The meany-guts bean counters in Jack Chambers’s Department of Public Expenditure and Reform (DPER) must be delighted to see the media so completely caught up in the closing days of the presidential election campaign.
Barring a last minute implosion, CMAC has it in the bag.
That’s Deputy Catherine Mary Ann Connolly, to give the woman her full title.
For now.
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The talk is of little else, so, with any luck, our Guardians of the Public Purse might just get away with their very expensive-looking mistake. If anyone were to find out, the mandarins would be morto.
But polling day is just around the corner, so political minds are elsewhere.
There was a detached air about proceedings at Leaders’ Questions on Wednesday. Sinn Féin leader, Mary Lou McDonald, wasn’t there for her usual joust with Micheál Martin, leaving Galway West TD Mairead Farrell to ably deputise for her.
In a different week, there was every possibility that a perennial favourite – the scandalous wasting of taxpayers’ money by a complacent Government - would have grabbed the Dáil headlines.
A disappointed but highly indignant Opposition would have been up in arms demanding proper oversight, financial breakdowns and full accountability.
[ Winter may be coming, but Opposition not short of fuel to roast the TaoiseachOpens in new window ]
Mary Lou wouldn’t have had a prior engagement either.
But amid all the recent excitement nobody noticed the very shiny, very snazzy new signs commissioned to reflect Jack’s newly beefed up portfolio. A brace of them, back to back on the railing outside his Merrion Street headquarters.
Where once was DPER there is now the Department of Public Expenditure, Infastructure (sic), Public Service Reform and Digitalisation.
Happy days for a sign writer if they were getting paid by the letter.
They are rectangular pieces, embedded side-on along the wide stone ledge beside the steps at the entrance. Very glam looking, with a gleaming chrome bar along the top and the department’s name etched in Irish and in English on the highly reflective polished steel surface.
Maybe Jack got a bang of notions off them. Too swish for his parsimonious cost-cutting crew, perhaps?
[ Thanks be to Jaaysus: final debate wraps up a God-awful presidential electionOpens in new window ]
Anyway, on Wednesday morning, the signs got the Victorian piano legs treatment – they were temporarily covered up.
With a big aul black bin bag.
But never mind. Look! That’s a presidential election happening right now over there and CMAC is walking it!
Nothing to see here.
Poor Jack has had a nightmare already as the Taoiseach’s second-in-command in the Jim Gavin caper debacle. The Chambers of Commerce can’t be dragged into another controversy.
Of course, this would never have happened in Paschal Donohoe’s day because Paschal is a man of letters. He would have spotted the major spelling error on both of the fancy new signs.
Department of “Infastructure” anybody?
Such mortification for the holders of the national purse strings. How much will it cost to fix those signs?
Fortunately, the Opposition is far too happy to worry about such fripperies at the moment, with their alliance of the left movement about to take off in the direction of the highest office in the land.
Dear God, but there’ll be killings over the seating plan for the inauguration in Dublin Castle. At least there’s a wide aisle in St Patrick’s Hall to accommodate any splits.
And who knows? Paul Murphy might magnanimously drop his civil action for defamation against Heather Humphreys once CMAC is in the House.
[ Presidential election proving to be a piece of cake for Catherine ConnollyOpens in new window ]
Back in the Dáil, TDs refrained from any discussion of the election campaign as it goes against parliamentary etiquette. But Richard O’Donoghue, of Independent Ireland, showboating a little in front of a large group from his local Greybridge Classic Club in Limerick in the public gallery, managed to do it anyway.
“This is a question for yourself, Taoiseach, in that we have the election of the president here and I not going to be mentioning any names,” he began, as the Ceann Comhairle took a sharp intake of breath.
“We have a candidate that has withdrawn from the race – and this is coming from members of your own party; they’re asking me this and I need to ask you the question: if that candidate that has withdrawn gets twelve and a half per cent of the vote, the Government get reimbursed for the money that they’ve spent to date and the taxpayer of this country will end up having to pay for that?” he said, brazenly goading Micheál Martin, who did not need a rundown in the chamber of his Jim Gavin fiasco shame.
“Is that correct, they want to know,” insisted Richard, apparently speaking on behalf of demented Fianna Fáil TDs who had poured their hearts out to him.
For the deputy for Co Limerick was once a loyal Soldier of Destiny himself.
“Is that correct? Does the taxpayer have to pay for the mistake that was made by running him in the first pace?”
And all this, fulminatedRichard for his good friends in the gallery, when there is a cost of living crisis and when the budget gave nothing back to working people and increased their tax.
“This is the question that your own members are asking. They want to know, will you get refunded for putting up a ghost candidate?”
Micheál went the full CMAC and replied fully by not replying to the actual question.
[ Micheál Martin’s damage limitation might be too little too late after allOpens in new window ]
Instead, he talked about the wonderful charity work done by the Classic Club in Greybridge and all the other Classic and Vintage vehicle clubs around the country.
He don’t doesn’t drive the old machines for charity but he swims in the sea on New Years day, so he does.
“I won’t be driving into the sea in a tractor.”
As for the cost of living crisis, well, where to start? The Taoiseach did the full rundown of Government supports and initiatives from free hot school meals and school books to increased capitation grants and targeted payments and prioritising infastructure ... sorry, infrastructure.
Richard wasn’t giving up. “During a cost of living crisis, Fianna Fáil will get refunded for putting up a ghost candidate?”
Micheál reminded his former party colleague that he left Fianna Fáil a long time ago and is now an independent.
“Your concern for our members is touching but I respectfully suggest that we will deal with that within our party.
“The law is the law in respect of deposits and return. The people will decide.”
Which they will.
Not long now.
Late in the afternoon on Wednesday, two very different emails landed in our inbox within minutes of each other.
The first from independent candidate Catherine Connolly, now within touching distance of the prize but still out there in the real world, in the thick of the campaign trail
Her email condemned an “entirely false and malicious” AI-generated deep fake video in which she was purportedly announcing her withdrawal from the race. It began circulating online on Tuesday night.
“It is a disgraceful attempt to mislead voters and undermine our democracy. I will not be distracted,” she said.
Then the second email. From the Press Office of the President.
It began: “Uachtarán na hÉireann, President Michael D Higgins and his wife Sabina today hosted the final afternoon tea reception of his term of office at Áras an Uachtaráin.”
And suddenly, the election white noise stopped.
And suddenly, we felt very sad.
