There has been no shortage of snark surrounding “Megxit”, but some of Meghan Markle’s friends have well and truly outdone themselves in that regard. “She flees when things get heavy,” said one, in a widely reported anonymous comment. “It’s always been her way or the highway.”
Quitting the royal family has evidently not been the first instance in which the actress has, as one source indelicately put it, cut and run. Friends have been ghosted, and she reportedly left her first marriage when she realised it wasn’t working. Markle has been accused of transgressions galore of late, but this penchant for quitting things is seen as a particularly bad blot on her character.
Culturally, quitting has long been synonymous with weakness and selfishness; a moral failing. Hanging in there and never giving up is a sign of character. Finishing what you’ve started, whatever the consequences, has long been a part of our unspoken social contract. Bolting is for losers.
If flaking was an Olympic sport, I'd be up there with Usain Bolt. I've quit not one but two PhDs. I quit friendships and relationships that don't serve me, sometimes with nary a backward glance
Much has been made of the “quitting economy” (where employees are treated as short-term assets and are always ready to quit), and how unhealthy a scenario it is for everyone involved. Lots of bad blood. Lots of wasted money training people. Lots of economic uncertainty.
Personally, I’m as big a fan of quitting, bolting and cutting loose, as Markle’s friends purport her to be. If flaking was an Olympic sport, I’d be up there with Usain Bolt.
I’ve quit not one but two PhDs. I’ve dropped out of two other college courses (I may well be the only person who has dropped out of Trinity College twice).
I quit friendships and relationships that don’t serve me, sometimes with nary a backward glance.
At four I quit gymnastics, despite apparently showing an aptitude, because the teacher shouted at me. Ballet, harp, Irish dancing, guitar – once the going got tough, I got going.
Later in my teens I accepted a live-in job in a pub in London, and quit before I even did my first shift. Something about the sleazy boss, the broken TV and the bloodstains on the bedroom mattress prompted me to pick up my rucksack and ghost the entire situation.
If I’m not feeling it, I’m not a fan of digging the heels in, sticking around and seeing if things improve against the odds. Who was it said that real winners know when to quit or when to grit?
I'm in good company too: Oprah Winfrey, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are all, famously, college dropouts.
In Trinity College Dublin, Higher Education Authority statistics show that the non-completion rate in 2019 was around 15 per cent.
Do I regret any of it? Perhaps. I might have been an Olympic gymnast by now. It would be nice to be able to play something other than Greensleeves on the guitar. Yet in almost every instance I can say I tried. I ventured. It didn’t work. The end.
Yet there’s something toxic and misleading about the long-standing cultural conceit that quitters never win and winners never quit. It can keep people in a situation or life that they don’t enjoy or even want.
As it happens, some experts note that far from being a marker of moral weakness or watery character, quitting is a sign of high self-esteem in a person.
Very few people decide easily to quit anything. Often they give it a lot of thought. But there's a positive in there – people will have very strong opinions about themselves, and it can be a sign of higher self-esteem
"Some people have very strong opinions about things, and won't stick around in a job in which they don't feel valued," says Owen Connolly, psychologist with the Connolly Counselling Centre (counsellor.ie).
“Often it’s a self-protective mechanism. But it’s definitely worth noting that very few people decide easily to quit anything. Often they give it a lot of thought. But there’s a positive in there – people will have very strong opinions about themselves, and it can be a sign of higher self-esteem.”
Connolly notes a personal instance in which he quit. “I was living in Canada, and we were bringing our newborn son home from the hospital. I’d made arrangements to take time off, and I got a call from my boss at 6am saying I was needed in the office.
“When I told him I’d made this commitment to bring our son home, and that other people could take care of the scenario, the boss said, ‘your choice is simply to show up now or don’t bother coming back’. I never regret making that decision to quit to take my son home. You have to have a clear sense of your own position, and the way you think about yourself.”
In his professional practice Connolly notes that many of his clients feel stuck, often because they have a block about the prospect of quitting something.
“Why do we go to see a psychologist? Many haven’t the courage to make moves and do things they want to. In fact, if we all decided to not put up with any nonsense, we’d all be better off as a community and a workforce – at least you’ll then have people in jobs that want to be there.”
The idea of quitting as a negative thing is a cultural hangover from another era where professional stability was widely regarded at a premium.
“We’re not, as a society, into the job for life, and that’s not likely to happen again,” says Connolly. “People have choices, and according to the statistics, we’re likely to have four, five or six different jobs in our lifetime. ‘Quitting’ as a derogatory term is a thing in the past. There are no longer quitters. There are people who make decisions and move forward.”
Some people are very happy with two days' worth of money and no clue what they'll do for the next three years. Others panic if they don't have 20 years' worth of money, and want to know what they're doing for the rest of their lives
Author and "success coach" Judymay Murphy (judymay.tv) acknowledges that people often regard those who quit as unreliable, unpredictable or impulsive.
“The thing is that people only see the ‘outer’ results of what you’re doing with your life – they don’t have access to your inner desires,” she says. “They’ve not been privy to the conversations you’ve had with yourself about starting your own business or travelling the world. For that person the decision to quit could be months or years in the making, but for everyone else it looks like massive, rapid change.
“I think we have to realise that we have different levels of comfort when it comes to risk. Some people are very happy with two days’ worth of money and no clue what they’ll do for the next three years. Others panic if they don’t have 20 years’ worth of money, and want to know what they’re doing for the rest of their lives.”
She says very often a big part of why we do a lot of different things is to experience and grow out of them.
“Say you take up tap dancing because you want to get a sense of what it’s like to dance, then you realise you have no rhythm. The important thing is that you tried; the experience served its purpose, and it’s time to move on.
“If you happen to think of yourself as having an identity as a quitter it’s best to remember that you’re not quitting on taking chances or growing and on trying our different arenas in life. Put it this way, you’ll never quit learning or knowing how to stand up for what’s right for yourself.”
