A dear friend is home from America and has called all the old faithfuls together on Friday evening for a pint and a catch-up. It promises to be an evening of interviewing her about how much she’s paying on the black market for her Brennans bread and Curly Wurlys, and what films she watched on the flight from JFK to Dublin. However, such is the lure of Patrick Kielty’s first Late Late Toy Show that I’m genuinely considering skipping out of the drinks in time for the half-nine kick-off.
Amid the usual zany photoshoots and “How nervous are you? Is the postman asking you for tickets?” newspaper interviews, he’s been steadfast about his plans to enjoy the evening and make it about the kids, not himself. In a way, the long Toy Show tradition will stand to him. It’s got such a solid blueprint that it will be difficult for a pro like Kielty to make a mess of it. We’ll be expecting a few new flourishes of course, but the old favourites will seal the deal, such as…
An eight-year-old from Longford who just loves slurry
We’ve come to expect precocious mini culchies (I’m a culchie so I’m allowed to call them that) on the Toy Show and given Patrick Kielty is from a village in Co Down he might feel a little more at home with them than Booterstown’s Ryan Tubridy or Pat Kenny, who grew up adjacent to the Phoenix Park. We’ve had tractor fanatics and lamb whisperers, so it just won’t be the same unless we have a silage sommelier or a stone picking demonstration. There is a world beyond Donnybrook after all.
A previously chatty child who absolutely refuses to speak
The child will have spent the day driving Toy Show staff to distraction with the talking and the questions, but as soon as the live cameras are on they’ll clam up and stare into the middle distance like a proverbial headlight-illuminated rabbit. Kielty will have been prepped for this eventuality but what we’d really love to hear is a parent who hasn’t slept in six years hissing lines at the child from just off camera. “Síofra, talk about the Lego, there’s a good girl. You haven’t stopped talking since you were 14 months old and Mammy told the relatives in Chicago you were going to be on the telly so show Uncle Patrick the Lego for the love of God.”
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A full-blown water fight
Patrick Kielty has named Gay Byrne firing water pistols into the audience as one of his fondest memories, so why not bring it back? In 1991 Uncle Gaybo was joined by Zig, Zag and Dustin the Turkey who ended a segment about dolls by turning a Super Soaker on their host. He in turn turned it on the studio audience to exact revenge on them for laughing. Let’s get Paddy the biggest water gun on the market and give him free rein. Bonus nostalgia points if Dustin, Zig and Zag show up and slag him unmercifully for commuting from London and having the temerity to marry the divine Cat Deeley.
An unexpectedly famous celebrity
Listen, we all remember where we were when Jerry Seinfeld made his incongruous appearance on the Toy Show and Pat Kenny kept calling him “Jerry SeinFIELD”. What about when five-year-old Toby Kane was stunned into hilarious silence after being surprised by Girls Aloud or back in 2014 when Aimee Keogh was gobsmacked by Ed Sheeran running on to the set? Who are we setting our sights on for this evening? Beyoncé has a film coming out. She could do Single Ladies with some baton twirlers from Two Mile House. There’s a new Spider-Man film on the way too. I saw enough five-year-old Spidermen this Halloween to fill 10 Toy Show studios. Surely movie star Tom Holland would love to meet them all. If all else fails, let’s get Evelyn Cusack out of retirement to shock a weather fan from Wexford.
All tongues removed from cheeks, here’s hoping for a magical Toy Show for all involved. It’s very easy to lean into cynicism, especially given the year that was in it for RTÉ. The Toy Show might remind us of the horrors endured by the children of Gaza, and the reality that not every child in our own country has a cosy couch to watch from or a warm bed to go to afterwards. As Patrick Kielty says, it’s all about the children. The small ones, and the big ones too.