Maia Dunphy is a writer and broadcaster and an ambassador for Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) awareness Month.
How agreeable are you?
I would say I suffer from that all-too-common condition of people-pleasing. I think it seems to affect more women than men, but I really do want people to like me, even if it’s at the expense of my own wellbeing. But having said that I think most of us can be at our least agreeable with the people we’re closest to, because we trust them. So, I’m sure that my family, and my very few close friends, would say that I have my moments. Basically, if I’ve ever been rude to you, it’s because I love you.
What’s your middle name and what do you think of it?
Conchita. It was my grandmother’s name. My granny is from southern Spain, and my siblings got my mum’s beautiful Spanish skin and I was always a bit disappointed that I got the more exotic name of Maia Conchita, but not the skin to match.
Where is your favourite place in Ireland?
I think when the sun shines, it’s such a beautiful country. I also think when the sun shines and you go to our coastline, I’m always very thankful that we don’t have good weather all the time, or we’d look like Benidorm new town, which would not be a good thing ... I live in the city centre, and Dublin city has had a very bad rap for the last while, but there’s nothing quite like sitting in a city centre park on a sunny day. Stephen’s Green or Merrion Square, with a can of Coke and a sandwich and a little blanket, is just absolute heaven.
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Describe yourself in three words.
Never actually asleep.
When did you last get angry?
I think the whole world should be angry about what’s happening in Gaza. I can’t believe that we’re seeing the images that we are, and that those who could stop it don’t. I keep thinking if even one Irish child died in the horrific ways that we’re seeing children killed in Gaza daily, it would be front-page news for weeks ... I think it’s a very low point in history. It makes me very, very angry. And I do believe we all need to keep speaking up. I was one of the people at the recent vigil with Mothers Against Genocide where some of my friends were arrested and strip-searched afterwards, and I’m still reeling from the unfairness of that ... But it won’t stop us speaking out. And look, maybe I’m naive but I really do still believe in people power, and the power of our voices. [Mothers Against Genocide protesters say they were strip-searched last month. Garda Commissioner Drew Harris said this week that none of those arrested was subjected to either strip-searching or cavity searching].
[ Mothers Against Genocide plan to lodge complaint over treatment by gardaíOpens in new window ]
What have you lost that you would like to have back?
Collagen and oestrogen. I seem to be losing those at a rate of knots. And if anyone finds them, I’d like them returned please. Joking aside, this is quite a depressing one; I used to be great fun. Now, I know as you get older and life knocks chunks out of you we lose our sense of fun a tiny bit, but I’ve always kind of believed in the “growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional” old adage. I think nobody likes a wacky 50-year-old – I don’t want to be David Brent, but your sense of fun has to grow with you. You don’t do the same things you did at 22 that you do at 42. But I have been fighting quite hard over the last while to try to get my sense of fun back.
What’s your strongest childhood memory?
My parents were very traditional in the old sense of the word traditional, where my mum was a stay-at-home mum, my dad worked very hard. They were both very respectful of each other’s roles and there was no resentment. My mum had given up a really good job as a journalist in London. My parents got married in London, they moved to Paris and we all moved back to Dublin as a family. My mum had no friends and no family here, and she made friends really quickly. My dad always really respected that she ran the house and that was her role, and she respected that he worked really hard outside the home, and it was just a really lovely happy home. I think a lot of women of my generation, we were sold the lie that you could have it all. I think we’ve realised that you can’t. I know working is not optional for many of us. But there are certainly things I have tried to replicate as best I can for my son, because I’m not in the same traditional family model that I was raised in, which can make me sad sometimes. But I do try to bridge the gaps.
Where do you come in your family’s birth order, and has this defined you?
For a very long time I thought that where you came in your family was about as significant as your star sign. But the older I get and the more I read about it, I think that where you come in your family, and the gender that you are in that space as well, matters a lot. I’m the middle child of three and a lot of the cliches about middle children – no self-esteem, being quite independent – that is very much me. I am the honorary person in charge in my family. I was always a very responsible kid. I was always very self-contained. I do think I probably am a typical middle child. I still think star signs are a load of nonsense.
What do you expect to happen when you die?
The older I get, the less I like this question. I wish that I had a strong faith. I wish that I believed we go somewhere better, but at the same time I think that this world can be pretty lovely too. And that this is basically the only chance we get. Because unfortunately, much as I sometimes fight against it, I do believe that when we die, it’s like taking the battery out and we stop existing, which does sound terrifying.
When were you happiest?
I’m not one of those people who is happy all the time. I don’t trust people who are happy all the time. Sometimes when life is hard, and I will admit that life has not been easy for the last five, six, seven, eight years even; I’ve gone through a difficult marriage separation. I’ve lost my mum. I’ve had to make choices in life, but sometimes happiness sneaks up on you, and I love that. When for that brief moment, it could be something very, very ordinary, you just feel a sense of peace ... and I think it’s really important to recognise those moments. For me, I get them regularly with my son.
Which actor would play you in a biopic about your life?
Not sure that’d be a biopic worth seeing. Steve Buscemi because why not? He’s not very tall, bit of a wiry face. Small features. Stick a wig on him and you wouldn’t know the difference. Would you?
What’s your biggest career/personal regret?
I learned a long time ago that regret is futile. I think if there’s things you need to make amends for, you can fix and do them, but carrying regret with you is completely futile. There are things I could have done differently, especially careerwise. I made a big decision years ago when my marriage had ended, and it was just me and my son here, and I made a decision to put him first. Working in freelance media, that meant saying no to an awful lot of things. I didn’t really tell people, I just said that I was busy. I lost a lot of opportunities. There’s no denying that I stymied my own career, quite significantly. I always thought ‘oh I’ll be able to get it back’. And I think that probably isn’t true. There are disappointments there, but they’re not really regrets.
Have you any psychological quirks?
I find it very difficult to let things go, which some people conflate with holding a grudge, and they are not the same thing. Don’t get me wrong. I can hold a grudge with the best of them. But I feel things very deeply and so if somebody hurts me, I find it very hard to forget. It doesn’t mean I don’t forgive it and move on, but I find it very, very hard to forget ... It also applies in a work capacity. And working in TV and media for the last 25 years now, there’s a bit of a hierarchy. And there would be people who would be very well known who were incredibly rude to me, early in my career when I didn’t really matter to them, when I wasn’t somebody important. And who I have met subsequently, when they deem me to be somebody who’s slightly more worthy of them and they’ll say things like ‘it’s nice to meet you’. And I think ‘oh I met you before and I don’t forget how awful you were’.
In conversation with Jen Hogan
