness goal: give your romantic life a little TLC.
We asked couples counsellors, sex therapists and relationship researchers a simple question: what is one resolution you recommend for couples looking to experience greater connection and intimacy in the coming year?
1. Cultivate curiosity
Approaching your partner with a sense of curiosity can help you learn new things about who they are – and open up conversations you’ve never had before – even if you’ve been together for years, says Justin Garcia, executive director at the Kinsey Institute, the sexuality and relationships research centre at Indiana University in the US.
“Curiosity is a powerful, powerful tonic – that we should all invest in more,” Garcia says. It sends an irresistible message: I am interested in you.
One simple way to foster a more curious mindset within your relationship is to ask your partner something new every week or so, he suggests.
The question could be a deep and revealing one about their past or an intimate fantasy. Or it might be something totally mundane: Garcia’s wife recently asked why he dislikes mushrooms, which led to a conversation about his childhood. Afterward, they tried cooking new recipes together, and he discovered he actually likes morels.
Your partner may not reciprocate your curiosity at first, but try not to keep score (which is another good relationship resolution), Garcia says.
2. Make bids for connection
A bid for connection – a term coined by marriage researchers Jon and Julie Gottman – is basically anything a person does to try to engage with their partner, explains Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has trained in the Gottman method.
Bids tend to fall into a few different categories, she says: the obvious “play with me, spend time with me”-type bids (like when a partner asks to cuddle). There are also “information-sharing bids” (maybe your partner mentions an interesting article or warns you there is traffic before you commute to work). And then there are requests for help or comfort.
“Crying is even a bid if you do it in front of somebody,” Earnshaw says.
In the healthiest relationships, partners make and acknowledge each other’s bids often, Earnshaw explains.
Your goal for the new year? Reach out to your partner more often than you did in 2024, or respond to your partner’s bids for connection more positively than you did last year, she recommends.
And what if your bids are constantly ignored or rejected? “You take this information from your partner, and decide what to do with it,” Earnshaw says.
3. Be selfish in the bedroom
Yes, really.
“What’s in it for you?” Lori Brotto often asks clients with sex and intimacy issues at her counselling practice. Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia, likes to dig in: what do you get out of being intimate, or what would you like to get? Do you want sex to feel fun? Relaxing? What emotions or physical sensations might you enjoy? she asks clients.
In Brotto’s experience, people can get too caught up in what they think they should (or should not) want in bed, based on societal messages or because they are overly focused on their partner. That makes it challenging to show up in an “authentic way” during intimacy.
You can’t communicate your desires and needs if you haven’t spent any time understanding what they are, Brotto says. So go ahead: “Be a little bit more selfish.”
4. Let go of the idea that there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to have sex
“There is no ‘normal’ sex,” says Lexx Brown-James, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors and Therapists. Brown-James likes to compare sex to pizza: you get to decide the toppings. You get to decide how many slices you want. For instance, “foreplay can be sex”, she says.
Candice Nicole Hargons, an associate professor in behavioural, social and health education sciences at Emory University, recommends an even more specific resolution: in 2025, “prioritise sex that isn’t penetrative”, she says.
Why? For one, most women require some form of clitoral stimulation to orgasm, Hargons says. (She notes that non-penetrative sex is the norm in many queer relationships). Also, mixing things up brings a sense of novelty, she adds.
“You don’t say it as, ‘Let’s not have this type of sex,’” she explains. “It’s: ‘Let’s add this.’”
Of course, talking about sex can be difficult. Hargons recommends a good conversation starter: “I’d love to have more variety in our sex life.”
5. Commit to joy
In long-term relationships, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of finding moments for connection and fun, says Howard Markman, codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.
Stumped about where to start? Once a month or so, sit down with your partner and jot down three things each of you would like to do together, he recommends. Attend a sporting event? Institute a movie night? Tackle a creative project? Then swap lists. Take one item from your partner’s list (and vice versa) and commit to helping make it happen.
“You’re taking coequal responsibility for planning this activity that is going to enhance the fun, the friendship, the sensuality – all the positive connections,” Markman says.
6. Don’t let resentments fester
One of the paradoxes of “vibrant relationships” is that you have to be willing to rock the boat, says Terrence Real, a family therapist.
So, bringing up resentments or gripes, even if it starts a fight, can be healthy. Another way to put it, he says: “Dare to take each other on.”
When partners stop fighting for their deepest needs, “passion is the first casualty”, Real warns. “Resentment grows. Sexuality and generosity decrease.”
He acknowledges that this resolution requires strong communication skills. It is generally more effective to request a change, rather than to complain about what you don’t like, Real says.
If your bids for communication fail, he adds, don’t give up: “Drag your partner to therapy and find an active therapist who isn’t afraid to back you up.” – This article originally appeared in the New York Times
