Dear Roe,
My partner (who I don't think even considers me as a partner any more; it's confusing) tells me that I'm disgusting and fat. Not constantly, but now and again, if he is angry at me he will make comments about my appearance.
After having our child, he started seeing someone much younger than me behind my back. That only made my view of myself worse. I’m suffering from depression, and along with having a baby I have put on weight. I’ve had a hard time getting motivated to lose it, but I really want to. I used to be attractive and now I can’t stand to look in the mirror.
Hearing my partner say I’m fat and disgusting only makes it worse. I don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. Please help.
Receiving letters from people seeking advice is quite an emotional experience. There’s a vulnerability expressed in the act of reaching out to someone for advice; a vulnerability I never take for granted. There’s a desire to educate, but also to protect; much of the time, replying to letters, I imagine what I’d tell my best friend.
Sometimes there’s information or academic ideas I think would be useful in adding context or a new way of perceiving a situation; sometimes there are step-by-step instructions to help navigate a situation; sometimes there are some hard truths I think are important. But the constant is emotion. Reading letters, I feel excited for the letter writers, or hurt for them, or frustrated, or hopeful, or protective.
No one, no matter how angry they are, has the right to call anyone's appearance disgusting or to shame their body. This is a rule that applies across the board, for everyone.
Reading your letter, I am, quite simply, furious. I am aghast. I am experiencing Furie-levels of vengeful rage.
The only weight that you need to lose from your life is that giant, emotionally abusive man-sized anchor currently weighing you down. You need to know how truly repugnant his behaviour is. You need to know how enraged I am just reading your letter. You need to know that there is no one in the world that deserves to be treated the way you are being treated.
You need to become your own best friend. You need to imagine what you would tell any wonderful woman in your life if you found out that their partner was calling them fat and disgusting. You know you would be furious for them. You know you would never think that they should believe him. You know you would never tell them that their body was the problem.
You know that if your best friend told you that after having a baby her partner cheated on her, called her names, neglected her, and bullied her while she was in the throes of depression, you would not for a second believe that she was the one who should have a hard time looking in the mirror.
No one, no matter how angry they are, has the right to call anyone’s appearance disgusting or to shame their body. This is a rule that applies across the board, for everyone. (Democrats who body-shame Donald Trump, this even includes you. It’s not like there aren’t legitimate things there to criticise.) The fact that your partner started doing this after you had his baby, as you are suffering from depression, is just an extra appalling layer of cruelty. You grew a human being inside you. That anyone would make you feel like your body isn’t worthy of awe right now, like your emotional and mental health don’t deserve support as you try raise a tiny person, is infuriating.
You are not powerless. You say you are confused about whether he considers you a partner, as if you have to wait for him to decide whether you are worthy enough to be his
He is wrong. And right now, you’re wrong about yourself, too. You believe that you and your body are the problem. You are not the problem. But by cheating on you, by insulting you, by bullying you, by neglecting you, he has turned your world into one giant maze of funhouse mirrors, where all you can see is a distorted, grotesque and ultimately false view of yourself – and no way out.
His twisted funhouse mirror maze is lying to you. His horrific comments are no reflection of your attractiveness, your worth, your entitlement to – at the very least – basic respect, if not gratitude, support, affection, love. Like all forms of bullying and emotional abuse, all his comments (and his cheating) are a reflection of are his own cowardice, his own insecurity, his own cruelty, his own need to feel in control and powerful – by making you feel powerless.
You are not powerless. You say you are confused about whether he considers you a partner, as if you have to wait for him to decide whether you are worthy enough to be his. But you have the power to decide that he is not worthy of you. And he isn’t. I’m not sure if you are married to this man, if he is legally your husband – but he is no “partner”. A partnership relies on equality, on respect. He doesn’t respect you, treat you well, stay faithful to you, support you through either your depression or the complicated aftermath of pregnancy.
You say you feel stuck, and I really appreciate the bravery it took to reach out to me for advice. And my advice is this: please stop reaching towards this man for a partnership he is not offering. Please start reaching out to people who can support you instead, people who – unlike this man – are willing and able to be there for you. Reach out to friends and family, tell them what has been happening, and find out if you can stay with them if you need to.
Reach out to a therapist so that you can begin to not only find support for your depression, but so you can begin to undo the damage he has done to your self-esteem, your self-image, your emotional health. If you need to, reach out to a lawyer and talk about custody, your rights, your protections.
And reach towards yourself – with compassion, with generosity, with tenderness, with protective instincts. Start rebuilding your trust in your own instincts, your relationship with your body, your belief in your own self-worth. Start rebuilding your self-image so soon you can find your reflection clearly: you are a woman who deserves so much more.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.
