RTÉ lads do well not to nod off after dour Ireland game in Luxembourg

You never, of course, want to make fibbing accusations, but you do have to wonder about the relationship with the truth of anyone who claimed to be tingling in anticipation of this end-of-season friendly against Luxembourg in Stade de Luxembourg in Luxembourg City.

RTÉ couldn’t even find anyone to turn up for studio duty, commentator Des Curran and ads for Butternut Box having to fill their 15 minute build-up. As well as Tony O’Donoghue’s chat with birthday boy Heimir Hallgrímsson who was eager to get his teeth in to this tussle and extend Ireland’s 2025 unbeaten run.

Five changes in all from Friday’s draw with Senegal, but in truth, the biggest team news of the night was the choice of Ronnie Whelan as co-commentator.

Now, Ronnie, at the best of times, would struggle to sound enthused by a World Cup final. Even if he’d been, say, in the box with Marty Morrissey for the Munster hurling final last weekend, he’d have spent his time asking “is it nearly over?” Or, “yeah, I know Aaron Gillane has scored 5-27, but he misses more than he scores”.

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So thoughts and prayers to the chairperson of the RTÉ co-commentator-picking committee who had to tell Ronnie he was their man for this encounter, while Ray Houghton, Stephen Kelly and the rest of the lads were downing sangrias somewhere sunny.

“Are you looking forward to this one,” asked Des. “Very much so,” Ronnie lied, although he professed himself to have been impressed – even uplifted – by Ireland’s performance against Senegal.

“Things are going in the right direction,” he said, before admitting that he worries when his hopes are raised because it’s then that “something happens”.

The problem was, that very little happened at all in that first half, other than Nathan Collins hitting the woodwork, Des telling us that after the Butternut Box break that they’d come back with “the main moments” from the opening 45.

One of them, in their highlights montage, was Troy Parrott having his shirt dragged by a Luxembourg person, another showing Will Smallbone ending up on his bottom in slow motion. Yes, there was our Nathan’s near-miss, but other than that, the pick-out moment was that of a gentleman in a leprechaun outfit, possibly an EU employee, searching for a booger up his left nostril. “Is it nearly over,” you could almost hear Ronnie ask.

Pre-match he had declared that Luxembourg are “no mugs”, but by half-time he was beginning to wonder. About Ireland too. His enthusiasm for the contest was waning.

“It’s not exactly what you want, you want to be on a beach somewhere putting your feet up,” he said, the only thought that might have comforted him that of Ray Houghton, Stephen Kelly suffering from sunstroke and sangria hangovers.

Ireland’s Nathan Collins after the game. Photograph: Ryan Byrne/Inpho

There was time for him to reminisce, at Des’s prompting, about his goal against Luxembourg in the Euro 88 qualifiers, although Ronnie couldn’t quite remember if his hit was from 20, 40 or 100 yards, the story growing in the telling. No matter, he scored, which is what he very much desired Ireland to do at some point on this June 2025 evening.

Luxembourg, granted, had their moments, Gerson Rodrigues among their greater threats, him taking a timeout from his conviction for assaulting his former partner, as the “Red Card For Violence Against Women” banner in the crowd reminded us.

Similar banners were forcibly removed from the crowd during Luxembourg’s friendly last week because they were somewhat inflammatory and might well have broken the sport’s ban on expressing any form of objection to bad things. Football, what are you like?

Any way, on we went. This was, to be honest, no Munster hurling final. Des, fair play to him, maintained his enthusiasm, but Ronnie was wilting.

“Player of the match,” Des asked. “It’s a difficult one,” Ronnie replied, possibly having nodded off not long after half-time and having no clue how anyone performed thereafter. But he opted for Jason Knight, largely because he’d managed to stay awake through the game.

“It’s a game that won’t live long in the memory,” Des conceded. It’ll take several gallons of sangria, you’d suspect, for Ronnie to recover from that one. Scoreless against Luxembourg in Stade de Luxembourg in Luxembourg City? He’s thanking the footballing Gods that Ireland’s season is finally over.