An opulent country house on 10 acres – built in what may come to be called the Bertiean era – has it all. It’s for sale for €3.5m
AT FIRST GLANCE, The Orchard looks like a classic period house built when Ireland was ruled by the "Gorgeous Georges". (For younger readers, they were monarchs not an act in The X Factor).
But in fact the house is only a decade old and was built during the reign of the Dear Leader, Taoiseach Ahern. This is a house which future social historians may well describe as “Bertiean” – just as we now refer to Georgian or Victorian architecture.
The house was built in 2001 and is a testament to the glad, confident, boomy morning of the new millennium. And no, you shouldn’t have gone to Specsavers – the picture of the translucent sapphire outdoor heated swimming pool really was taken in a corner of a Kildare field that is forever Tuscany.
It’s close to the spot where, 100 years ago, Edwardian gentleman archaeologists discovered and excavated the cremated remains of a Stone-Age Kildare bucko. Megalithic Paddy must be spinning in his little passage grave. This wasn’t the future envisioned in the swirling runes he’d carved into the granite stones.
The house, on 10 acres in the townland of Forenaghts, is close to Naas and the village of Johnstown. Not quite San Gimignano, admittedly, but handily commutable – via the N7 – to the city. The owner, a Dublin businessman, is selling up because his family’s passion for show-jumping has outgrown the paddock space.
The Orchard is for sale through Goffs Country – the property arm of the bloodstock auctioneers – where the agent, Andrew Nolan, is quoting €3.5 million.
Is that expensive? Well, is Greece going to default? Is the price of gold about to plummet? Is the stock market going to truly melt down?
Frankly, who knows the value of any asset in a topsy-turvy world where the word “trillion” now trips off a newsreader’s tongue without causing a lip to curl in astonished disbelief?
Just like The Devil Wears Prada, the house has a supporting cast of credits. Designed to a Regency villa style by architect David Pym, with interior decoration by Paschal O'Reilly of Design by Renaissance, the single-storey, four-bedroom house has 557sq m (6,000sq ft) of immaculately presented accommodation. If that's not enough, there's planning permission for a 139sq m (1,500sq ft) extension.
The interiors are pure, undiluted Celtic Tiger o’ligarch – from marble floors to topiary-sized chandeliers by Louise Kennedy. Brokeback quarries in Carrara must have been hewn hollow to provide the Travertine tiling – enough to redo the Colonnade in St Peter’s Square – which covers the entire floor-space.
Heating, naturalmente, is underfloor and the house is fitted with a fully-integrated Bang Olufsen music system throughout.
A kitchen, large enough to accommodate a Sicilian clan having a when’s-a-your-Dolmio-day lunch party, is equipped with every element of “you’re worth it” extravagance from double Belfast sink to four-oven Aga, and, those must-haves of the Kildare county set, a wine cooler and American fridge. The uncluttered granite worktops recall the boom days when nobody cooked. Look on it, Catherine Fulvio, and weep.
A diningroom, filled with daylight from south-facing windows, is ideal for power breakfasts or JoMalone-candle-lit dinners. French windows open onto a terrace overlooking an ornamental lake and a waterfall fed by a natural spring.
Bedrooms are in wings off either end of a central phalanx of interconnecting reception rooms. An octagonal master suite could have been created by Dolce Gabbana for an especially risqué perfume ad.
The Orchard was once part of the 18th century Furness Estate – now subdivided – and retains sections of impressive perimeter stone walls which add to its character and sense of privacy. A thoroughly modern security system, with enough cameras to run an outside broadcast by RAI Uno, and an electric-gated entrance, will enhance its appeal to the publicity-shy.
The grounds include a private wood with a Harry Pottersecret walk which tunnels through ancient, gnarled laurel trees whose berries, as plump and inky-black as Leccino olives, squelch underfoot. Swans glide upon a second ornamental lake – which is also suitable for gentle gondoliering.
A stone archway leads from the swimming pool area to a pristine stable yard and paddocks – just about large enough for a financier-type who wants to mess around with a few horses at the weekend but doesn’t want the headache and expense of a large estate.
This house would perfectly suit a wealthy Irish expatriate – whether in Canary Wharf or Harley Street, Lower Manhattan or Shanghai’s Bund – seeking a base in the old country.
Dublin airport is 25 minutes away.
