Is your romantic partner funny about money? What in the first flushes of love can seem like quirkiness or care with cash can over time leach into something more sinister.
Attitudes to finances in a relationship that seriously clash can affect your happiness. But where a lover won’t pay their share, keeps you in the dark about money, creates financial dependence or pressures you into debt, it moves into the realm of financial abuse. This is a form of coercive control which is a criminal offence in Ireland.
Whether it’s a new romance or you’re together for years, here are the red flags to watch for, and how to get help.
What is financial abuse?
The charity Women’s Aid hears thousands of reports of financial abuse every year. This can range from a boyfriend trying to control how much you work to a husband retaining sole visibility of bank accounts.
Men can be victims too and Charity Men’s Aid hears from those who were given little or no access to money in a relationship and or whose passwords were used to transfer money without consent
You don’t need to be living with the person for them to be abusive. Financial abuse can occur in short-term relationships or even in your first relationship. Over time, financial abuse can trap victims in a relationship or living situation, making it difficult or dangerous to leave.
If you think financial abuse occurs in cash-strapped homes only, you’re wrong.
“Financial abuse is so, so common,” says Eavan Ward, head of regional services at Women’s Aid. It can occur regardless of how much money there is in the household.
“It wouldn’t be uncommon at all for us to hear, even where both partners are working and earning good money, that she is literally paying for everything,” says Ward.
“It can occur too where he is earning lots of money and she is working part-time and caring for children, but paying for everything,” she says.
Where a partner is protective of “their” money, whilst your earnings fund everything, it can signal that they prioritise their own financial wellbeing at your expense.
“It would not be uncommon to hide assets and savings from a partner,” says Ward.
Women’s work?
In financially abusive relationships, paying for childcare can be seen as the woman’s responsibility. If she wants to continue working after the couple has children, she must pay the price.
“You see cases where someone may even have the lesser income, and is covering everything for the children with no input from the other person,” says family law solicitor Avril Mangan of Mangan & Company solicitors.
“Swimming, gymnastics, horse riding ... and with two children doing it, it really adds up.”
An abusive partner can be insistent about separating spending along gender lines.
“When someone says, ‘no, I’m not contributing to that, I’m doing other stuff,’ and there is no understanding or appreciation of sharing the burden, that’s an alarm bell,” says Mangan.
Being watched
There can be apparent financial parity in some relationships, and no shortage of money, but one partner can be made to feel they can’t spend it, says Mangan.
“A lot of what I see is really subtle,” says Mangan. “I see cases where everything is in joint names and there is loads of money in the couple’s joint account, but one person feels they can’t touch the money,” says Mangan.
“Although there is plenty of money, they are afraid to access it.”
If you find yourself masking your spending or paying in cash so the transaction doesn’t leave a trace, this can indicate you are experiencing coercion.
“I had a divorce case where, for the duration of the marriage, it was all in joint names but my client never felt she could use it. It stemmed from being made to account for everything she spent,” says Mangan.
She describes another case where a woman would get an immediate phone call when she used her card.
“She would have to ask her friend to pay for lunch with their card because otherwise she would get a phone call – “what’s that transaction, why did you spend so much?” It’s that feeling of being watched,” says Mangan.
“There are plenty of people who have joint accounts and there is loads of cash in them but they are terrified to go and spend €50 in Dunnes because they will be quizzed.”
Crypto
A partner who leans on your good credit rating to borrow and pressures you to co-sign a loan is another sign of financial abuse, says Ward.
“We see women coming into us more and more where their partner or husband has put their name on loans, or has got them to take out money to invest in cryptocurrency,” says Ward. “It can be thousands and thousands of euro and a woman is left to pay it off.
“It doesn’t really happen in a vacuum,” she says. “Usually there is coercion going on in the relationship, there is manipulation and psychological abuse, there are threats.
“The victim can feel like they have no choice but to comply,” she says. “She could still be in the relationship, or trying to leave, but have that burden of debt.”
Children’s allowance
When first introduced in 1944, Child Benefit was only paid to fathers. It wasn’t until 1973 that the payment was made to mothers. Few married women at that time had independent income and there was greater awareness of financial neglect.
Poverty within households remains a key reason for keeping Child Benefit a universal payment: it can’t be assumed that household income is shared.
When a father asks that the Child Benefit is signed over to him, it should sound alarm bells, says Ward. “There is often really serious abuse and control going on. An insistence that the payment is transferred to the father can be a red flag.”
A woman not working outside the home can be made to feel they are not contributing and demeaned because of their economic status, she says.
“The partner might say, ‘You’re not doing anything. I’m the one going out working, what do you need money for'…” says Ward.
“Those who are not working outside the home, or who are on a very low income, may not be given access to their partner’s salary. They are given a very small allowance, like €50 to pay for food for the week, or the Child Benefit only, but have no access to his income,” says Ward.
Some people suffering financial abuse will use the grocery shop to get much needed cash back at the till. If the financially dominant person always does the grocery shop, that’s a red flag too, says Mangan.
Visibility
In some cases of financial abuse, the abuser changes passwords to prevent visibility and access to joint bank accounts, including a mortgage, the current account or credit card spending.
“It’s really important for people to contact the bank, to get statements on the mortgage, particularly if it’s a joint mortgage,” says Ward.
“You need to ensure that on anything with your name on it, you are able to see what’s going on with it.
“You can think, he’s paying the mortgage and I’m paying everything else and then it transpires the mortgage isn’t being paid, or the rent is not being paid,” says Ward.
When children come along, some couples may opt for one of them to take a step back from work. Where a partner’s wish to return to the workplace is not supported, this can form part of a bigger picture around isolation and control.
“Very fixed gender rules of, ‘you stay at home and mind the kids and I’ll get on with my career’, those very fixed gender views can sometimes form part of abusive relationships,” says Ward.
“Of course couples make those decisions every day but it can be part of creating dependence and isolation as well,” she says. “It happens across society, among high, middle and lower earners; it’s really intrinsic to domestic violence and can be really insidious.
“If there is a high income, there might be a lovely car but that woman may not have access to money herself. She may not have financial independence within the relationship.”
What to do
Abusers can be subtle and stealthy in their deceit, especially at first. Victims may not realise what is happening until they become so financially dependent, saddled with debt or frightened that they feel they cannot walk out.
Talk about money at the very beginning of a relationship, says Avril Mangan.
“Have the conversation. If you can’t, then you need to look at why and ask if it’s the right relationship for you,” she says. “Maybe it’s about going to a financial adviser or mortgage broker together to force the conversation.”
When setting up joint accounts, partners should decide if they will both be allowed to access the account without needing permission from each other.
Mangan has seen abusive relationships where joint savings are stealthily moved to a sole account to pay off one person’s debts.
She advises maintaining both careers if possible, when children arrive. “My advice to anyone, male or woman, is never let yourself be financially dependent on another person. If you do step back from a career, keep a hand in.”
She recommends keeping your own bank account too, and visibility on joint finances.
Women’s Aid received more than 4,300 disclosures of financial abuse in 2023. And the issue is prevalent enough that Banking and Payments Federation Ireland (BPFI) members AIB Bank of Ireland and PTSB have trained staff on the matter.
If you approach your bank, by phone or in the branch, staff are trained to assist you, the banks say. “Dedicated one-to-one appointments can be made where customers can speak in confidence,” says the BPFI.
As someone who is co-named on a bank account, a bank can help you access your money safely. They can help you set up a basic bank account for your sole use too.
They can also help you find out about loans taken out in your name, advise on dealing with debt and preventing further debt.
Victims can seek support from organisations like Women’s Aid, SafeIreland.ie. MensNetwork.ie, Men’s Aid and the Money Advice and Budgeting Service.
If you decide to seek protection from the Gardaí, it will help to have kept bank records or copies of emails, or text messages, says Women’s Aid.
