Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly columns

The old dear goes, ‘Sorcha? I don’t know anyone of that name. Is she one of your tarts, Ross?’

Ross and Brett are hosting a living funeral for Fionnuala, but she can’t remember anyone

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jul 12 2025 - 06:00

Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’

‘I hope she has one of her good days – because there’ll be some crowd at her living funeral’

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jul 05 2025 - 06:00

Listen | 05:57

Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’

The old dear is pretending she doesn’t know who Brett is, in the hopes of scaring him back to the US and as far away from yours truly as possible

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jun 28 2025 - 06:00

Listen | 06:19

I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens

Sorcha’s friend Claire has opened yet another cafe but this time with a new gimmick: all the staff are ex-offenders

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jun 21 2025 - 16:53

Listen | 06:53

‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’

Brett is in bed with a woman he met at the Divorcee Disco when his wife arrives at the front door

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jun 14 2025 - 06:59

Listen | 50:23

‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’

It’s the night before the Leaving Cert, and Sorcha wants to have a mother-daughter hort-to-hort

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jun 07 2025 - 06:00

Listen | 05:42

‘He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals’

Brett has arrived downstairs for breakfast with a woman named Rowena, and Sorcha is accusing me of corrupting him

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat May 31 2025 - 06:00

Listen | 06:20

‘We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up’

Brett, my brother slash half-brother, is clearly impressed by our tales in the pub. The dude can really put the drink away – that’s one thing he inherited from the old dear

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat May 24 2025 - 06:00

Listen | 06:34

Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’

My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat May 17 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:35

‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’

So, my brother slash half-brother finds out what he missed out on by the old dear giving the dude away

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat May 10 2025 - 06:00

Listen | 06:48

Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers

His gaff is the size of the Powerscourt Hotel

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat May 03 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:17

It’s finally here, the day that I meet my brother slash half-brother

We’re in the cor on the way to pick up Brett from the airport and Sorcha’s running me through a few talking points

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Apr 26 2025 - 05:00

‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’

Everyone just stares at me in silence like people sometimes do when I’ve made them think

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Apr 19 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:33

Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’

Sorcha said we should possibly keep a closer eye on what our kids are up to after watching that TV show that everyone’s banging on about

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Apr 12 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 05:57

‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor

She's sitting at the piano when I get to the nursing home to interrogate her about my half-brother

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Apr 05 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:15

‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’

I’m actually shaking on the phone to Brett, like Thomond Park used to shake before 2019

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Mar 29 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:13

‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the annual Paddy’s Day walk with the goys and the kids, and so far it’s not going well

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Mar 22 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:27

Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak

Honor has been caught using ChatGPT and faces being expelled, or at the very least, impeached as head girl

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Mar 15 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 07:01

I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’

‘They’re clearly not yours,’ I go when she hands me her mock Leaving Cert results

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Mar 08 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:11

‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout’

I’m there, ‘I’m here to find out if I have a brother or sister out there?‘ He’s like, ‘All in good time. I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet'

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Mar 01 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:25

‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’

I’m there to the guy, ‘Fionnuala O’Carroll. You were, like, engaged to her?‘ He looks genuinely terrified

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Feb 22 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:19

‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’

It’s Valentine’s Day (or so she tells me), and Sorcha says she wants to spice things up

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Feb 15 2025 - 09:00

Listen | 06:16

‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’

The old dear is in the deep end, treading water. I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’ She goes, ‘I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?'

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Feb 08 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:06

When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’

On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Feb 01 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:13

The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jan 25 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:02

‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me

As I greet her at arrivals after her trip to St Moritz, it’s clear from her face that things haven’t gone well

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jan 18 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:03

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’

As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jan 11 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:27

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’

After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Jan 04 2025 - 05:00

Listen | 06:09

Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer

She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Dec 21 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 05:53

The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’

Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Dec 14 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:20

‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’

I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Dec 07 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 05:50

‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’

Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Nov 30 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:22

Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’

Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Nov 23 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:13

‘When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’

There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Nov 16 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 05:53

‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’

Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Nov 09 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:02

‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Nov 02 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 05:50

‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’

The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant, and Hennessy is looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting for a grown-up to fix it for him

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Oct 26 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:19

JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account

The goys are up in orms that I used to send them chicken feathers anonymously in the post after lousy displays. But I was their captain

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Oct 19 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:41

‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’

Yeah, no, I’ve badly misjudged this one. She’s actually talking about having another baby

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Oct 12 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:10

‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’

Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Oct 05 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:59

The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them

Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Sept 28 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:56

‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’

Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Sept 21 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:27

The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Sept 14 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:13

A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster

Leo’s teacher stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Sept 07 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:34

‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’

Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knows

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Aug 31 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:34

Don’t Look Back in Ongar: Ross O’Carroll-Kelly says an emotional, unexpectedly touching farewell

The plot is farcical on the surface, but the absurdity of Ross’s life cloaks the relatable beneath

By Niamh O’ReillyThu Aug 29 2024 - 05:38

Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag

She goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Aug 24 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:11

It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th

The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Aug 17 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:14

‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Aug 10 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:29

How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part

By Ross O'Carroll-KellySat Aug 03 2024 - 05:00

Listen | 06:16

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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