When psychologist Terri Apter became a grandmother for the first time, it “radically transformed” her family dynamic and also brought with it a sense of deja vu.
“It was in a way like being back in the teen years when a lot of the things I said, my little suggestions, that should have been so helpful and wise, just clearly annoyed [my daughter] ... or she disagreed with them,” she tells The Irish Times Women’s Podcast.
Speaking to podcast presenter Róisín Ingle, Apter explains, this tension between grandmother and new mother can arise from how advice has changed over the years. “When [my daughter] was a baby, I was told, put babies on their tummies. That’s the safest way for them to sleep. Now it’s put them on their backs. So there are little glitches like that where you think that your expertise and your wisdom is just old-fashioned”.
But it’s not only that the advice has changed, Apter says, offering guidance to new mothers can also act as a “reminder of how much they have to learn”, so proceeding with sensitivity and understanding is key. “They know they’re on a very steep learning curve and so can be very sensitive to suggestions as though you were saying, you don’t know this and you should know this,” she says.
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As Apter adapted to her new family dynamic, she noticed “a gap” in the information and advice available to new parents and new grandparents. Bookshops and libraries were bursting with books on parenting and what to expect when you’re expecting, but there weren’t nearly as many handbooks out there on how to be a good grandparent.
Grandparenting: On Love and Relationships Across Generations, which was published in February, is Apter’s expert guide on modern grand parenting and how to overcome tricky family dynamics that might occur along the way. The book is not just for grandparents, she adds, it’s for all members of the family as it covers “crossgenerational relationships, how these can be maintained from everyone’s perspective”
In this wide-ranging discussion, Apter also talks about the best ways to set boundaries – whether you’re a new parent or grandparent – the different types of grandmothers, from radical to feminist, and how important a grandparent is in building a child’s identity.
You can listen back in the player above or wherever you get your podcasts.
