Three hours, 11 minutes, 53 seconds and 17.6 miles after leaving Straffan, Karen Hutchison and Roger Gardner of Gloucestershire limped across the finish line at Trinity Boat Club in Islandbridge, their battered K2 bandaged together with tape. They had completed the 1997 Jameson Liffey Descent and they had earned the right to cry . . . but there wasn't a tear in sight.
How did it go?
"Oh, we had a good race. Except we fell in . . . how many times?" Roger asked his partner, who was busy trying to get the circulation going in her legs.
"Three times," she replied. "And we broke the boat. Twice." "Yes, a large split on the front . . . and a large split on the back," said Roger, pointing proudly to the two gaping cracks on the bottom of their vessel.
"We broke the front at Templemills." "And the back at Lucan."
"But we did a temporary repair with a bin bag and then fixed it with roller tape at the Portage."
"Yes. It was great. Really enjoyed it," said a grinning Roger, who, with Karen, had finished 30th out of 32 K2 competitors.
Enjoyed it? A quick look in the Oxford Concise confirms the definition of "enjoyment": to take delight in, experience pleasure. It mentions nothing about paddling for 17.6 miles in a sinking canoe.
Standing on the bridge in Straffan earlier on Saturday afternoon, only one question can have entered the minds of those who turned up to see the start of the Liffey Descent. Why? Why do they do it? They're not conscripted into this race, they enter of their free will. And then, 1,000 metres from the start, they hit Straffan Weir (sometimes literally) and, again, you have to ask, why?
Hundreds of them came around the bend. At first there were the people who have made this madness their lives, like the Mawer and Tordoff brothers, among the favourites in the K2 class. But then there were the rest, those out to "enjoy" the experience. There was nothing but sheer, unadulterated, blind terror on their faces when they spotted the first of the 10 weirs they had to negotiate on the day.
Most of them dug their paddles into the water, circled for a while, glared at the nasty hurdle ahead (and the commentator above them who urged them to get on with it), tried to remind themselves why they had chosen to enter the race in the first place, then went for it. Swoosh, crash, gadunk, lots of "aaarrgghhs", glug, glug, gargle, gargle and mouthfuls of Liffey water. Uggh.
A quick dash to the other side of the bridge and there below were far-too-many-to-count capsized boats floating by. After a few seconds their owners popped up, spitting out any of the Liffey water they hadn't swallowed through shock, and began fighting the currents to reach a piece of riverbank marked "Trespassers prosecuted - Private". So, by now, they'd even broken the law.
Ah yes, the Liffey Descent. "There's nothing like it," every competitor agrees, and after witnessing the opening few minutes of the race you find it hard to disagree.
One of Straffan Weir's early victims was the Drogheda Harbour Master, Martin Donnelly, who badly damaged his boat but, courageously, soldiered on to the bitter end. In truth, he hadn't much choice. His wife, Christine (winner of the White Water class), and daughter, Dian (victor in the Junior Open singles), were waiting patiently for him at Islandbridge. If he turned up by bus he might never have lived it down. It's just a wild guess, but Boat 106 appeared to have been another that came to grief at Straffan Weir. Either that, or its crew (Mike Richman and Andy Parker of Newbury, according to the start list) got a last-minute attack of common sense and decided to go home. They were spotted at 1.45, walking along the road in to Celbridge, carrying their canoe over their heads. By 2.0 I had descended to Lucan Weir. Granted, the journey took place in a warm, dry, snug, heated car, but it was a Descent nonetheless. At Lucan Weir there could be found disturbing evidence of man's inhumanity to man: ripples of giggling whenever someone took a dip and excited "oooohs" whenever a crunching sound came from the bottom of a canoe that hadn't quite found the right spot to plummet down the weir.
Surrey's Mark Pearce and Simon Levison got over safely in their K2, grinned at the crowd and then sank. More giggling. Someone went by with half a paddle, which meant he probably ended up back in Straffan soon after. Paul Melling and Mike Read wore Viking helmets, but Mike's was missing one horn. Those who slid over the weir only to become wedged at the bottom risked having a fellow competitor land on his or her head. Like Ronan Browne of Carna, Co Galway, who spent some time trying to remove Ciaran McBride of Belfast from his shoulders. Or Castlebar's Patrick Touly, who got to know Jonathan Wall and Damien Keogh (Beaumont) a little better than he would have liked. Onwards and downwards. Trinity Boat Club. By now, Salmon Leap's Michelle Barry had won her eighth K1 title in 10 years and Fergus Cooper of Celbridge's Contrast Club had collected his second K1 gold, beating Salmon Leap's Malcolm Banks and David Francis.
The Tordoff brothers from Chester were finally beaten, after three victories in a row, in the K2 class, finishing fourth behind winners Tim Brabants and James Block of Nottingham. Less than two minutes separated the first four, with Gary and John Mawer of Celbridge taking silver.
Angela Kearney of Drogheda was initially awarded silver in the women's senior open singles, but that was upgraded to gold when it was discovered the Australian winner was, in fact, male. No scandal, the organisers insisted, just a clerical error.
But on with the business of finding out why these people do it. Mike Timms, of Bray Canoe Club, who finished ninth in the Veteran Open singles, had just completed his 16th consecutive Liffey Descent, and I suggested that maybe that was plenty. "Yes, but the trouble is I have a whole year to forget about the pain, so I'll probably do it again. Actually this year it was very good. I'm 50, so I normally get cramps, but I got just one this year, at the Portage. It's just a long, long slog. "You're all nervous and scared on the top, you're thinking about what you have to do, but then you get in to it. Every time you finish it's worth it, it's an achievement for anyone who gets to the end. You've done 17 miles, you've come through those weirs and negotiated the fast water so you go and celebrate," he said, and with that he went in search of champagne.
Still not convinced. What about Eimear Donnelly, Leo Duffy and Kevin Oates of the Blackwater Canoe Club in Armagh (they finished five minutes before the official end-of-race time, 5.30, in their Canadian Three). Well, how was it? Awful?
"Brilliant. Magic," said Leo. Any spills? "Three - but sure that's all the crack isn't it?" "That's the only thing we're good at, swimming," said Kevin. At last, at 5.37 some Liffey Dissent zig-zagged its weary way towards the finishing line in the form of Wigan's Andrew Gale and Frank Smith. After dragging their broken and soggy bodies out of their Recreational Canadian Doubles' craft, Frank had had enough. "Get rid of it, set fire to it, I never want to see it again," he howled, before limping away. The odd thing is, he'll probably be back next year.
Liffey Descent
Senior K1 - Men: 1 F Cooper (Contrast Canoe Club), 2 M Banks (Salmon Leap CC), 3 D Francis (Salmon Leap CC). Women: M Barry (Salmon Leap CC), 2 R Bohm (SA), 3 C Berry (Scot).
Senior K2: 1 T Brabants and J Block (Eng), 2 G Mawer and J Mawer (Salmon Leap CC), 3 G Slater and S Dark (Eng). Senior White Water - Men: 1 M O'Meara (180 Kayak Club), 2 S McGuigan (SA), 3 M McCarthy (Wild Water KC). Women: 1 C Donnelly (Silver Bridge KC), 2 J Bradburn (Eng), 3 R Bracken (Irish Canoe Union). Senior Open Singles - Men: 1 P Cullen (Nore CC), 2 A Redmond (Irish Canoe Union), 3 S Cahill. Women: 1 A Kearney (Silver Bridge KC), 2 A Gargan (Silver Bridge KC), 3 M O'Dowd (UCG).
Junior K2: G Champ and D O'Connor (Celbridge Paddlers), 2 C Davenport and D Pringle (Salmon Leap CC), 3 J Briody and V Walsh (Salmon Leap CC). Junior K1 - Men: J Smith (Wild Water KC), 2 B Maloney (Salmon Leap CC), 3 C Gallagher (Wild Water KC). Women: 1 C Halpin (Wild Water KC), 2 A Mynes (Wild Water KC), 3 T Strevens (King's Hospital KC). Junior Open Singles - Men: 1 A O'Malley (Eng), 2 C Kitching (Eng), 3 S Burke (Irish Canoe Union). Women: 1 D Donnelly (Silver Bridge KC), 2 S Cullen (Nore CC), 3 S Gallagher (Salmon Leap CC).
Veteran K1: 1 D Bohm (SA), 2 P Moroney (Wild Water KC), 3 N Daniels (Eng). Veterans' Open Singles: 1 M O'Farrell (Kilcullen CC), 2 R Coulter (North Down CC), 3 G Cullen (Nore CC).
Racing Canadian Doubles: 1 N Canavan and A Scullon (Mid Antrim CC), 2 C Walker and R Davison (Eng), 3 M Richman and A Parker (Eng). Touring Doubles: 1 R McClure and P Murphy (Wild Water KC), 2 N Donohoe and G McKay (Wild Water KC), 3 M Dwyer and B Connell (Voyagers CC). Recreational Canadian Doubles: 1 D Bradburn and C Smith (Eng), 2 S Grant and S McGlin (Irish Canoe Union), 3 J Drummond and A Drummond (Eng). Canadian Singles: 1 P Anderson (Eng), 2 G Coduri (Ita), 3 T MacTyre (Celbridge Paddlers).
Slipstream: Angus McIntosh and Duncan Siegfield of South Africa take on the Wren's Nest weir in Saturday's Liffey Descent. - (Photograph: Joey Cleary).
