To whom it may concern: Trump is sorry. Trump is humble. Trump is scared. Trump doesn't want to get crushed. So if I have offended anyone, or because I have offended everyone, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I realised too late that all the great put-downs that helped me put away the 16 dwarfs don't translate well to the general election. I'm sorry that I'm causing the Republicans to lose control of the Senate and I'm sorry they wish I'd never been born.
I'm really not that sorry to be causing trouble for Paul Ryan, who is going to lose seats in the House. He's a prig and I wish he had lost his primary to that tattooed guy who likes me. I'm sorry I pretended I was going to release my tax returns. Of course I didn't pay any taxes. I have the all-time greatest real estate deductions and depreciations.
I'm sorry I asked African-Americans: "What do you have to lose by supporting me?" in front of a crowd of white people. I'm sorry I can never find my African-American. I'm sorry I continue lying about my wild gesticulations mocking a disabled reporter at the failing New York Times. And I'm really sorry that Hillary's super PAC used it in an ad and made me look like an oaf. I'm sorry I have to sacrifice so much to make America great again.
No one would believe the hatred spewed at me on Twitter. It’s amazing how much super-nasty stuff can be packed into 140 characters. Cyberbullying stinks. I’m sorry Al Gore invented the internet.
I'm sorry, given how horribly I'm doing with women, that I need Roger Ailes to help me with the debates and my post-campaign media company. Many people are saying we should call it the "We Only Hire Foxes" network. I'm sorry I didn't Google Paul Manafort and see that he had more shady Russian connections than a James Bond villain. I'm also sorry I had to cut him loose.
He had a lot of experience propping up dictators, but Paul didn’t know how to play the Trumpet. He had these old-fashioned ideas that when I bravely took on the Khans and that rude baby at the rally that I was punching below my weight. And he didn’t appreciate the genius of my taco bowl tweet.
Speaking of tacos, I'm sorry nobody understood why a Mexican judge could not be fair to me because of the wall. Isn't it obvious why a Mexican-American is the same as a Mexican but a German-Scottish-American is a pure American? I hated to ship Paul off to Siberia, but Jared and Corey told me I couldn't get swept up in an international money-laundering scandal while I was accusing Hillary of doing favours at State for a money launderer and Clinton Foundation donor. Paul will be fine. I'm sure that the $12 million he got for guiding the Russian puppet in Ukraine and plotting to annex Crimea – wherever that is – was just a taste of what's in his offshore bank account.
I'm sorry everyone is calling my new campaign chief executive, Steve Bannon, the "Most Dangerous Man in America." That's my job. And I'm sorry that everyone is disgusted that I hired the guy who made Breitbart a white nationalist manifesto. The website is right-wing and right: white European immigrants like Melania, good. Third Worlders demanding welfare, bad.
The coolest thing is, when Steve was an investment banker, he got a stake in Seinfeld and made millions. So now I have my very own soup Nazi. People just have to get used to going from dapper Paul to stubbled Bannon in his wrinkled cargo shorts. He looks like he just stepped out of a vat of Guinness.
I’m sorry that it doesn’t matter who runs my campaign because I always speak with myself, Number 1, because I have a very good brain and I’m very rich. I’m sorry that while I’m being too honest, Crooked Hillary is never really sorry for all her lies and illegal operations. She’s like Lyin’ Lochte, just sorry she got caught. Hearing her apologise is as likely as seeing those 33,000 yoga emails.
I'm sorry the Clintons didn't realise until now how bad it was to be using the state department as a favour factory for big donors to the foundation. I'm all for pay-for-play, but only at my golf courses. I'm sorry Hillary had to besmirch poor Colin Powell by claiming he gave her the idea for private emails. Hasn't his reputation suffered enough pushing that phoney war at the UN? Have I mentioned that I was against the Iraq War before the British mapmakers invented Iraq? I'm sorry more people don't believe that.
And I’m sorry Hillary is so unhealthy and weak that she hardly ever campaigns and needs pillows to prop her up when she does. I’m sorry to say that she does not have the stamina to take on Isis. But I am not sorry to say that I am fully recovered from the bone spurs that got me out of Vietnam and ready to kick the you-know-what out of Isis.
I'm sorry that Hillary won't stop playing Fight Song. Most of all, I'm sorry that I'm not really sorry.