Half-time in Paris, France 17, England 0, and while John Inverdale, Jeremy Guscott, Martin Johnson and Dylan Hartley sat there ashen-faced, Thomas Castaignede was sporting the cheekiest grin ever seen on the face of a human being in the whole history of time. "Rugby," he concluded, "is simple!"
Forty-ish minutes before, Inverdale had asked his panel for their predictions.
Guscott: “I’m confident . . . England by six plus.”
Johnson: “I think the smart money is on England.”
Hartley: “Do I really need to answer that?”
Castaignede: “This is the start of a new decade! France by 10 points!”
Inverdale (chuckling): “Nooooo! Do you believe that?! I’ll have a bet with you afterwards!”
Come half-time, then, our host had no option but to salute Castaignede and his optimism. “You know your onions,” he conceded.
Inverdale, though, was mystified by what he had witnessed in that first half, the first time England hadn't scored in a Five/Six Nations first half since 1988, he told us. Eddie Jones, as we know, had informed France that they could expect "absolute brutality", when what they got was an absolutely brutal England.
Mind you, it was a confusing day all round for Inverdale, him having introduced us to the BBC’s coverage by declaring that “two days after leaving Europe, we’re back in it!”. Like Brexit had actually resulted in Britain being geographically re-located.
Anyway, before handing over to the commentary team, he asked Hartley for his thoughts on Sexit, ie Saracens being chucked out of the Premiership come the season’s end for unleashing absolute brutality on the salary cap. Hartley put their repeat offending on the issue down to “ignorance and arrogance”, this from a fella who knows plenty about repeat offending.
“Me, more than anybody, knows that if you do something naughty, you get in trouble. But I never did the same thing over and over again – my eight bans were all for different things, my criminal versatility was unbelievable.” Outstanding, that. People have been knighted for less.
Criminal
Come the break, though, it was England’s performance that he reckoned was criminal, France’s versatility coming as a shock. “I think half-time is the best thing that could have happened England right now,” he said, the whistle that signalled it being the highlight of the ex-Europeans’ day. A somewhat improved second half display was, he conceded, required if they were to remain on course to be “the greatest team to ever play rugby” (copyright: Eddie).
It was indeed improved, to the point where Paul O'Connell must have been tempted to sedate Brian Moore whose rollercoaster trip from hopelessness to hope would have left POC's eardrums close enough to perforated. Not to mention Eddie Butler's match-long scuffle with French noms. (eg it wasn't Ollivon who scored that second try, it was "Oll-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-vaw").
But France held on and if it wasn’t for that Owen Farrell penalty, with the last kick of the match, they would have won by 10 points and Inverdale would have been handing over the keys of his house to Castaignede.
Still, Inverdale wondered about what might have been, about the “infinitesimal margins” that had cost England. What if Oll-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-vaw’s try had been disallowed for a knock-on? “Never mind the hand of God, that was the finger of God!” “We could,” he said mournfully, “be sitting here talking about an England victory.”
Somehow, Castaignede resisted responding with something along the lines of “if ze Queen had ze you-know-whats, she would be ze king”.
The Queen of the Six Nations weekend, as it proved, was Beibhinn Parsons for intercepting that Scottish pass and running the length of the Donnybrook pitch to score the try that, ultimately, sealed the points for Ireland.
“A heart-in-mouth climax,” said Daire O’Brien of the contest, to add to a similar conclusion to the lads’ outing against the same nation the day before. The combined sighs of relief from coaches Adam Griggs and Andy Farrell should have been preceded by a Met Eireann Status Red wind warning.
Rugby? Despite what Thomas might tell you, and even if he knows his onions, it’s anything but simple.
