“It’s like watching Wacky Races plays rugby,” said Nick Mullins during the error-laden chaos that was that first half at Twickenham, the peak of the pandemonium occurring when, of all people, Antoine Dupont dropped a pass a couple of strides from the line. “I think he last did that when he was five,” said the ITV man.
Still, one mistake in 23 years isn’t bad going, Brian O’Driscoll having described Dupont prematch as “a cheat code” and “an AI bot”. There was almost relief on his part, then, come half-time, having witnessed Dupont prove he’s human by erring.
Weirder still, though, was that England won, the Virgin Media panel discombobulated by the result having anticipated France switching on the after-burners and incinerating their hosts. A funny old game, rugby.
And Andrew Trimble gave us all the heebie-jeebies by ignoring that ‘one-game-at-a-time’ lark by skipping over the challenge Scotland and even Wales (don’t be rude) might pose for Ireland in their quest for a Grand Slam and fast forwarding to the visit of France to these shores on March 8th.
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“They probably used up all of their errors in Twickenham for 12 months of rugby – and we’re going to pay the price when they come to Dublin,” he fretted.
Gregor Townsend might well have been Sellotaping Andrew’s words to the wall of Scotland’s Murrayfield dressingroom come Sunday, just to let his lads know that the Irish reckoned this contest would be an amble in the park, thereby heightening the juiciness of the rivalry.
Former Scottish international John Barclay reckoned that enmity dated back to the meetings of Munster and Glasgow, recalling one particular incident that poured fuel on the fire.
“ROG got into a fight with Glasgow captain Al Kellock. The ref said, ‘listen, you’re two of the most respected players in rugby.’ ROG said, ‘I have no idea who this clown is.’”
As luck would have it, ROG – aka Ronan O’Gara – was sitting beside John on the BBC panel, and didn’t entirely deny that this exchange happened. Nor, incidentally, did he entirely dismiss Gabby Logan’s query about his interest in the Australia job, the gist of his response (paraphrasing-alert): ‘I love the bones of La Rochelle ... but holy jaysus, Australia would be some gig!’’
Martin Johnson and Sam Warburton were on the panel too, which allowed Gabby introduce her pundits quite excellently. “This is not the start of a joke – we have an Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman.”
If ROG was ill-mannered, he could have pointed out that the Scotsman has been walking in to a bar since 2017 to drown his sorrows over habitually losing to Ireland, that being how long it had been since John’s crew had a Six Nations triumph over our bunch. Sam Prendergast was still a week away from turning 14 and was possibly more interested in collecting Pokémon cards than Greig Laidlaw making mush of our hearts with two late penalties.
This time? Well, 17-0 up in no time, Donal Lenihan in raptures, not least about Tadhg Beirne’s contribution to the effort. “He’s an absolute pain in the backside to play against, I’d say,” he swooned.
Granted, Scotland pulled a try back just before the break, but ROG was swooning himself over Ireland’s dominance. “It was like an exercise where only one team was allowed the ball.”
Admittedly, it got a touch ropy in the early stages of that first half, Ireland’s lead narrowed to six points, but then they took flight and all was well. By the time Scotland were 32-11 down the ref’s mic picked up a despairing cry from one of their men: “****ing hit him!” “Wise words from Scotland, there,” said Andrew Cotter. Little wonder Olive and Mabel love him so.
Back on RTÉ, Donal went all Statto on us. “For the rugby nerds out there: this is Ireland’s 768th test, it’s the first time in their 150 year history that they’ve fielded a match day squad with over 1,200 caps – in fact, 1,238 caps.” Hugh Cahill dozed off.
The only number on Scotland’s mind? Eleven (defeats to Ireland in a row). ROG could offer them no comfort. “It felt like a 40-point victory,” he said, while saluting young Sam, who was named man of the match.
The battle for the number 10 shirt was, he reckoned, a mighty positive for Ireland, Sam v Jack Crowley v Ciaran Frawley ensuring it would be in safe hands for a decade. But sure, what would he know about the battle for said shirt? Then Sam doffed his cap to Johnny Sexton’s assistance in his post-match chat, ROG wearing the look of a man who wanted to go Down Under.
