Ever had to raise a tricky issue? Maybe a friend borrowed something and didn’t give it back, a pay cheque wasn’t as much as expected, or the coach never gives you a game? “What can make raising something feel awkward is [that] it can go against the people-pleasing part of us,” says Linda Breathnach, member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and founder of therapyandtraining.ie.
“We can assume that just because we don’t agree with what someone has done, or we express a different view, that it is not going to please people,” says Breathnach.
Fear of confrontation, much?
Some people would rather stew than raise an issue. “We might have a fear of confrontation. If we go deeper, that can be about how disagreements were dealt with as we grew up. We might fear rejection, or we might not want to hurt somebody else. We avoid the awkward conversation,” says Breathnach.
Opportunity cost
Having the awkward conversation, however, can actually help a relationship. “Sometimes people can be really grateful for us facing up to or naming something that maybe they weren’t aware of,” says Breathnach.
Shirking an awkward conversation comes at a cost. “The irony is that if something goes unaddressed or unresolved, it can have the opposite effect. People get their feelings hurt, misunderstandings can happen, there can be confusion or a sense of rejection all because we didn’t have the conversation.”
Where do I start?
Before raising the tricky topic, reflect on your intentions. “Is our intention care, love, safety, risk – or money, in fairness, valuing ourselves, our time and our boundaries – keep your intention at the core of it,” says Breathnach.
Express your wish, your want or your need. Highlight the issue with respect and clarity without waffling
— Linda Breathnach, member, Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
Then plough a middle ground, avoiding the poles of passiveness and aggressiveness, she says. “Take too much responsibility or apologise too much, blaming yourself, and the other person might not know what you are talking about because they won’t hear it.”
Be too aggressive and the message can get lost. “In both cases, our needs and values and often the values and needs of the other person get lost.”
Instead, be assertive, respecting your needs and the needs of the other person. “Express your wish, your want or your need. Highlight the issue with respect and clarity without waffling. Rehearse one or two lines that are clear, respectful and warm, but boundaried. That is ideal,” she says.
Rather than describing their behaviour, talk about you, says Breathnach. “For example, ‘When this happened, I felt…’”
What if they react badly?
Have the conversation respectfully, with warmth and honesty. “They are unlikely to react badly if they don’t feel blamed, criticised or attacked,” says Breathnach. “Use words like, ‘This is a difficult conversation. I just really felt it was important and it’s out of respect for you that I am raising this…’”
Of course they might still react badly. “Often when somebody does react that way, they still hear it. They reflect later, or you will notice they have taken it on board in their behaviour,” she says.
Know that avoiding the conversation altogether, however, can make things worse.
