Hello, and welcome to Leinster House for the 2016 Shape-Throwing Championships.
You join us today as the preliminary stages come to a close. And what a wonderful two weeks it has been, with some marvellous performances from Ireland’s finest practitioners of this ancient sport.
Today the contestants and their supporters gather for a tilt at glory in the hallowed arena of the Dáil chamber, where political legends have been throwing shapes since the dawn of the nation.
Here final speeches will be made and ceremonial shapes will be thrown, but they are not expected to influence the outcome.
What is it about this captivating activity which so enthrals aficionados?
It can’t only be its proven sedative qualities, exposure to which is known to bring on hours of uninterrupted sleep.
The great thing about shape-throwing is that nothing much happens as a result – it just wastes time.
Students of the Leinster House game are also drawn to the intricate plinth routines, both solo and group.
There is the synchronised scuttle towards the cameras, with complex jostle on the steps and pretend belly laugh.
There is the difficult backbench donut around the leader manoeuvre.
Not forgetting that familiar solo swagger past a fixed television camera. Marks can be won or lost in the highly technical chest-puffing category, which is mainly a male preserve.
Marks are also available for self-importance, cute-hoorism, pomposity, sanctimony and verbosity.
The quality of leaking and spinning, on or off-plinth, often marks out future champions.
Endurance is essential for top-level competitors as they have to stand on their mandates indefinitely (marks can be carried forward to future contests).
Top seeds
The heavyweight category is the most prestigious. Top seeds
Enda Kenny
, Micheál Martin and
Gerry Adams
lead the way here,
Joan Burton
having slipped far down the rankings since the general election.
Adams is a shoo-in here. The Sinn Féin leader has been throwing shapes at a terrific rate, his plinth work has been second to none, and he scores highly for verbosity, visibility, extreme mandate-standing and sanctimony.
Kenny and Martin haven’t really figured yet, but are expected to up their game from today when all three will be nominated for the position of taoiseach.
The newly elected Noel Rock from Dublin North-West, as youngest member of the Fine Gael parliamentary party, will make a speech nominating outgoing Taoiseach Enda Kenny.
He will be followed by another new TD, Lisa Chambers from Mayo, who will put Martin's name forward for Fianna Fáil.
Sinn Féin’s deputy leader Mary Lou McDonald will nominate Adams to lead the country.
There may be some shapes thrown here. However, seasoned fans reckon that if there is to be any real action it might come after the Dáil votes to install a caretaker taoiseach.
This ends the preliminary rounds of the Shape Throwing Championships and signals an immediate adjournment of the Dáil.
The Taoiseach will then visit Michael D, who has proved himself over the years to be no slouch in the shape-throwing department.
Of course, he’s President now, so that might make a difference.
Politics of reform
But before the Dáil shuts up shop, the taoiseach – Enda or Micheál –will have to name a date for the House to reconvene.
Both would want a decent number of weeks to try and form a government.
Where does this leave the politics of reform which everyone wants? Adams has already called for the Dáil to sit at least once a week during the negotiating period.
And whoever loses out on the vote for taoiseach could join Gerry and a chorus of protesting Independents refusing to go along with the proposed return date. The 32nd Dáil might have its first big row.
With the shape-throwers entering the tournament phase, the time has come for Enda and Micheál to show themselves.
Up until this point the Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil leaders fielded party sweepers to throw their shapes for them, with Fianna Fáil well out in front.
Barry Cowen even created his own category: bruiserweight.
Although thus far the middle and lightweight categories have been the most entertaining.
It’s a very crowded field with a plethora of Independent deputies and groupings doing their level best to make the final cut.
While the bigger beasts are standing on their mandates, the smaller groups have been throwing massive shapes with their “core principles”.
Knockout stages
It has suited the leaders of the two main parties – conserving their energy for the knockout stages starting today – to entertain them.
Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil have been circling each other for weeks, but the serious stuff is about to begin.
Bruiser Barry gave the game away in a radio interview yesterday, throwing more shapes and insisting that Fianna Fáil has to “remain true” to its mandate and would not be lured into power by any Fine Gael sweet talk about cabinet posts and rotating taoisigh.
“We can’t be expected to break the greatest promise we gave, which is not to go into government with Fine Gael, on the first week or before the first sitting of the new Dáil,” declared Cowen.
Expect fresh news on the mandate front after today’s shenanigans are over, so.
The match commentators are overjoyed with this feast of top-class shape-throwing.
“It’s like two rhinos trying to mate!” chortled a fascinated observer yesterday. So, it’ll take a while for them to get it on. Weeks and weeks.
And will there be a winner at the end of the 2016 Shape-Throwing Championships? In the long run probably not – the way things are shaping up.
