The importation of vital PPE supplies to Ireland will be temporarily suspended next week to facilitate the urgent delivery of a massive consignment of cotton wool to Paschal Donohoe and the Fine Gael party.
This emergency shipment was ordered following a two-day crisis meeting of the National Preciousness and High Horse Emergency Team (Nphhet) in the wake of a vicious and traumatic assault on the sensitivities of the Minister for Finance and his sacrosanct colleagues by the state broadcaster, RTÉ.
On Wednesday, Paschal fell victim to a terrible attack from journalist Gavin Jennings during a routine outing on Morning Ireland. How could a professional broadcaster whose job is to hold powerful politicians to account do this to lovely Paschal? It was the radio equivalent of clubbing a baby seal, right down to the heartrending little squeals.
No wonder there was such upset at that night’s Fine Gael parliamentary party meeting. The hurt leaked out in gobbets to eavesdropping hacks amid rising anger at those people out in RTÉ once again disrespecting their betters.
But the tone of injured disbelief from FG’s governing “do they not know who we are?” untouchables is understandable when viewed against Jennings’s downright impertinence to a very important member of the Cabinet.
Here’s what Gavin did.
He raised with the Minister for Finance the gathering disquiet over the suspension of shoe-fitting services for young children and the serious implications this has for their rapidly growing feet. Diligent Paschal will have been ready for that question, because it was in the Covid-19 news.
Even 30 years on, mention of Fine Gael and footwear immediately brings to mind John Bruton's stunning budget fiasco
He had his answer prepared. Unfortunately, opening up shops so toddlers can get suitable footwear is considered a non-essential service. There can be no exceptions, otherwise people will demand equal treatment and suddenly all the glass eye shops would have to be reopened along with the wooden leg concessions and then the bra fitters would be up in arms and then where would we be?
Anyone with a passing knowledge of major upheavals in modern Irish politics knows about Fine Gael’s infamous association with children’s shoes. A Fine Gael-led government fell in 1982 because Paschal’s predecessor in the Department of Finance put VAT on them.
Even 30 years on, mention of Fine Gael and footwear immediately brings to mind John Bruton’s stunning budget fiasco. The historical connection was blindingly obvious when this week’s iteration landed.
Interviewer Jennings duly made it, deftly sliding in a reminder to the senior Minister routinely rolled out when the Government needs a smooth-talking, smart operator to troubleshoot the tricky situations. That would be Paschal, extending a soft marshmallow fist in a velvet glove while kicking the legs out from under his interrogators with a winsome smile.
“I know you called it non-essential retail, but the point being made by the pediatrician yesterday on Drivetime is that it’s essential retail,” began Jennings. “I know that your party have a particular history when it comes to children’s shoes but can you understand why this is a particularly sensitive issue?”
A perfectly legitimate reference in the necessary cut and thrust of these interviews. Nothing there to discommode a militantly affable Minister for Finance out on routine media manoeuvres.
Big boy now, wearing big boy shoes, unlike in 1982 when he was only eleven and had skin in the game.
For some strange reason, Paschal took grave offence. He sounded very annoyed, which for him means furious.
“Well Gavin, I’m sorry, you’re referring to a budgetary decision that was made decades ago, before I was even in politics, about, you know, how we were handling a budget decision then. Your question has in it an implicit suggestion that my party and myself are not aware of the health needs that young children have which I just want to reject in its entirety,” he angrily clucked as alarmed listeners dropped their toast.
“Everything my party has been doing, I have been doing and the Government has been doing since this awful disease arrived into Ireland has been about how we try to save lives. And to make an indication [sic] that that we don’t appreciate...”
Unflappable Paschal was malfunctioning live on the radio. Gavin got a fright. We all did.
The Minister for Health did a U-turn at lunchtime and said the footless childer of Ireland can be measured for their shoes after all
“My apologies if that was how it... eh... I just simply made the point that it was regarded as essential by the pediatrician yesterday...”
It was all kicking off now. No more Mr Nice Phibsboro.
“I’m sorry Gavin, the way you phrased was more than just a phrasing of the question. You are making an inference regarding how my party, and myself, view this issue,” he huffed. “So let me repeat what I said to you a moment ago: I absolutely appreciate the challenges that young families and young children face. Everything our Government is doing and party is doing is motivated by keeping them safe.”
Then he explained at some length why shops selling children’s shoes cannot open for another while. He gave the same explanation, trenchantly holding the line, on other radio stations that morning. Unfortunately, the Minister for Health did a U-turn at lunchtime and said the footless childer of Ireland can be measured for their shoes after all. And the Taoiseach confirmed this shortly afterwards in the Dáil.
After Paschal’s RTÉ ordeal, Fine Gael tried to come to terms with the horrid treatment of their nice Minister and the scandalous dredging-up of a celebrated Fine Gael cock-up from the past.
Matters moved swiftly. Two complaints – from the Minister’s office and from the party – were made to Morning Ireland after the broadcast. An apology was sought and was given by a representative of the programme.
Minister of State Patrick O’Donovan, who has a track record when it comes to complaining about RTÉ, fulminated at the parliamentary party meeting about the “outrageous” nature of the question put to poor Paschal.
And Cork-based Senator Jerry Buttimer, who lost the party whip after attending the “Golfgate” dinner last year in Connemara but got it back in January (unlike his sense of proportion), declared the incident “appalling”.
Because there can be no greater offence done to your party, which has governed for 10 unbroken years, than to be reminded of a true but embarrassing event from the past. Fine Gael was hurt.
Which is why the National Preciousness and High Horse Emergency Team convened its lengthy crisis session on Wednesday afternoon.
“Notions trump credibility every time,” said one member after the two-day meeting. “The situation is grave unless we can get in adequate supplies of cotton wool to further insulate Fine Gael and the Minister for Finance from hard questions or healthy criticism. They are now very vulnerable and displaying classic underlying conditions of very thin skin and very thick neck.”
The experts say Paschal Donohoe, his advisors and the Fine Gael party suffered an allergic reaction to the interview, causing serious damage to the fine welcome they built up for themselves after a decade in power, demonstrating that increased susceptibility to the self-importance virus is age-related.
“Our modelling also shows that Fine Gael is now very vulnerable to notions,” explained a leading epidemiologist. “Unfortunately, this clouds judgement.”
This seems abundantly clear. Otherwise why throw a huge hissy fit, drawing mega attention to an old embarrassment over children’s shoes?
It seems, after all this time, Fine Gael hasn’t learned what happens when little people get too big for their boots.
Speaker gets serious feedback from Ó Fearghaíl
The Ceann Comhairle has been getting very cranky of late, pushed to the limit of his patience by TDs complaining they aren’t getting enough speaking time in a Dáil session where sittings have been curtailed due to Covid-19 restrictions.
Sinn Féin’s Thomas Gould was very annoyed on Thursday when he thought he would be able to make a contribution in place of a colleague when the rota went a bit pear-shaped. He explained the reason why to Seán Ó Fearghaíl.
“I don’t need to be advised on how the House operates,” he informed deputy Gould, also explaining why.
The first-time TD for Kerry came back at him. “What you are saying is actually not right.”
The Ceann Comhairle reacted like a Fine Gael TD who has just been asked about children’s shoes.
“Excuse me, you’re not a wet week in the place, deputy. You are not making sense, you are not speaking from your designated seat and you are out of order, sir.”
Never mind the bullocks – where’s the broadband?
As might be expected, Michael Healy-Rae was quickly out of the traps with his verdict following Monday’s publication of the Rural Development Policy 2021-2025 – Our Rural Future.
“I do not want a countryside that is full of briars, badgers and bullocks. I want it to be full of people, of families, and the only way we can do that is by providing proper broadband services and housing for those people,” he said on the evening news.
MHR’s charmingly alliterative statement did not go unnoticed across the border from Kerry. A correspondent in the Goleen area got in touch to draw our attention to this newspaper’s obituary of PJ Sheehan, the former Fine Gael TD for Cork South West, who died last August.
Paddy retired from the Dáil in 2011 and was known as a formidable political operator. He was popular on all sides of the House and his mischievous wit and wonderful turn of phrase enlivened many dull debates.
Our man in Cork was interested in this passage from the obit: “Sheehan proved himself an eloquent champion for rural Ireland and, particularly, small farmers and fishermen, famously remarking in one Dáil debate that if rural decline was allowed to continue, there would be nothing left in West Cork except for ‘bachelors, bullocks and briars’.”
Great minds think alike, obviously, except in MHR’s case badgers were substituted for bachelors.
