It was while watching that fella run the London Marathon on the promenade in Llandudno came the realisation that every time you think 2020 can’t get any more 2020ish, it does. And back in actual London the elite women were starting their race in the dark at 7.15 on an October morning, running through empty streets and passing cardboard cut-outs of the Queen, Prince William, Paula Radcliffe and the like. Your head’d be melted.
In all, 45,000 people “virtually” ran the marathon in 109 countries, the BBC’s Gabby Logan having the chats with some of them on a big Zoomy screen where we could see them all huffing and puffing in their little boxes. She also spotted two “virtual runners” seemingly heading in to a pub. If their beloveds happened to be watching on telly the lads would’ve got a right clip ‘round the ear when they got home huffing and puffing and claiming they’d just completed 26.2 miles. Instead of pints.
To add to the oddness of the occasion, we had Andrew Cotter in the commentary box, which meant we expected to see Olive and Mabel, wearing eight Nike’s Air Zoom Alphafly NEXT%s between them, appear from nowhere to challenge Brigid Kosgei in the home stretch. Although, as we know by now, unless Andrew’s Labradors have a treat-incentive, they won’t put any kind of shift in, never mind one lasting 26.2 miles.
Mark Wright, though, was hired by the BBC to urge all us viewers to put in a jaunty 26-minute shift during the marathon. Hands up, some of us didn’t know Wright, but according to Wikipedia he appeared in The Only Way Is Essex and his nine-times great grandfather, David Antonio de Mendoza, was arrested and tortured by the Spanish Inquisition in 1696 because he was of Sephardic Jewish descent and practised the religion.
This, then, might have been the first time that a descendant of someone tortured by the Spanish Inquisition who later appeared in The Only Way Is Essex was used by the BBC to get viewers watching the London Marathon during a pandemic to virtually exercise for 26 minutes on or around their couch. Tis stranger these times are getting.
Beaming
Meanwhile, at Old Trafford: “The pendemic continues!” So said Martin Tyler after the home bunch took the lead from the spot, their 8,536th penalty in the last month, after 30-ish seconds. Spurs on the ropes, then. And apart from the six goals they responded with, they never really recovered.
“Is that a smirk,” Gary Neville wondered when the camera picked out Jose Mourinho’s response to the sixth, the day having ended on a highly high for the fella having started with an apology to Gareth Southgate in his pre-match chat with Sky.
“I always thought Gary was short for Gareth,” he said, explaining why he’d been calling the England gaffer Gary all week. “He can call me John if he wants.”
By half-time, John was beaming, Spurs 4-1 up.
“It’s a cat-a-stroff,” said an apoplectic Patrice Evra back in the studio. “My advise to anyone right now is to buy a PlayStation, buy a player like Sancho, even Messi, and start playing it because it is a disaster.”
Graeme Souness didn’t remotely understand that advice, instead focusing on Erik Lamela tumbling to the ground like he was mortally wounded after his brush with the subsequently sent-off Anthony Martial. “It’s like a tickle across your chops,” he said of Martial’s raised hand. And then off Graeme went.
“It’s very Latin. We British do it differently. I’ve played in a Latin country, I’ve worked in a Latin country, I know how they see the game. Lamela will sleep well tonight because he will think he’s done a great piece of work for his team. That is not us.”
