“It’s as if Ireland have won the World Cup in football,” said Sky’s Andrew Coltart when Rory McIlroy sank that eagle putt at the 18th in the Irish Open to force a play-off, the crowd around the K Club green trampolining with undiluted joy. ‘Listen lad,’ you’d have been tempted to say to Andrew, ‘we’d settle for just qualifying for a World Cup, never mind winning one’.
It was, though, the happiest of conclusions to what had been a somewhat traumatic few days for sport in our neck of the woods, our boy footballers putting us through the wringer in their World Cup qualifying opener against Hungary, our girl rugby people getting mullered 40-0 by New Zealand.
“Irish eyes are smiling once more,” said Andrew, perhaps aware of what we’d endured. The only conclusion you could reach is that if Rory ran for the presidency, judging by the reception he received as he wandered towards the 18th, his opponents would lose their deposits. And who wouldn’t want to see a debate between himself, Conor McGregor, Michael Flatley and the weather woman, if the latter pair could be persuaded to re-enter the race?
“He’s the gift that keeps on giving,” as Gary Murphy told RTÉ – of Rory, not Conor or Michael – and that he is. He has the habit of putting his devotees through the wringer too, but God almighty, he’s some watch.
Rory McIlroy ought to set his sights on the Áras if K Club support is anything to go by
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Not to be cranky, but the chap who shouted “WATER! WATER!” when Joakim Lagergren hit his drivey thing at the second play-off hole, and the crowd who hollered with glee when he landed in the water at the third, should be sent to Guantánamo Bay and made to listen to Chesney Hawkes on a loop. But that’s being pernickety about a very marvellous spectacle, “one of the coolest moments of my career,” as Rory told RTÉ’s Dave Kelly.
The rugby was a bit less uplifting, but at least Ireland had already booked their slot in the quarter-finals before taking on New Zealand in Brighton, so other than determining the ferocity of their last eight opponents, the outcome didn’t matter a great deal.
This might be a controversial no-solidarity-with-the-sisters take, but are lady Hakas not more terrifying than the ones the lads produce? They’re certainly more high-pitched, Ruahei Demant scaring the bejaysus out of us with her wide-eyed, bellowing leading of the performance.
Ireland didn’t flinch, though, in fact they remained motionless. “Ireland won’t budge, New Zealand won’t budge,” said RTÉ’s Des Curran when it looked like there’d be a stalemate ‘til Monday afternoon while the teams stared each other down. But eventually we got up and running.
Thereafter. Best not talk about it. But look, as BBC commentator Claire Thomas reminded us, New Zealand is a nation “that collects World Cups like Panini stickers”.
The only relief, really, during the game was when it was paused at 3pm for the British government’s national emergency alert which had every phone in the stadium wailing like a tom cat having some love action.
Those unaware of what it was all about would, no doubt, have been terror-struck, but at least there was no repeat of Hawaii’s mistaken 2018 alert when it told its citizens they were about to be hit by a ballistic missile.
Which Ireland kind of were, in rugby terms, Jacqui Hurley’s panel of Dorothy Wall, Paula Fitzpatrick and Bernard Jackman a bit on the despondent side come full-time.
As Didi Hamann and Richie Sadlier were at half-time on Saturday, Ireland having shipped two goals in the first 15 minutes. “This a horror show, I can’t imagine it going any worse than it has gone,” Richie sighed. And there had been so much upbeatedness prematch too. Second half? No end of upbeatedness. Adam Idah might even give Rory a run for the presidency.
We weren’t alone in experiencing an iffy footballing night – England only beat Andorra 2-0, when a victory of NZ v Ireland proportions had been anticipated.
One of England’s few bright sparks was debutant Elliot Anderson. “I saw him play against Leeds last week and he was absolutely brilliant in midfield for Newcastle,” Lee Dixon swooned on ITV. Except Elliot left Newcastle a year ago and now plays for Nottingham Forest, so he was anonymous against Leeds largely because he was busy losing to West Ham 70 miles away. There needs to be a British national emergency alert for chancers.
