To celebrate the release of the new Waterford Whispers News annual, temporary acting deputy editor and chairman of the Irish Landlord League Bill Badbody casts his eye over the year that was.
It’s a real treat to be finally appearing in the pages of The Irish Times for reasons other than a failure to adhere to Residential Tenancies Board (RTB) regulations. However, due to my workload, I’ve taken a decision inspired by the Department of Housing, and I too am farming out my problems to the charity sector – which in this case takes the form of my unpaid intern, Fiachra.
Like an analog ChatGPT, Fiachra can do my work, albeit leagues of articulation below the wreckage of the Oceanview sub. Sort of the same way Conor McGregor’s social media does a cover version of xenophobic rants that the uncle you no longer invite to Christmas dinner does. Take it away Fiachra:
If I told you it was almost a full year since the Government voted to exclude thousands of survivors of Mother and Baby Homes from a redress scheme, you’d say time flies. Other, less reasonable people would say it’s a disgrace.
Pleasing Irish people in 2023 was like trying to find a reasonably priced Dublin hotel room for a Taylor Swift concert – impossible.
When free money started bursting forth from Bank of Ireland ATMs, the Abnormal People (you plebs) got to experience the wild excitement developers feel when the Government announces yet another new tax break.
Ireland’s most marginalised and oppressed people, Accidental Landlords, engaged in the clearest display of self-pity outside of a Sean Quinn-penned book.
April saw the nation get to stage the largest ever am-dram performance of Darby O’Gill and the Little People when US president Joe Biden made a State visit. Biden will of course be most defined this year by his plámásing of a deluded regional superpower whose figureheads believe they have a divine right to something sacred; his embracing of “Mayo4Sam” was rightly and roundly criticised, and his unequivocal support for Binyamin Netanyahu wasn’t a good look either.
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Biden’s visit wasn’t the only occasion the Government rolled out the red carpet; the lifting of the eviction ban allowed landlords to literally roll out their tenants along with their old carpets. Scenes reminiscent of the fall of the Berlin Wall or the opening of the Krispy Kreme drive-through in Blanchardstown greeted the lifting of the ban with spontaneous displays of joy seen everywhere.
Such is the childish delirium that has so often greeted Ireland’s housing crisis in recent years, there was some welcome sanity introduced to proceedings when artist Spicebag’s mural depicting an eviction was rightly likened to the mass murder of defenceless puppies.
While plenty celebrated Paul Lynch’s Booker win for Prophet Song, let’s not forget that in music, Profit Song by Darragh O’Brien finished top of every investment fund’s Spotify Unwrapped.
I think it’s fair to say October 2023 will be etched in the minds of everyone as the month in which injustice reared its ugly head. Ireland should never have lost to New Zealand in the rugger.
A long and exhausting year left many of us drained; so drained, in fact, one could have been desperate enough to recharge their battery by lodging a phone charger cable up their nostril. Note: do not take recharging advice from a former GAA legend.
It wasn’t just the rugby team’s Most Heroic Quarter Final Failure Ever™ that impressed – everywhere you looked, Irish sporting heroes were making history. Stephen Kenny gave everyone coasting in their jobs and failing performance reviews inspiration, while the Irish women’s team inspired the internet’s egg avatars to post highly original observations about women, the offside rule and the kitchen.
The only display more impressive than Limerick’s four-in-a-row was the RTÉ board’s Oireachtas committee performances. For RTÉ, there was Renault way back. (I have placed my trust in the intelligence of Irish Times readers to correctly pronounce Renault, thus unlocking a witty, witty pun. Don’t let me down). The proverbial cat was out of the bag, the flip had flopped, and there was no hiding unless you could get signed off by your GP.
Ryan Tubridy had the last laugh when he secured a UK radio slot on a channel that has the ears of a staggering 3 per cent of adult British population.
Trying to follow Tubridy’s pay terms was a smidgeon less difficult than navigating a maze made entirely out of Mattie McGrath’s accent.
This year proved Ireland remains about as good at meeting its climate targets as Dave from Portmarnock is at identifying meteors on a beach while live on Virgin Media News. Due to flooding, Cork was forced to accelerate its multibillion-euro rebranding effort to become Venice-On-Lee.
A 20-year survey found 56 per cent of Ireland’s native plant species are in decline, but conservation efforts to preserve endangered TDs have been made possible with the addition of 14 extra seats in the Dáil come the next general election. In a positive development, Ireland’s foot-in-mouth laureate, Eamon Ryan, remains the main source for renewable eyerolls.
The Citizens’ Assembly on Drugs failed to recommend legalising drugs but, judging by the number still supporting Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael in polls, the supply of hallucinogens will not be affected.
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Wild Youth failed at the Eurovision and wild youths looted Foot Locker. Was stealing and rioting a worse crime than cramming yourself into a glittery onesie and showing off to the world? It’s hard to judge.
The death of Henry Kissinger proved that the key to a long and fruitful life is to be a war criminal, so those hoping this year could be the year when Vladimir Putin got high on his own plutonium tea supply were perhaps being unrealistic.
You could be forgiven, in such a tumultuous year, for forgetting to include the plight of Ukraine in a rundown of 2023, but there’s one group who would never let that happen, and that’s Worried Locals. Everywhere people seeking refuge went, Worried Locals were there; to burn out tents, damage vacant hotels, document their own intimidation on social media and form a blockade outside lodgings, libraries and beyond. Some locals were so worried, in fact, that they travelled hundreds of miles from their own locality to be worried elsewhere on behalf of actual residents.
It’s unfair to describe politicians as ineffective at addressing some of the root causes of growing discontent among the public when you can instead just say they have been about as useful as a tennis racquet when it comes to mopping up the after-effects of turbo-charged diarrhoea.
That sense of Ireland being at one with itself, the social cohesion and heartwarming unity we all felt when refusing to pay the TV licence – gone in an instant.
Going forward, the fringe elements spreading disinformation online and sowing discord present a real problem. Can the Irish media be as successful as their American counterparts in fuelling and profiting from it?
Still, it wasn’t all parsimonious poison, as Irish society reached a consensus on never wanting to hear about Jada Pinkett Smith’s marriage ever again.
We can normally rely on our neighbours across the water to provide amusing distraction with their political shenanigans, thereby making ourselves feel better. Disappointingly, it was a quiet year, with a pig’s head enthusiast making a comeback and a horse’s ass in the Outback.
There was, of course, obscene fawning, an ostentatious coronation of someone the public thinks is God’s representative on Earth. But many Sinn Féin supporters felt it important to crown Mary Lou McDonald Ireland’s taoiseach in 2023.
It was a year of anniversaries; while some marked the 25th anniversary of the Belfast Agreement, the DUP marked 12 seconds since they last played the victim.
Speaking of momentous achievements, the Debt Star, aka the Children’s Hospital, is, like the resolve of any parent fighting the health system for essential support and care for their sick child in 2023, almost finished.
With record waiting lists in the health service, recruitment crises and other basic functions of the Irish State barely operating, there was egg on the faces of those people who have spent over a decade claiming the austerity and cuts that followed the post-2008 crash would have any lasting impact.
A tough year for Irish music has seen sales of cotton wool and bubble wrap fly off the shelves as people seek to protect the remaining greats such as Jedward.
What a truly momentous year. Can 2024 top it? With Donald Trump likely contesting a US election, there’s every chance it can. Trump will first have to avoid prison, though, which should be easy enough if he can get his hands on the phone number of Gerard “The Monk” Hutch’s legal team.
Waterford Whispers News 2023 by Colm Williamson is published by Gill Books
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